The Office: Recession Comes to Scranton

Haven't you heard? Oh, I was under the impression that everyone had heard. About the recession. You know, the one where people losing their jobs. And houses. And retirement funds. The one that they watch TV to escape. Yeah, that one. Well, apparently the damn thing has been going on so long that TV can no longer stay immune. The recession has come to Dunder Mifflin, and no one is safe, least of all productive work.

So apparently, Dunder Mifflin may or may not be filing for bankruptcy. Michael's response? Play a murder mystery dinner party game. Yeah. Now, the thing is, having worked at a company that went through significant layoffs earlier this year, I think I would have enjoyed doing something so frivolous and inappropriate to take my mind off of what was going. So although Michael is the most bizarre man to ever run an office, I think he's on to something here.

The other upside to this murder mystery was everyone talking in ridiculous Southern accents. I love a good Southern accent, especially from Pam. And Erin.

Speaking of Erin, SHE LIKES ANDY BACK! Oh it was so sad when Andy said he wasn't serious about asking her out because he thought she wasn't serious, because she was indeed serious! I think these two might make the perfect couple. She sweet, nice, and just quirky enough for him. Also, I think I'm going to be a big fan of Ellie Kemper, the actress that plays Erin. Her one-on-one with the camera where she told them she was actually really excited about going out with Andy was very, very good.

I kind of torn when it comes to deciding what the best scene in the episode was: Dwight punching himself in the balls, or Jim and Pam having a very real conversation about what would happen if they both lost their jobs. Yeah, it's definitely Dwight punching himself in the balls.

All in all, I really enjoyed tonight's episode, although I can't fathom what would actually happen if Dunder Mifflin were to liquidate or shut down.

Gossip Girl: Getting Down with 3P

There is one thing, and one thing only, that I want to talk about tonight. I was so surprised, but also not so surprised. It makes total sense that it happened this way. If I wasn't so blinded my love for Serena, I would totally have seen this coming. Were you surprised? I totally didn't see Jenny not knowing how to ballroom dance, did you?

Naaah, I'm just playing with you. Let's talk about the fact that Dan, Olivia, and VANESSA ABRAMS had a THREESOME. AAAAAAHHHHH. One, AWESOME FOR DAN. I didn't think dude had it in him. Two, I think this does an away with any lingering dislike I may have ever had for Hilary Duff. Can we please, please, please make her a series regular? I think she's great. Three, (and this one comes from my dear friend Tali), I'm worried about Vanessa's annoying quotient for next week, because this threesome thing has dropped it all the way down, and like the Dow last fall, there's going to be a lot of volatility moving forward after this event. My real fear is that this little menage-a-trois is going to make Vanessa realize she is secretly in love with Dan again, which will make my insides scream "Go drink coffee and leave me alone!" I'm also afraid that will set off some kind of psychotic break in Olivia which cause her and Dan to break up and Olivia to leave the show. All in all though, the threesome was a bit of a snoozer. If only Serena were involved.....

Brief rundown of the rest of the episode:

• Serena going after a Congressman even after she says she won't = stupid and ambitious
• Jenny Humphrey trying to become Queen of the UES = ughh
• Jenny Humphrey having her escort stolen from her by some new girl = Awesome
• Jenny Humphrey using Nate (YET AGAIN) to get back in with the popular crowd = Really?
• Serena and Blair reconciling because Chuck locked them in an elevator = Sugar and spice and everything nice
• Serena's Dad writing to Lily = HIGHLY UNBELIEVABLE. (1) He would call (2) He would show the fuck up (3) Serena is going to go on a coke binge and sleep with Congressman Trip because of this.
  

I apologize if this post seems a little disjointed: I'm operating on very little sleep. I couldn't let the threesome go unacknowledged though. Have a good night.

V Premiere: We Are Of Peace....And Universal Healthcare

Just finished the V premiere, and I will tell you immediately, I really liked it and I think it has a lot of potential. I didn't take notes, so this post will be mostly just my high level impressions. First one:

Are the Visitors supposed to be some symbol of Obama? Let me say up front that I am a Democrat through and through, so I'm an Obama fan. Ok, now I watched this episode with roommate, and right about the time that Anna, the head visitor, was giving her press conference, my roommate said, "Huh, they're like Obama," mostly because of their message of peace and love and all that. Skip to later in the episode when Anna is giving her first big interview to Chad (Scott Wolf). One of the first things she talks about? Opening Visitor's healing centers all over the planet, i.e., universal healthcare. I swear, I about fell out of my chair. This show is TOPICAL, to say the least. Seriously, universal healthcare in the premiere? I wouldn't be surprised if the Vs have some death panels up their sleeves later on. But seriously, are the creators secret Sarah Palin fans? Am I just imagining this or did anyone else think this too?

I still love Elizabeth Mitchell. I like that she's starting out as the hero this time around, I like that her character, Erica, is an FBI agent, but damn I wish she was going to have a big role on LOST this season.

Morena Baccarin is the sexiest alien since Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine. And here is where I'm showing just how geeky I am, since that was a Star Trek: Voyager reference. But seriously, Anna could have easily become a wooden, ice queen character in the hands of a lesser actress, but Baccarin gives her some subtlety and intensity which makes her just fascinating to watch.

Who else thinks Erica and the priest will eventually get it on? I do.

I'm kind of hoping the show stays good/gets better, although I will say I'm not a fan of this 4 episodes now, the rest of the episodes later airing pattern. Hopefully the ratings will be huge and ABC will reconsider.

Gossip Girl: The More Things Change....

....the less I'm sure that I still like this show. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed this episode, but there are some things going on that make me feel like I'm watching a completely different show. I guess that's just a feature of these characters growing up, but it leaves me a little conflicted. Let's look at what worked:

The characters continuing to embrace jobs/careers/etc. Now seeing Nate and Vanessa take on more adult roles (Nate as the shady political advisor and Vanessa as the investigate reporter/general busybody), I stand by what I said last week: I'd watch a show where these characters are young adults with jobs and careers. Now I realize that pursuing that format might mean abandoning the Gossip Girl narrator conceit (at 23, who's really going to want to write a blog about these people?), but I think it might be well worth it. Careers will gives these kids something more to care about. I really do think they should consider pressing fast forward at the end of the season.

Blair and Serena's fighting. I'm going to be honest, I hated this argument for 3/4 of the episode. I hate it when Blair and Serena fight because its always over something stupid and they always make up in the end. Then Blair called Serena a whore and Serena pushed Blair into the cake. Ok, I'm a sucker for girlfights. And then Chuck had to go and get all wise and tell Serena that she and Blair needed to stop acting like children because one day they were going to drift apart for good. As if that wasn't enough, Blair went and told Serena the real issue was that Blair was growing up and Serena was just stuck, drifting from her family and dating a string of unfortunate men. Ouch. But also very, very true. It seems like this fight is going to last for a while, but I hope they make up in the end. And then they stop having stupid fights like this.

Dan didn't freak out about his girlfriend being prettier than him and making a joke about him on TV. Old Dan totally would have dumped her because she wasn't as real as him and he couldn't handle her "status." After seeing the interview, New Dan simply realized he forgot their anniversary. I think tonight's episode was the first time I didn't want to punch him, even though he and Olivia are nauseating together.

Blair befriending an escort in her search for a new BFF. That was just hilarious. Also, she's obviously an intellectual hooker with a name like Brandeis, instead of the more traditional Lexus or Mercedes.

Serena looking at a picture of herself in the paper and smiling. This was the opening shot and it was amazing. It was nice to see the show continue to point out that Serena is a vain, self-centered girl.

Now for the things I didn't like or just seemed plain stupid:

The whole Nate-is-losing-his-moral-compass plot. It made no sense and just seemed really out of character for him. This is a kid who turned his own dad in to the FBI. The only way this would have worked is if (1) it was very clear that he was out to get the Buckleys because of Bre's betrayal and (2) we had actual seen enough of their relationship to believe that he would care about said break-up. I'm glad to be done with it, but it just seemed dumb.

