Gossip Girl: Wait, WTF?

Um, looks like last week's episode was an aberration, because Gossip Girl has returned to its boring, fucking bad ways. Things were not clicking for me at all tonight, from Vanessa completely missing the chance to act like an interesting person to Chuck and Blair making me want to die inside to Georgina totally passing up the opportunity to use the line "I won't be ignored, Dan." (Seriously, why the fuck aren't we getting the Fatal Attraction episode next week? Even The O.C. did one.) I'm digressing. Let's dive into what didn't work this week:

Creepy Scott and The Poorly Resolved Plot. So Creepy Scott was finally, finally found out this week, and by Vanessa nonetheless. (There is a brain under that mop of fake dreads after all!) Creepy Scott asked her to keep his secret until he could talk to his adopted parents, but Vanessa, being the I'm-all-up-in-everybody's-business-all-the-time-because-I-have-no-life-of-my-own beeotch she is, immediately, like IMMEDIATELY runs to tell Dan, but can't tell him because Georgina shows up. Meanwhile, Creepy Scott, who had been creepily spending time with Rufus without telling him anything, decides to go to the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK with Vanessa where he will have the opportunity to tell Rufus the truth. Just when you think the truth is about to come out, Scott's adopted mom shows up and tells him how much she loves him. This leads Scott to (1) tell Rufus that he is not the lovechild, but the lovechild's brother and (2) immediately move back to Boston. Wait, what the fuck? We had to watch this douche for three weeks only to have NOTHING HAPPEN. Bitch, please. Go fuck yourself, show. While leaving, Scott asks Vanessa to keep the secret. Yeah, douchebag, because she'll be as good at that as she is at not drinking coffee. Which is not good at all. Because Vanessa loves two things: coffee and everybody else's business. Fuck.

Relationships I'm Caring Less and Less About Every Week. Ok, Blair and Chuck are really getting on my nerves. For real, y'all. Their chemistry has seemed to completely dry up. Additionally, Chuck's new "I'm in a relationship" personality just makes him seem creepy. Like a Willy-Wonka-wannabe-who-has-escaped-from-the-asylum creepy. (Don't tell me that with all the purple and bow ties the idea has never crossed your mind. I know it has. STOP LYING.) We need to get these people some heat, stat. To be fair, they can still scheme with the best of them, and their plan to split up Carter and Serena was well thought out and well executed. (Fake room service charges and a fake one night stand? Well played.) I bet the scheming got them both really hot and bothered. Why couldn't they have shown us some of that? Speaking of Carter and Serena, here's what I think: they fucking suck. Why Serena continually goes after inaccessible or damaged men is beyond me. Oh wait, it's not, because in case you've been living under a rock for the last three episodes, Serena's daddy didn't love her. So she needs attention and excitement. Yeah, I really don't care. Ughh. I'm not even going to talk about the lack of boobs this week, I'm too depressed. (Side note: I was looking at the traffic sources for this blog, and one hit came from a gentleman who was searching Google for "Serena's boobs." Yeah, I feel justified, whatever.)

Please Don't Tell Me That's The Last We Saw of Georgina. Please? So I thought things were getting good when Blair walked in on Dan and Georgina. I thought things were getting better when Serena gave Dan her blessing to be with Georgina. And I thought things were getting ridiculously better when Dan tried to have the "Let's keep things casual talk." Yeah, it seemed like Georgina had him duped and was just keeping him warm until it was time to use him as her sacrifice to the god who comes. Until the show went and fucked it all up. Apparently Georgina was behind Blair and Chuck's fight over the photograph they were bidding on at the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK, so in retaliation Serena told Dan about it, and Dan told Georgie they should cool things off. And what does Georgina do? FUCKING PACK HER BAG AND GO TO BOSTON. WHAT THE FUCK? THE DESKTOP OF HER COMPUTER WAS A PICTURE OF HER AND DAN. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO GOT FATAL ATTRACTION CRAZY ON HIM. NOT FUCKING GO OFF TO BOSTON WITH THE CREEPER. Fuck. No. I'm pretty sure Georgina's not even in next week's episode. Fuck that.

One Bright Spot. Apparently Carter did something to really fuck over Bre Buckley (you know Nate's new girlfriend. Oh you don't remember who Nate is? Because he's been onscreen for like 5 minutes total? Oh that's too bad.) Now this is the kind of intrigue I've been waiting to see play out.

As is my custom, here are your quotes. Don't be mad at me if they're not as good as last week's. Blame the show:

"I'm wearing a glove and I still want to wash my hands."--Blair, realizing that sock she pulled off the door was the signal that Dan and Georgina were going at it. Yeah.

"Dont think you can run me out of my room with a half naked Dan Humphrey." "Stay, watch, maybe you'll learn something."--Blair and Georgina. I already miss Georgina.

"If you want do Georgina, then more power to you. Just make sure there isn't an ice pick under the bed."--Serena to Dan. Ah, Basic Instinct references.

"I have an MBA from Tuck, I'm not the coat check girl."--Brunette girl. She's lucky, in this economy she might be.

"If you have any feelings for me, you won't say anything yet."--Creepy Scott to Vanessa. Dude, the only thing she has feelings for is being a busybody.

"Pity, I already have my bidding paddle." "Well, I'm sure we can find some other use for it."--Blair and Chuck. Eww and AWESOME all at the same time.

"She stole my shoes."--Chuck about Blair. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds.

"I want you to have this." "Why?" "Because I love you, you enormously stubborn pain in the ass."--Blair and Chuck about the picture. Vomiting now.