Vanessa making a documentary about Trip's campaign. Bitch, please. Vanessa HATES rich people and more specifically she HATES the Vanderbilts, because they stole Nate from her. Why would she agree to make a documentary about them? Maybe because she's trying to get closer to Nate again and insert herself into his life, because she's crazy and all up in people's business. I have to her credit for three things though: (1) making sure NY1 got the tape regardless of Nate's interference (2) not drinking any coffee throughout the entire episode and (3) not dressing up like a Disney character. I'll take my victories where I can get them.

The implication that Tripp will sleep with Serena. DUDE. You've just been elected to Congress after an election day scandal that almost cost you the race. Your wife is pretty cute. There is no need to be with Serena and the Boobs. I mean, don't get me wrong, if circumstances were different I might condone this. BUT YOU JUST GOT ELECTED. It's way too soon for the sex scandal. And Serena, SHAME ON YOU. You're totally playing into what Blair said. Don't be an idiot. There are plenty of other guys who want the Boobs. Let this one go.

Spelling Vanderbilt Van Der Bilt. Please, are we supposed to believe that anyone would actually spell Vanderbilt that way? Or that they might be part of some other Vanderbilt clan that spells it that way? Nuh-uh. I get that maybe the real life Vanderbilts didn't want their name used, but then the show should figure out how to avoid showing it. Spelling it this way is just stupid.

Jenny being sick. Unnecessary, didn't make any sense continuity wise, and just plain annoying. What's the matter, J, did throwing that sewing machine on the floor in your bedroom last week take it out of you? Or did all that face makeup you've been wearing clog your pores so the toxins can't get out? You suck at life.

So that's it for me. I will leave you with some quotes, but before I go, let me just tell you: THREESOME EPISODE IS NEXT WEEK. I repeat: THREESOME. NEXT WEEK.

"Make it happen. Clean up your mess or clean out your desk."--Casey.

"As much as I enjoy listening to my girlfriend talk to my ex-girlfriend about her fake boyfriend who is coincidentally my current girlfriend's ex...."--Dan. When you put it that way, Dan, you make it seem like this show is unrealistic.

"Ughh....please, I'm not friends with staff."--Blair to the Alpha New Headband, making sure that Alpha New Headband is a minion and nothing more.

'What about that Vanessa girl, didn't you know her in high school?" "I've never heard that name before. Now you can see yourself out."--Beta New Headband and Blair just before Blair dishonorably discharges her. (Random thought: Blair gets an Apprentice/Top Chef-esque reality show to find minions. Her dismissal catch phrase. "Please relinquish your headband. Dorota will see you out.")

"Miley Cyrus is already signed on to play the Elizabeth Shue role. They must have seen her on that pole at the TCAs."--Patrick to Serena about the Leaving Las Vegas remake. Now that sounds like a party in the USA if I've ever heard one.

"Well you didn't think they actually wanted to play 5 hours worth of board games with us, did you?"--Lily to Rufus about Dan and Olivia. Yes he did, Lil, and that's why you love him.

"He's bombed. He's worse than Paula Abdul during Hollywood Week."--Blair to Serena about Patrick. FUNNIEST LINE OF THE NIGHT.

'The polls are closed and Gossip Girl is calling this election...dirty."--GG

"Let me guess you want to go upstairs and see if two blondes make a right."--Serena to the Senator. Can I just say, I DO! I DO! I DO!

"Ladies, this is supposed to be a classy event not a sample sale at an outlet mall."--Chuck to Blair and Serena.

"The only prostitute here is you."-Blair to Serena just before Serena shoves her face into a cake. FUCKING. AMAZING.

"It is time for her to grow up." 'This from a girl who pushed her best friend into a cake."--Serena and Chuck

"Bartender, I'll have what she's having."--Tripp about Serena's drink. And she didn't even have to make sex noises to get him to do it.

How I Met Your Mother: Best Episode Yet

I'm practically jimping, that's how good that episode was. Seriously, it was like head and shoulders above any episode thus far this season. There are several factors that contributed to this. I will take each in turn:

1. The believable yet slightly absurd but always hilarious plot. Lily and Marshall get into an argument over washing the dishes that spirals into an argument about a whole bunch of other stuff. Realistic? Yes. Hilarious? Yes. Robin and Barney do very weird things to stop themselves from arguing. (Barney abruptly walks out of the room, and Robin takes off her clothes.) Realistic? A little bit, although their methods are extreme. Hilarious? Yes. Also, I loved the juxtaposition of these two couples: one so good at being in a relationship that it's sickening versus one just starting out that has a lot of roadblocks to normalcy in its way. It was nice to see everyone make up in the end.

2. The newly-invented term. From this evening's episode, it was "playing the bagpipes," a euphemism for having sex very loudly, and "new relationship smugness," thinking your new relationship is better than all others. Based on the quality of the episode, I think they will quickly join the ranks of "reading a magazine," Old King Clancy, Lemon Law, and last but not least The Hot-Crazy Scale.

3. The inside jokes. At one point in the episode, Ted and Marshall make a slap bet. Now, you may remember that there was a running slap bet between Marshall and Barney that started back in season two--you know, right around the time that this happened. It was nice to see that concept brought up again.

4. The fast paced dialogue. Seriously, tonight felt like a joke-a-minute episode, but not in a way that felt rushed, but in a way that makes me want to go back and watch the episode over and over and over again.

So for me those are the four criteria for a fantastic HIMYM episode and tonight we saw all of them in play. And in case you were wondering, I totally side with Lily. Dirty dishes go right in the dishwasher, leaving them in the sink attracts flies.

I will leave you with some quotes:

"Hell I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know."--Marshall to Barney.

'You can't fight if you're not there, that's what Gandhi taught us." "Well that's not true."--Barney and Ted

"Call me crazy." "Crazy."--Marshall and Ted. HAHAHAHAHA.

"There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking."--Barney. UP TOP.

"You're right, I'll do the dishes....right after I do this."--Lily to Barney is his fantasy (which kind of sounds like my fantasy, except maybe we both wash the dishes. Ok, fine I wash the dishes because I know she won't do it right. There, happy now?)

"Barney...with his crazy well thought out theories that probably might work."--Marshall about Barney

'We spent the whole weekend cuddling by the fire. No black diamonds, but a lot of red hearts."--Robin. This is when I threw up. Just FYI.

"It's like Gandhi said, smile don't cost nothing sugar." "I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is."--Barney and Ted

"I knew you were lying. You've got to wake up pretty early to slip one by the T-Mos." "Stop it."--Ted and Robin. Don't worry T-Mos, V-Dog approves of the nickname.

"You're dirty, maybe I should leave you in the sink."--Lily to Marshall. You can leave me in the sink anytime, Lil. Oh yeah, UP TOP.

Gossip Girl: Gimlets and Fights Make For A Good Halloween Night

Eh, yeah the title is a little cutesy. I apologize. This episode put me in a good mood, even though nothing particularly good happened. There weren't very many quotable quotes, and I'm starting to get sick of watching Blair and Chuck bicker then make up, but there were a lot of little things about this episode that I really, really liked, and that I liked ranting about. Let's dive in:

Chuck, Serena, and the Boobs as working adults. I've decided that I like seeing Chuck, Serena, and the Boobs have jobs, especially ones that they're so well suited for. Chuck loves to party, so of course he should own a club. Serena and the Boobs are fame whores, so of course they would be publicists. These are jobs they know how to do and they seem to be good at. I think I could watch a future version of this show that centered around some kind of event planning company run by these two, and I would probably like it. I want to see more of them in these kind of situations.

Gimlet. Perfect name for a club run by Chuck. To quote Liz Lemon, I want to go to there. Also, speakeasy-themed Halloween party? Total winner. Furthermore, speakeasy themed Halloween party getting broken up by the cops? Because Chuck planned it that way? Olympic fucking champion.

Hilary Duff. I know, I know, she's not that annoying, right? Who would have expected it? Not me. Although there is a chance that I find her less annoying now that we've gotten to see a few scenes from Endless Nights, Olivia's movie. Turns out vampires + soft core + period costumes = something I will watch and enjoy. No surprise there really given my obsession with True Blood. (Also, random thought: Michelle Forbes should guest star as Lily's sister or something. Wouldn't that be awesome?) Anyway, I'm also convinced that she makes Dan less annoying. I would actually like to see her stick around. Lord knows she's not getting much other work.

Lily and Rufus. They are so sweet together. I love that Lily paid to have children come trick or treat just to make Rufus happy. They are quickly becoming my favorite part of the show. Also, loved how Lily scolded Little J. Speaking of which.....

Things I didn't like:

The rise of Little J, the Dead-Eyed Queen of Constance. Little J: I hate, hate, hate, hate it when you make your power-drunk, I'm-the-Queen-bitches face. You look like you've shut your brain off. Also, show some emotion once in a while. It won't kill you, although it may aggravate that massive hangover you seem to walk around with all the time. Try some Tylenol and an orange juice. Also, you're a moron for betraying Eric to the New Headbands. That yogurt prank was cold. Honestly, don't you remember when you were a homeless fashion designer and Marissa Cooper's sister burned all your clothes? And Eric was still nice to you? YOU'RE AN IDIOT. Furthermore, if you're going to try to rid yourself of your old life by throwing away all those clothes you made for yourself and your sewing machine, you could at least, oh I don't know, TAKE THEM TO THE TRASH CHUTE. Throwing them in a giant pile on the floor for whichever maid is cleaning the van der Humphrey apartment these days doesn't really make it seem like you're trying. Maybe you were trying not to move too much again because of the massive hangover. Whatever, I'm starting to hate you once more. Bitch. Goodbye.

Bitchy Serena. When Serena and the Boobs get bitchy, they act like Little J, which means it seems like they're not acting at all. Her voice goes all wooden and she keeps her eyes half open. If Little J has a massive hangover, then Serena and the Boobs have popped a muscle relaxer or a valium. I would appreciate it if we could have Blair, Serena, and the Boobs make up relatively quickly, as I'm not interested in watching them fight if Serena is just going to imitate Mischa Barton, thank you. That being said, girl knows how to get her picture taken....that and date rich famous men. I give this new one two episodes.

Chuck and Blair fighting. Like Chuck said at the end of the episode, they work best when they are scheming against others. Let's start to see more of that next week.

Other things to note:

• Can someone tell me what Nate does all day? How does he time to constantly be downtown and in Brooklyn? Does he actually go to NYU and they forgot to tell us? Seriously?
• Where is Vanessa? She and Blair have some massive detente at the end of last week's episode, and this week she is nowhere to be seen. Bitch, please. And don't tell me she is off visiting her sister. We know she is in that coffeehouse drinking coffee and deciding which minority Disney character to dress up as next. My money is on Jasmine.
  
• Dorota and Vanya need more screen time. Love those two.
• There was a little girl dressed up as Lady GaGa for Halloween. I think we all need to be worried about the youth of America. Especially since the little girl planned 12 costume changes for the course of the night.
  

That's it from me. I'll leave you with the quotes:

"I told you I was sorry for my little transgression. Now either make me kiss a girl already or move on."--Blair to Chuck

"Seriously man, do you not get internet here in Brooklyn."--Nate to Dan. No, he doesn't. He also doesn't get clues in Brooklyn either.

"Fix it and in a timely fashion, or were all going as the Real Housewives of New Jersey for Halloween."--Jenny to the New Mean Girls. Two words, Little J: PROSTITUTION. WHORE.

"I'm sorry...apparently Chuck hasn't forgiven you."--Serena and the Boobs to Blair. Uh oh.

"A fight implies time and energy. This is more of an ongoing, detached distrust."--Chuck

"I love the photo of you. So flattering. Who can resist free gifts...and shiny wrappers."--Dan to Olivia, talking about condoms.

"Oooh hooo hoooo, I don't like the tickle."--Dorota about her pedicure.

"I don't know why he's blaming me, I can't control every girl at school." "Jenny, you and I both know that that's not true."--Jenny and Lily. Lily, have I said I liked you today?

"Tell those pathetic trick or treaters there's no pre-packaged joy here."--Blair

"Remember when you chose Chuck? Now I did too."--Blair to Serena and the Boobs. I smell a fight brewing.

"Blair you and I both know you'll never be completely trustworthy."--Chuck. Oh snap.

How I Met Your Mother's Contribution to the English Language: Legendary

The folks over at Television Without Pity have pulled together a list of terms introduced by How I Met Your Mother that have revolutionized the way 20-somethings speak to each other. While I've found the Hot/Crazy Scale to be most useful in my day to day life, my personal favorite will forever be the Old King Clancy. You know what I'm talking about. Oh yeah.

Gossip Girl: Vanessa Paints With All the Colors of the Wind, Including the Crazy Ones

Well, this week's episode didn't suck. I'm actually realized surprised that it didn't suck. Post-Georgina episodes in my opinion are usually a bit of a let down. Of course, we did have ANNA ESPINOZA in this episode, so maybe that's why it was somewhat good. (For those of you who don't now who Anna Espinoza is, click here for an overview.) Let's talk about what worked:

VANESSA WAS DRESSED LIKE POCAHONTAS. Normally, anything involving Vanessa is a negative. This time, not the case. The way she was dressed for the freshman toast instantly made me think of Disney's favorite Native American princess. Don't believe me, click here. Don't tell me you don't see the similarities. And don't tell me that you don't think she did it on purpose.

VANESSA'S MOTHER. Now I can understand why Vanessa loves coffee so much. She uses the constant rush of caffeine to simulate what she thinks a mother's love should feel like. Vanessa's mother is a little bit of bitch (again, not surprising because she's Anna Espinoza). She doesn't believe in private universities, or movies, or being nice and supportive. She's all I'm-hard-on-you-because-I-love-you-bitch to Vanessa. But seriously, she hates NYU? It's pretty frigging liberal. It's not like Vanessa went to Yale or something. You have to feel a little bad for her though when she overhears Vanessa say she wishes Lily and Rufus were her parents. That's harsh. I felt a little less bad when she stood Vanessa up at--where else--the coffee shop. No wants to see Vanessa cry. She makes ugly cry face.

Vanessa being manipulative. Because really did anyone expect it to not blow up in her face? She can't tell entirely different stories to Olivia and Dan and expect them not to discuss it. She knows how much Dan loves the sound of his own voice, he will speak, dammit.

Blair manipulating Chuck. Chuck actually really does love her, and he was legitimately upset that she tricked him into kissing that guy so she would get to deliver the Freshman Toast. Also, I'm going to make the painful joke: We found out Chuck kissed a boy before, and he liked it. (Groan...damn you Katy Perry and your incessantly popular lyrics.) This storyline also worked for me because I love manipulative Blair. She's so frenetic and full of life.

Olivia going all diva to freak out Lily and Rufus. (1) Hilary Duff does have some kind of personality (2) I think that actually made me like her more and (3) I appreciate any situation where someone tries to embarrass Dan. Tool.

Ok, now let's talk about what didn't work:

Serena, the Boobs, and Nate and the weird ass poker storyline. So there were a lot of things that annoyed me about this. (1) Nate thinking he knows anything about poker. (2) Serena thinking Nate knows anything about poker. (3) Serena thinking she knows anything about poker. About how halfway through the game after Serena lost the intial $25K, I wrote down: WHY WAS THIS EVER A GOOD IDEA?? (4) Carter's punishment? Working on an oil rig. Seriously? Seriously? (4) The weird dress Serena was wearing that distracted from the Boobs. (4) Nate playing Serena to endear himself to his family. No one, NO ONE, betrays the Boobs. (5) Serena lighting a bajillion candles in her room. That seems like a huge fire hazard. (6) Carter wanting to work on the oil rig to serve out his punishment. (7) Carter NOT WANTING TO SPEND ONE LAST NIGHT WITH SERENA AND THE BOOBS. Seriously, you're about to go onto an oil rig full of Texans who hate you and you don't want to spend the night with THE BOOBS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

The period opening. It was annoying, although Blair would have nightmares about Vanessa, since she represents everything Blair hates: an educated proletariat looking to overturn the social order.