"Georgie and I go way back. The girl has an MBA in deviant behavior." --Brunette Girl

"How can you be so sure?" "Because you beleive in me."--Blair and Chuck. Oh wait, NOW I'm vomiting.

I didn't care for tonight's episode. Did you?

Now, there's something I need to tell all of you before I let you go, because you're going to need the full week to prepare yourselves. Tyra Banks will be guest starring on next week's episode. Yes, that's right. You heard me. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US. SHE IS COMING. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. SAVE YOURSELVES.

Gossip Girl Season Premiere: How Serena's Boobs Spent Their Summer

Finally we've gotten the answer to the question we've all been wondering about all summer: Where did Serena's boobs go when they got into the limo with Carter Baizen at the end of last season? Well according the photos, the boobs have been everywhere. They've been to Europe, they've been to Asia, they've been to see Cristiano Ronaldo, and now they're back home in NY, where they're being prominently displayed for all the world to see. They're even being used as a ploy to help the rest of Serena escape from Carter. I kid you not, the rest of Serena willingly undid her dress to try to put the boobs on display, while Serena's voice shouted "Oh no!" in a very fake way to try to get the attention of some cameramen. If this were another network, say HBO, I think we would have all died and gone to heaven, because we would have gotten to see the boobs. Oh well. Later, at a polo match, Serena wore a dress which accentuated the boobs' tan and threw around balls (which Rufus says will make her mother proud. Oh I'll bet it will, like mother like daughter after all, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) Then Serena jumped on horse and rode away, which made the boobs dance. Life is good for the boobs. Now for the rest of Serena, things aren't going so great. She spent the summer getting her picture taken everywhere possible to try to get the attention of her apparently-on-the-run father, who we will simply call Mr. Van der Woodsen, but apparently Papa VDW didn't want to see her. Now Serena's got a big case of the "Daddy didn't love me"s, so she's still desperately trying to get his attention. And she's "making out" with Carter. Yeah. Boobs.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair are playing some kind of game which ends in Blair belittling and innocent girl and them having hot, angry sex, or so I assume. (Note: I spent a fair bit of time trying to come up with an appropriate pop culture reference for Chuck and Blair's antics, so prize to the person who comes up with one.) S plants seeds of doubt in B's head about whether or not this arrangement is sustainable, so B spends the rest of the hour being suspicious of Chuck, especially when he says he's fine with stopping their fun. Accordingly, I spend the rest of the hour being alternately bored and nauseated by their cutesy interactions. Honestly, they need to get a spark or else watching them interact is quickly going to feel like watching paint dry. Please give them a long-term enemy to scheme against, ASAP.

Dan and Jenny have quickly taken to living on the UES. Dan now has a fancy-pants wallet to hold his hundred dollar bills ("They're impossible to break," he whined. Ughh. Hate him, and his "I'm an English major, it's supposed to look unkempt" hair.) Little J is still trying to recover from Mullet-gate '08, but it doesn't look like she's made much progress, so instead she's spent her summer stalking the Barefoot Contessa. (Poor Ina, she deserves better.) While Lily is out of town tending to her sick mother (or having her estranged husband's baby, depending on which newspapers you read), Rufus is doing the best he can to take care of the children, which on this show is about as easy as herding cats. Once you've think you've got them all squared away, Serena's boobs just decide to pop out of her dress. Anyway, Rufus is none too pleased with the boobs' escapades, but after she promises him there is a point to her behavior, he lets it slide. It's nice to see him backing away from his stringent-to-a-fault parenting tactics from last season. Either that or he got distracted by the boobs while scolding Serena. Take your pick.

Vanessa is, unfortunately, still Vanessa: a busy-body with no purpose except to drink coffee, make other people feel bad about not being poor, and wear weird clothes that make her look like Pocahontas (thank you for that one, Laura. Just go rewatch the polo match to see what I'm talking about.) In addition, Vanessa is now dating Lilfus' LOVECHILD, which is creepy, since he's only using her to get closer to his bio-parents. I'm really hoping that one day, Vanessa is just going to snap and go completely bat shit on everyone, because until then she will be absolutely boring, not to mention painfully annoying, to watch.

As for Nate, he's playing out his own private version of Romeo and Juliet with the daughter of a rival political family (played by the very beautiful Joanna Garcia.) I cannot figure out yet whether he is the Montague or the Capulet in this story. I'd love your opinions.

And so to summarize: Serena's boobs = GOOD, Chuck and Blair = BAD, The Humphreys movin' on up to the East Side = GOOD (for them), Vanessa still existing = BAD, Nate's love story = PROMISING, Lily's disappearance = SILLY.

For me, this season is really going to hinge on two the things: the boobs. Based on tonight's episode, I'd say we're off to a good start. ;)

As is my custom, I will leave you with some quotes:

"Ok, you're crazy."--Blond slut from the beginning of the episode to Blair. That's the understatement of the year.

"You're missing the key detail: sleeping with the enemy is hot."-Chuck Bass to Nate. Truer words were never spoken.

"I know what you did this summer, and who. Cristiano Reynaldo."--B to S and the boobs. Soccer players are a step up for S, no?

"I see the cat's out of the bag." "And topless on Valentino's yacht."--Dan and Rufus, about pictures of the boobs, and Serena, but mostly the boobs.

"Chuck, none of these girls are even worth humiliating, looking in the mirror will do that for them." --B about some models. There's my girl!

Oh, one more thing: BOOBS. Good night!