Blair and Vanessa sitting together at the end of the episode. See above for one reason why this would never, ever, ever, EVER happen. No.

So in general, the episode was good, except for the gross misuse of Serena and the Boobs. I'm signing off for the evening, so I will leave you with some quotes.

"Don't worry, I have an idea."--Nate. FAMOUS. LAST. WORDS.

"I'm in no mood to her you fawn over some girl with tacky accessories who lives to recycle."--Blair to her minion about Vanessa. Blair, you forgot about the coffee.

"I would never put my fate is someone else's hands, which is why I win, and you lose."--Blair

"Ok, so do you have any non-insane reasons?"--Dan to Vanessa about why he shouldn't take Olivia to the freshman dinner. No, Dan, she doesn't. You've met her, right?

"My husband and I don't believe in private universities, knowledge should be free."--Vanessa's mother. I bet she's a fan of free health care too. That and communism.

"I'll go powder my nose for...10 minutes?" "I only need 5."--Blair and Chuck about how long it will take him to pick up Ellis.

"You think I'm upset because I never kissed a guy before? I'm upset because I kissed someone who wasn't you."--Chuck. Huzzah?

"Sophie, you're minion number one."--Blair to one of the minions while re-ranking them. At least her formula is easier to understand than the BCS.

"I love Rufus and Lily, and I wish they were my parents."--Vanessa, just as her mother walks in. Ouch.

"Lily you're supposed to say everything is going to be fine. Where did you learn how to give a pep talk, Guantanamo?"--Blair. So THAT's where Lily was. Mystery solved.

How I Met Your Mother: Feeling Out of Place Never Looked This Funny

Ah yes, here it is: a wonderful, gleeful, very funny episode of How I Met Your Mother. Yet again, this show seems to have a direct link into my brain: tonight's episode was all about feeling out of place in your own life, something I've been feeling a bit lately. For Robin, this means considering having to give up her Canadian citizenship, i.e., the very core of her identity. For Ted, it means realizing that your bro trips will never be the same as they were when you were 19, except for the violent stomachaches after bad pizza. The meaty plot, coupled with some very funny jokes, made for my favorite episode of the season thus far. Let's look at what worked:

Robin studies to become an American citizen. This was funny because (1) we got to see Robin act Canadian, A LOT. I love Canadian Robin. Especially drunk, I-will-fight-you Canadian Robin. (2) We got to see Barney teach her to be an American. My favorite lesson? Holding up a picture of Queen Elizabeth II and telling her it was Elton John. Priceless, and not really that much of a stretch. (3) We got to GO TO CANADA. More specifically Toronto. Even more specifically a Tim Hortons. I love Tim Hortons. And I love that we finally got to see a Tim Hortons, because Robin always talks about them. And they are great. (4) Curling, Canadian money, hockey......do I really need to go on? I want Robin to take a trip home with Barney to meet her parents. That would be funny. (5) Robin thinks being American is basically being mean and telling people what to do....basically act like drunk Canadian Robin.

Marshall brings Lily on the bros trip. Don't get me wrong, I like being single, but I get where Ted is coming from. Sometimes you don't want to feel like the third wheel to someone else's relationship. It's a little demoralizing, especially when your trip full of energy drinks and beef jerky turns into massages at Crumpet Manor (I will get to that later). Additionally, the fact that Lily needs to pee constantly is pretty damn funny. Also, that book on tape would make me want to kill myself. Loved the gross pizza place they went to and the stomachaches they got afterward, especially when Marshall screamed "CUT IT OUT!" I've been there, and it's not pleasant.

Crumpet Manor. Marshall and Lily would go to a place like that. Cornmeal massages, a wishing well, a bench to sit on. The place sounds like it should be a stop on the next version of Candyland. Also, love the fact that all the pampering made lulled Lily into an almost comatose-like state.

Tantrum. One word: TANTRUM!! Excuse me while I go do push ups in the kitchen.

THE SONG. You know the one I'm talking about. The one about when I wake up. The one involving me knowing I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man the man who wakes up next to you. CAUSE I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE JUST TO BE THE MAN WHO WALKS A THOUSAND MILES AND SHOWS UP AT YOUR DOOR. BA DA DA DA. BA DA DA DA. DUM DIDDLE LA DIDDLE LA DIDDLE LA DA DA. Come on, you know you were singing along too. And you loved it. Every minute of it.

Lily has an iPhone. Nothing else really here except that I love my iPhone so much and was looking for an excuse to say it.

There really was nothing I disliked about this episode, it was all great. I will leave with you the quotes:

"We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in a soda bottle and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe."--Ted

'Tantrum!"--Ted

"We'll stay up all night. I'll drill you, then I'm gonna help you study."--Barney. UP TOP.

"Punch buggy yellow. Yellow. That reminds me I have to pee."--Lily

'Let's go buy something that's bad for us, then sue the people that made it. That's American, Robin."--Barney

"Now to prove you are American as apple pie and the childhood obseity it leads to...""--Barney

"Maybe I'll rob a liquor store, maybe I won't, my choice."--Robin, being American

"Learn English!"--Robin trying to be American and yelling at a cab.

"Oh my god what happened last night?" "You went Canadian."--Robin and Barney, as he finds her in a trashed hotel room in Toronto.

Mad Men: Shit Is About to Hit the Fan

I was excited to see tonight's episode, not because of what I expected to see onscreen, but rather because of what's been going on offscreen: this episode was the last one co-written by Emmy winner Kater Gordon, who was recently let go from the show. I was expecting a hot mess of an episode (as much as any episode of Mad Men could ever be a hot mess), but I was actually pleasantly surprised by what I saw. Stuff HAPPENED tonight. Let's dive into the best parts:

Betty finds out that Don Draper is really Dick Whitman. Betty found the keys to Don's secret drawer of secrets, and she seemed quite pleased with herself, until she found out what was in it. Her consternation at Don's pictures of his youth turned to anger when she found the deed to the house in California and Don's divorce papers from the other Mrs. Draper. OH SHIT. You would think Betty would freak out, but no. Instead she decides to sit up and wait for Don, glass of wine and cigarette in hand, so she can confront him when he gets home. When Don doesn't show up, she puts the box away and the key back in his robe. Apparently she is going to sit on this information for a while. Why? I do not know.

The Brits are selling Sterling Cooper. I'm not really sure why (they want to cash in apparently, but that seems silly, because the agency is making a ton of money.) This is interesting because (1) Roger, Bert, and Don have no idea and will probably freak out and (2) it means we can get rid of that awful Mr. Price. He's boring as shit and annoying too.

Miss Farrell is about to go Fatal Attraction on Don. First, she tells him she wants to scream while they're having sex. Then, she wants him to meet her brother. Then, she calls his house and denies it. (I KNOW it was her.) Then, she just appears on his train to work. She's also going through a tough emotional period because of her brother's problems--he has epilepsy. If this were a different kind of show, she and Betty would be having a showdown. Regardless, I think she's going to continue to unexpectedly intrude in Don's life.

Paul finally realizes that Peggy is smarter and more creative than he is. That final scene, where Peggy just takes a Chinese saying that he had mentioned mere minutes before and turns it into a pitch is kind of awesome. Also, Paul is a tool.

Those were my takeaways from tonight's episode. I'll leave you with some quotes to help you ponder your own:

"Do you feel bad about what you do?--Crazy Miss Farrell to Don. Obviously not, lady.

"I love getting telegrams, but I never send them." "How is that supposed to help?"--Cosgrove and Don.

"Ughh, he's such a toad." "He is, he is."--Price's wife and Price about Price's assistant. Note: I like Mrs. Price.

"Well he knows how to leave a room."--Crazy Miss Farrell's brother about Don.

"Geez Louise"--Sally, when Betty yells at her for asking questions, but also probably about her life in general.

"I don't care about your marriage, or your work, or any of that, as long as I know you're with me."--Miss Farrell to Don. She's also stolen a lock of your hair and keeps it with her all the time.

"Good god would you shut up."--Paul to Lois

"She's not Margaret, she's Jane, she's my wife." "Does Mona know?"--Roger and his mother. That was fucking hilarious.

Grey's Anatomy: Every Time I Think I'm Out, It Pulls Me Back In

Let me say this upfront: I fucking hate this show. I do not when it happened, I do not know how it happened, but watching this show causes me physical pain. I cannot stand it. Let me expound on the things I hated this week:

• I hate the Chief. I HATE him. He has turned into a giant, giant asshole. I don't even recognize this man anymore. He is in love with power and in love with himself. This merger will not be good for the hospital. Where is Adele? Why isn't she talking him out of this madness?
  
• I hate the Mercy West doctors. I hate that impish little one who used to be on Heroes. I hate that brownnose bitch. I hate the guy who exploited Izzie (even if I hate her, I still consider her one of my own, and will attack anyone who attacks her). I hate their ugly orange scrubs. (This is a hospital, not a hazmat area). I hate that fact that I have to learn a whole new set of character names. They fucking suck.
  
• I hate that they put Ellen Pompeo in a bed. It was starting to get fun guessing the things they would hide her behind so we don't see her pregnant belly. The bed is a cop out (although I'm glad Meredith did donate the piece of liver to Thatcher).
  
• I hate that they're trying to cram too much story into one episode. Let's take Callie's storyline, for example. Her dad shows up with a priest to try to get her to go straight again, and she freaks out. Arizona convinces her to talk to him again, and we get a really great scene of them quoting the Bible at each other to prove their points. We also get a scene of Arizona talking to Callie's dad where we learn she comes from a military family and they have a quiet moment of bonding. This story would have been enough to carry an episode, but it was overshadowed by those damn doctors in hazmat suits.
  

I think the thing I hate most about this show, though, is that when I'm about to write it off, it fucking has to go and make me care again. First, Cristina has an epic breakdown in Mer's hospital room where she freaks out about the fact that her career is going nowhere. When Cristina cries, I listen. Sandra Oh, you are a fantastic actress and you deserve an Emmy for what you did in this episode in the worst way possible. The crying, the brutal honesty, the halting speech. Now that is what I call dramatic acting. It kills me, KILLS ME, to see Cristina, fierce, fiery, force of nature Cristina reduced to tears, to a shell of herself.

The good stuff didn't stop there though. Nope, because THIS happened:



I have said terrible, horrible things about Izzie Stevens. I have wished death on her character repeatedly. I have called her bat-shit crazy, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and bat-shit crazy.
I've gotta tell you though, this broke my heart. She didn't deserve to go out like that. Not after Alex fried a guy's brain back in season 1, not after Cristina lied and lied and lied for Burke, fuck not even after she didn't get fired for cutting the fucking LVAD wire back in Season 2. She's got CANCER and she's still doing her job. She made a mistake, but a mistake no worse than any of the others have before. Everything about this scene worked: the way Izzie's eyes and only her eyes change when she realizes what is about to happen, the way the Chief shuts down on her and goes into his drone "it's budget not performance" speech, and they way she goes all quiet and says meekly "Please don't do this to me. Please don't take this away from me, I don't have anything left. Please." Izzie may still be a crazy bitch, but if you don't feel for her there, you're made of stone.

And it didn't even stop there. In the final scene, Alex goes into Mer's hospital room, where she and Cristina are lying in bed, and tells them while hovering near the door, that Izzie has left him. He's on the verge of tears the entire time, but when Meredith commands Cristina to hug him, he recoils as she approaches. The episode ends there. And then there were three.

So to conclude, fuck you Grey's Anatomy and fuck you Shonda Rhimes, because you now have me invested in this show yet again when I desperately, desperately do not want to be.


I will leave with you some of the better quotes of the night:

"You will never measure up to the people we've lost."--Izzie to the toolish Mercy West attending, referring to George

"I miss Burke. I miss him all day."--Cristina. WOAH.

"She's not a vegetarian, is she? I don't know how much more of this I can take."--Callie's father to Callie about Arizona.

30 Rock Premiere: IT'S BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!

30 Rock returned tonight and all of us coastal, liberal, yuppie, media elites rejoiced. Oh how we rejoiced! 30 Rock is fresh off it's 3rd consecutive Best Comedy Emmy and tonight the show was firing on all cylinders. I would say let's talk about what worked and what didn't, but I can't find fault with the episode, so let's talk about my favorite parts:

Liz and Pete. I loved how these two sneaking around automatically equaled affair to everyone else (in reality they were trying to find a new cast member who would appeal to Middle America). Even better, Pete's wife showing up and saying she would let Liz into a threesome if that's what Pete wanted. If I were Liz, I wouldn't have been so quick to dismiss. She isn't getting any younger and we all know how much she wants a baby......just kidding!

Tracy trying to commune with the regular folk. Someone who lights money on fire for fun trying to befriend us huddled masses could have gone poorly, but Tracy Jordan is just so bat shit crazy that it is nothing but funny. See the quotes below for some of my favorites from him tonight.

The page strike. I liked this plot because:

1. It's topical. The Wall Street bonus controversy is beginning to rear its ugly head once more. I'm not going to get political and take sides, but I will say, I love the idea of a strike whose sole goal is to get someone to admit they're a liar, rather than any kind of monetary reward.
2. It featured Jack, and Jack is funny.
3. Kenneth talked in a weird, bizarre Southern accent. It was funnier than it sounds.
   

Jenna going country. Just another chance for her to indulge her unrestrainable narcissism. Love it.

Cheesy blasters. These were mentioned in the opening scene. I've noticed a pattern involving Liz Lemon and cheesy things: she gets excited about them, eats them, then complains about how they hurt her stomach and will eventually make her go to the bathroom. I know for Liz, sometimes food is a metaphor for something bigger. I wonder what cheese stands for. Also, have we seen Liz talk about the yogurt that makes you poop? I think she would have an opinion on that.

And now, since it is getting late, let's move on to the quotes:

"Don't look at me in the eyes."--Tracy to the guy in the comedy club. This is because Tracy Jordan is actually Medusa, except instead of turning into stone, you'll start to think people are Muppets.

"Thanks to Comrade Obama's recession, we've had to cut overtime for pages."--Jack. Hey now, Jack, the recession started before he got elected. We can't keep giving him credit for things he hasn't accomplished, can we?

"Liz's uterus fell out."--Pete to Cerie when she asked what he and Liz were talking about. Cerie thought she already new that. I think to Cerie "uterus" must equal "dignity."

"My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?"--Tracy. (1) Moby would and (2) Tracy wouldn't be friends with him, he'd steal his glasses and tea.

"Bonus means extra. I know that...from game shows."--Kenneth. So do I, Kenneth, so do I.

"You do not want to mess with me right now. I'm in the middle of a raging period......of economic turnmoil."--Jack. Hehehehehe.

"Shut up, shut up, here it comes."--Liz to Jack about Jenna. That's because Jenna is a banshee and therefore not actually a female. Either that or Damien grown up and cross-dressing.

"Are you a large child or a small adult?"--Tracy to an Asian woman on the street. L-O-fucking-L. Teresa? Lanie? Lois? Any answers?

Are you a pre-op trans centaur?"--Tracy again. No, Tracy, he's a post-op faun. Learn your mythical creatures dammit.

"There you go. Case closed, Pete and I are intercoursing each other."--Liz to the writers. The way she says "intercoursing" just gets me all hot and bothered ;)

"Do it now when she's drunk on attention...or in an hour when she's just drunk."--Pete to Liz about telling Jenna they're hiring another cast member. Drunk is drunk in my book.

"If it's a blond woman, I will kill myself!! AAAAHHHH!!!"--Jenna, about the potential new cast member. Do you think she would react the same way if it was her clone?

"If it's a blond woman, I will kill myself!"--Tracy, about the potential new cast member. I love how these two think alike.

"Massage it, Kenneth."--Jack. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So what did you all think? Did you all love it as much as I did? Also, didn't anyone notice Jack call the new mammogram machine GE was manufacturing the "Git-R-Done 3000?" Priceless.

The Office: It's Only Been a Week and I Already Miss Jim and Pam

So The Office didn't completely suck tonight. In my mind, that is a good thing, since my own viewing history of the show would indicate that a stellar episode--like last week's wonderful wedding--gets followed by a really crappy one. Tonight's episode didn't have any of the Michael Scott histrionics that usually make my skin crawl, which is in and of itself a victory. Let's look at what worked and what didn't:

The Good:

• Kevin using Jim's office as a place to fart. I LOLed (or lolled as I like to say) at that one. Also, the fact that Kevin got Jim's credit card cancelled? HILARIOUS, albeit unfortunate for Jim, who was on his honeymoon with Pam, because they got married last week. Did I mention they got married? :) :)
  
• The Italian-American insurance agent. I may not have mentioned this, but I happen to be Italian-American. My family is from Brooklyn--Bensonhurst to be specific--and I grew up eating pasta with red sauce 3 to 4 nights a week. Fuggedaboudit. So seeing someone who represents my background walk into Michael's office was FANTASTIC. Additionally, his presence prompted Michael, Dwight, and Andy to all try to order gabbagool (aka, capicola, a spicy Italian ham) at the restaurant. My mother likes to say the word gabbagool to remind me where I came from. Yeah, this was a nice turn of events.
  

The Bad:

• Michael and the rest of the office thinking the insurance agent was in the Mafia. Come on, everyone knows insurance leaves too big of a paper trail. And you can't hide bodies in offices like you can in garbage dumps and concrete foundations of buildings. I'm just saying. Also, this went on for way too long. Way too long.
  
• No Jim and Pam. I know, I know, they were on their honeymoon, and we got to hear their voices, but, as I've said, they are the primary reason I still watch this show, so a week without them cannot be a good week in my book.
• The feeling that nothing really happened tonight. This episode felt very much like filler, which I guess is understandable given that the wedding happened last week, but it still not pleasing.
  

So, for me, this was very much a "meh, whatever" episode. Now time for quotes:

"What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with."--Michael. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, Michael.

"Jim's on his honeymoon, so I started borrowing his office to fart in."--Kevin. HAHAHAHA. HA. HA.....HA

"For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the mafia."-Oscar. Nope, just in the restaurant, construction, and waste management businesses.

'R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder" not 'muckduck.' "--Dwight

"Criminals are like racoons, give them a taste of cat food and soon they'll be back for the whole cat."--Dwight

"I want the gabbagool."--Michael. I'm not quite sure how to spell the way this sounds, this is the closest I can get. It does sound as funny as it looks here though I promise. And it tastes delicious.

Community: I Like This Show A Lot, But I'm Still Not Sure It's Great

I have time to really blog tonight! Woo hoo! The evening started off with Community, which I'm normally excited to watch because I love Joel McHale and The Soup so much. Tonight's episode felt a little off though. I'm not saying it wasn't funny, it just wasn't consistently funny, which I would expect from a show that's got a few episodes under its belt. Let's break it down:

The Good:

• Senor Chang. He's got just enough "My life blows" in his personality to be crazy without going overboard. Ken Jeong is a fantastic actor.
  
• Jeff and Britta. I'm a sucker for romantic tension and I think I will like them as a couple when they get there. Until then, I will like Britta continually sniping at Jeff until he does something nice for her.
  
• Annie, aka Alison Brie, aka Trudy Campbell. I'm not sure I love Annie as a character. She can be a bit shrill. I do like seeing Alison Brie flex her comedic chops, because it's clear she's got great range to do drama and comedy. She needs to get her butt back over to Mad Men, though, because Pete's eyes are a-wandering and someone needs to watch him.
  

The Bad:

• Abed's storyline. Just didn't do it for me tonight. I kept waiting for him to walk off screen so I wouldn't have to see him. I found him irritating and not at all engaging like he was when he was making his student film.
  
• Chevy Chase. No disrespect to Chevy, but I find his character, Pierce, infinitely, infinitely annoying. Infinitely. Like I just want him to shut up when he opens his mouth. I'll give him some props based on the school song set to Tupac's "Changes" at the end of the episode, but honestly I wouldn't mind seeing Pierce get expelled.
  
• The British Guy. I don't know the character's name because we haven't seen him in a while, but his presence feels unnecessary. And unfunny. Save for his scenes with Senor Chang.
  

The Undecided:

• The rapid fire pop culture references. Ok, I know, I know, I should love them, but honestly they're hard to keep up with and this isn't 30 Rock. Case in point: in the opening scene tonight Senor Chang called Annie "Mary Ann," Pierce, "Grandpa," Shirley, "Jackee," Abed, "Kumar," and himself, "Mr. Miyagi." That's references to Gilligan's Island, The Munsters, the mom from Sister, Sister, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and The Karate Kid all in a span of five seconds. That is a shit-ton, yes a shit-ton, of pop culture references. I like them, but I also like not having my brain working on all cylinders watching for and working out pop culture references all episode.
  

Ok so those are my thoughts. Now for some quotes, which were pretty damn funny:

"Well I may be a genius, but I'm not a lesbian."--Pierce. Yup, just yup.

"We are mature. Too mature to sit in a class with a cheating, lying poopface."--Senor Chang

"She stormed out of the room in her high-heeled boots like it was tampon time."--Senor Chang. Woah. He went there.

"You're very confident, I'll say that." "You shouldn't be."--British Guy and Senor Chang to the man taking a shower.

Am I alone here in thinking that tonight was a little off? Please tell me if I'm wrong.

Friday Night Lights: Looking Ahead to the Premiere

Friday Night Lights returns Oct. 28, and Ausiello over at EW.com had a few spoilers for the premiere in his weekly report. Apparently one of the returning characters turns into "an unbelievable douchebag" (his words, not mine.) My bet is that it's J.D., that little punk. Any thoughts?

Thanksgiving Day Parade: NBC Gets Vindictive

So did any of you see this story yesterday about the cast of Glee getting dis-invited from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Apparently NBC didn't feel comfortable featuring the whole cast from a rival network's show. It's too bad, though, since featuring those kids might have actually drummed up a few more viewers for them. Lord knows they need them. Now NBC just seems petty.

Gossip Girl: It's a Nice Day for a Bat Shit Crazy Wedding

I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT. It is impossible for a Gossip Girl episode to be bad when Georgina Sparks is present. I don't know how she does it. It's almost as if she has some kind of crazy magic that she dusts all over the other characters to make them interesting and do interesting things. Either that or she's somehow hypnotizing me with her crazy, making me think this show is good when it isn't. Eh, I don't care, perception is reality in my book. So many different things happened tonight, it's hard to keep them all straight. Let's start with what was good:

• Georgina fucking Sparks. I dare any of you to tell me she wasn't the best thing about this episode. From her ridiculous ploy to get Dan to dump Olivia by blackmailing Vanessa (she's dating Orlando Bloom! She's pregnant! The gesturing was priceless) to her nonchalant reveal of the lovechild to Lily and Rufus, Georgina just exuded an air of "Yeah, I'm bat shit crazy, what of it?" And it worked, amazingly well. I think it's hilarious that she's obsessed with Dan, because only a girl like her would be. We don't see The Boobs fawning all over his lame ass anymore. Also, love the fact that she's getting whisked off to Belarus as part of Blair's revenge against her for ruining the wedding. I can't wait to hear the stories she'll bring back.
• Lily and Rufus got married! Honestly, I've loved Lily and Rufus as a couple ever since she walked into his gallery and asked him why Dan was going on a date with Serena all the way back in Season 1. They have good chemistry, they have history, and they have real love. It makes me happy to see them get their happy ending (no not that kind of happy ending), even if it will be messy and flawed, because, hey, that's the way life works. Also, the fact that Lily didn't even try to wear a white dress at this wedding (which by my count is her 5th or 6th) makes me love her all the more.
• Blair and Serena: Wedding Planners. Those girls threw that wedding together quick. I'm sensing a business opportunity here, especially if they can continue to use Jenny's minions, or "new Mean Girls" as Serena calls them, as slaves, I mean, helpers.
• Vanessa getting what she deserves. The thing she deserves being not attending the actual wedding at the apartment, the one time when it would be acceptable for her to be all up in everybody's business. Serves her right. I still don't understand why she wasn't there, but I'm not going to complain. I bet she was getting coffee, because she hadn't had a cup in like 30 minutes.
  
• Dan thinking Vanessa was in love with him. Because (1) he would, the douche, and (2) she totally is and this will be a plot point at some point in the future.
  
• Blair hating on Bre. Because no one takes Queen B's property. No one.
• The Boobs. Do you even have to ask at this point?
  

Now for what was bad:

• Lovechild appears and disappears faster than you can say "Georgina is crazy." Seriously, we bring the lovechild back as a plot point and then just have him go back off to Boston? That quick? Really? I'm glad Lily was mean to him, he deserves it. At least we don't have to look at his creepy face anymore. Creeper.
  
• Eric and Jenny acting creepy. I guess having their creeper brother around brought out the worst in these two. "He has my nose." "Those are my eyebrows." "Do you like board games?" Say hello the new Wednesday and Pugsley Addams everyone. Creepers.
• Bre and Carter. Because I find them both useless. Ughh, I'm actually kind of happy Bre and Nate broke up, because they were boring and annoying all at the same time. And Carter deserves to get the shit kicked out of him, mostly for never wearing a belt though.
  
• Saying goodbye to Georgina. Because I love her. Here's hoping Mercy gets cancelled and she comes back.
• Sonic Youth. They were creepy looking and freaked me out.
  

And now it's time for quotes, which there are quite a few of, since Georgina's presence made the dialogue that much snappier:

"The toilets in Tokyo talk."--Dan. Please shut the fuck up, Dan, no one cares.

"Trust me, Nate, I know women, and none of them are that nice."--Blair to Nate. Truer words never spoken.

"Why won't he respond to any of my calls, my texts, or my animated e-cards?"--Georgina. Because you're scary, G.

"Get Dan to dump the whore, or I'm going to tell the whole world Scott's secret."--Georgina.

"Some say love is a secret you keep sealed, but to Georgina Sparks, love is always a battlefield."--Gossip Girl. Hah. There were a lot of musical

"Well that was just pathetic. Haven't you ever tried to get someone to dump a celebrity before?"--Georgina to Vanessa

"Why would I tell that future NASCAR mom anything? I hate her and the tractor she rode in on."--Blair. Love her.

"I'm not in love with you, you moron. Georgina's been blackmailing me."--Vanessa to Dan. Because, Dan, no who gets to know you well could possibly love you.

"The only time I want to here 'no' is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite."--Blair. Like I said, I smell a business.

"My family's in investment banking. They're all broke."--One of Jenny's minions.

"What does it mean when someone used to grab your ass but doesn't? It means that someone is a big fat liar."--Georgina. Perceptive, G.

"I nearly choked, she shoved her tongue right down my throat."--Dan. That's because she was trying to suck out your soul.

"Your lovechild. Yeah, not dead. Congratulations, it's a boy."--Georgina to Rufus and Lily. AMAZING.

All in all tonight was a great, great episode, music included. I hope things don't go downhill next week without Georgina, although the preview (the Boobs play poker!) looks promising.

How I Met Your Mother: You Know You're a Sexless Innkeeper When....

Tally ho, good readers! What did we think of this evening's episode? Personally, I have to say better than last week, and best one of the season yet. I was a little worried, because I hate it when Lily and Marshall get weird, but I'm also a sucker for montages, which we had plenty of tonight. That being said, here were the three keys to greatness for tonight's episode:

• Lily and Marshall's Double Date Quest. Never having been in a serious relationship, I cannot relate to Lily and Marshall's desperate need to find a couple to play with. Never having been in a serious relationship, I can totally relate to their frenetic energy and desire to impress, which might make them act a little bit crazy. I love the way Lily overengineered the evening--her and Marshall prepping was akin to a general planning for battle. Additionally, I also loved Barney and Robin totally rejecting their craziness, and the way the rest of the episode played out as a result. Especially the...
  
• The Montages. Honestly, set images to ironic music and I will laugh, laugh, laugh until the cows come home.....or until the montage stops. We got two great montages tonight. The first was a music video Marshall made to commemorate their special evening:

• Wasn't that funny? And creepy? I'd give 51% funny and 49% creepy which is just the right balance for something like this. The second montage, and by far the superior one, was of Robin and Barney dealing with the fact that Lily and Marshall found another couple to hang out with. In fact, most couples around them had found another to hang out with. The only thing left for Robin and Barney to do was wander around aimlessly, wallowing in their couple loneliness and binging on junk food to words of "All By Myself." Yes, that sound you hear is me cackling because this is the funniest thing I've seen all day. PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT. That leaves us with just one key left...
  
• Barney's Lesson of the Week: The Sexless Innkeeper. Apparently a Sexless Innkeeper is someone who you go home with at night who you have no intention of sleeping with. You do it only because you need a place to crash for the night. I enjoyed learning this term because now I know what to call myself. No, I will not tell you the number of times it has happened to me, because I don't like public humiliation. It is a brilliant concept though. Even better was Barney's ode to the Sexless Innkeeper:

All in all, this was pretty great episode, even if the whole Lily-and-Marshall-want-a-couple-to-hang-out-with plot was highly reminiscent of that Season 8 episode of Friends where Chandler and Monica meet a couple on the flight back from their honeymoon that they get way too excited to hang out with. HIMYM is the new (and better) Friends after all. As is my custom, here are your quotes:

"There's still pie."--Lily holding a knife, as a couple tries to escape her apartment.

"It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call."--Barney

"Which is funny because usually it's the innkeeper that offers turndown service. Up top!"--Robin. Nice to see Barney rubbing off on her.

"We're so lovable." "No we're not. We're ugly and gross."--Lily and Marshall, and they eat ice cream. I've been there.

"Cat funeral, cat funeral, it was an accident, and not entirely my fault."--Marshall's song

"You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker."--Lily to Marshall. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. (I know it doesn't really apply.)

"How do we know you two won't hurt us again?"--Lily, in the rain, to Robin and Barney. It was just so funny.

"Dammit, why is there something so attractive about a bad boy...and girl."--Lily, still in the rain, to Robin and Barney.

Mad Men: Brief Meditations on Tonight's Episode

Mad Men is a complex show. Most of the time I do not really understand what is going on. As such, I will just share a few random unrelated thoughts:

• Don is getting careless. Sally's teacher, Don, really? She seems like the types that will go all Fatal Attraction on him. This will end the least well of all of his long-term affairs, and that includes the one that ended in a car crash. Yeah. Bad idea.
• Conrad Hilton is obsessed with Don. See Fatal Attraction comment above about how this storyline will resolve itself.
  
• Did anyone notice that Betty's stationary had a fleur de lis at the top? For those who don't know, the fleur de lis was the symbol of the House of Bourbon, the French dynasty that ruled right up until the French Revolution. Now, as you may recall, Marie Antoinette was the French queen just before the revolution, so I'm wondering here if we're supposed to be drawing a parallel to her. Actually I bet we are, since that fugly couch Betty has in the living room totally seems right of Marie Antoinette's boudoir.
  
• Betty has daddy issues, which is why she wants attention from Henry Francis. That is all I will say there.
• Did Sal go to try to find the guy from Lucky Strike at the end of the episode? Or was he just going to try to pick up someone else?
• I find it very hard to ever take Roger Sterling seriously, and therefore could only laugh when he was trying to yell at Don at the end of the episode.
• My jaw dropped when Betty said, "This whole thing makes me wonder about civil rights, maybe now isn't the right time," right to Carla. That's one of those moments that really makes you appreciate how well grounded the show is in its time period.
  

Anyone else notice anything good?

Clip of the Day: Happy Friday

Because if there's anything that could get me to start Clip of the Day again, it's this. Watch this, smile, and maybe pass it forward. Everyone deserves to be happy on a Friday:

The Office: JIM AND PAM GOT MARRIED! WOO HOO!

That. Was. Fantastic. That was hands down, bar none, the best episode of The Office I've seen in over year. Hands down. For a long time I've thought Jim and Pam are the only good thing about this show, so it makes sense that an episode about their wedding would force everyone to raise their game. Heck, even Michael was acting nice, aside from his ridiculously awkward toast. I love the way he talked to Pam's mom.

I'd also say the rest of the Dunder-Mifflinites brought their A-game as well. Andy rupturing his scrotum (Yes, I really did write that because it really did happen), Kevin losing his shoes because they smelled too bad but gaining a toupee which looked awesome, Dwight going boom boom with a bridesmaid, and, and, and............sorry I was getting overly excited.

Really though, as with so many things from this show, the episode was totally made by Jim and Pam and the wonderful sweetness of their relationship. The running bit about mental pictures was adorable, the scene between the two of them just before the wedding when Jim cut off his tie to cheer up Pam was sweet, but the kicker was the walk down the aisle. Jim's brothers decided to replicate that "Forever" wedding march that made the rounds on YouTube earlier this summer and the entire crowd danced down the aisle and it was amazing. Jim and Pam didn't mind though, because they had run off earlier to get married on one of those Niagra Falls ferries, which we got to see interspersed with the "Forever" dance.

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

High Level Thoughts on Last Night's HIMYM and GG

How I Met Your Mother:

• Barney taking a class on Robin from Ted = hilarious. Ted teaching a class on his ex-girlfriend = a little creepy, but also hilarious.
• Three things that distract Robin = Canucks, Gun Cleaning, and Emperor Penguins = really hilarious
• In general, much better episode than last week, but mostly because the A-plot was stronger and more believable.
  

Gossip Girl:

• This will be no surprise: Tyra Banks is incapable of acting, unless acting requires her to act like herself. "You know no one supports me. Everyone is against me." Bitch please.
• Vanessa seemed less annoying. This could be for one of three reasons: (1) She had no screen time, (2) She didn't have any coffee, or (3) Hilary Duff is significantly more annoying, therefore making Vanessa seem less annoying by comparison.
• Dan is not a real person: movie star is a plus at 18, not a minus. You're not looking to settle down, dude. Man up.
• Serena, a publicist? She is a fame whore, so I can see how that might work.
• Jenny not wanting to be Queen is kind of the like the Hulk, we won't like him when he's angry, and we won't like her when she makes her I-love-being-in-power face.
  
• Blair, just transfer to Columbia, please. If Daddy can afford a chateau in France, he can buy your way into an Ivy. Seriously.
• Lily, it's about time you got back. Rufus was getting creepy without you.
• Good episode, but next week will be better because GEORGINA IS COMING BACK. WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
• Also, to those of you that may have read the story today that the show's creators are planning a threesome for sweeps, just know that I'm reserving judgment until I find out which characters are involved. The boobs, or not the boobs, that is the question.
  

No Posts Tonight

Unless you can get the throbbing pain in my head to go away. Otherwise, look for a GG and a HIMYM recap tomorrow.

Diversity on Television?

I rarely use this space to talk seriously about anything (save for my affection for all things related to the Boobs, which is totally serious and for real.) That being said, a friend of mine did a little data mining to look at the relative dearth of minority leads on the fall schedule. I really hadn't given this much thought, but she's right, there really aren't that many minority characters on network TV these days. What do you all think? Is that bothersome? Discuss.

Gossip Girl: Wait, WTF?

Um, looks like last week's episode was an aberration, because Gossip Girl has returned to its boring, fucking bad ways. Things were not clicking for me at all tonight, from Vanessa completely missing the chance to act like an interesting person to Chuck and Blair making me want to die inside to Georgina totally passing up the opportunity to use the line "I won't be ignored, Dan." (Seriously, why the fuck aren't we getting the Fatal Attraction episode next week? Even The O.C. did one.) I'm digressing. Let's dive into what didn't work this week:

Creepy Scott and The Poorly Resolved Plot. So Creepy Scott was finally, finally found out this week, and by Vanessa nonetheless. (There is a brain under that mop of fake dreads after all!) Creepy Scott asked her to keep his secret until he could talk to his adopted parents, but Vanessa, being the I'm-all-up-in-everybody's-business-all-the-time-because-I-have-no-life-of-my-own beeotch she is, immediately, like IMMEDIATELY runs to tell Dan, but can't tell him because Georgina shows up. Meanwhile, Creepy Scott, who had been creepily spending time with Rufus without telling him anything, decides to go to the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK with Vanessa where he will have the opportunity to tell Rufus the truth. Just when you think the truth is about to come out, Scott's adopted mom shows up and tells him how much she loves him. This leads Scott to (1) tell Rufus that he is not the lovechild, but the lovechild's brother and (2) immediately move back to Boston. Wait, what the fuck? We had to watch this douche for three weeks only to have NOTHING HAPPEN. Bitch, please. Go fuck yourself, show. While leaving, Scott asks Vanessa to keep the secret. Yeah, douchebag, because she'll be as good at that as she is at not drinking coffee. Which is not good at all. Because Vanessa loves two things: coffee and everybody else's business. Fuck.

Relationships I'm Caring Less and Less About Every Week. Ok, Blair and Chuck are really getting on my nerves. For real, y'all. Their chemistry has seemed to completely dry up. Additionally, Chuck's new "I'm in a relationship" personality just makes him seem creepy. Like a Willy-Wonka-wannabe-who-has-escaped-from-the-asylum creepy. (Don't tell me that with all the purple and bow ties the idea has never crossed your mind. I know it has. STOP LYING.) We need to get these people some heat, stat. To be fair, they can still scheme with the best of them, and their plan to split up Carter and Serena was well thought out and well executed. (Fake room service charges and a fake one night stand? Well played.) I bet the scheming got them both really hot and bothered. Why couldn't they have shown us some of that? Speaking of Carter and Serena, here's what I think: they fucking suck. Why Serena continually goes after inaccessible or damaged men is beyond me. Oh wait, it's not, because in case you've been living under a rock for the last three episodes, Serena's daddy didn't love her. So she needs attention and excitement. Yeah, I really don't care. Ughh. I'm not even going to talk about the lack of boobs this week, I'm too depressed. (Side note: I was looking at the traffic sources for this blog, and one hit came from a gentleman who was searching Google for "Serena's boobs." Yeah, I feel justified, whatever.)

Please Don't Tell Me That's The Last We Saw of Georgina. Please? So I thought things were getting good when Blair walked in on Dan and Georgina. I thought things were getting better when Serena gave Dan her blessing to be with Georgina. And I thought things were getting ridiculously better when Dan tried to have the "Let's keep things casual talk." Yeah, it seemed like Georgina had him duped and was just keeping him warm until it was time to use him as her sacrifice to the god who comes. Until the show went and fucked it all up. Apparently Georgina was behind Blair and Chuck's fight over the photograph they were bidding on at the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK, so in retaliation Serena told Dan about it, and Dan told Georgie they should cool things off. And what does Georgina do? FUCKING PACK HER BAG AND GO TO BOSTON. WHAT THE FUCK? THE DESKTOP OF HER COMPUTER WAS A PICTURE OF HER AND DAN. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO GOT FATAL ATTRACTION CRAZY ON HIM. NOT FUCKING GO OFF TO BOSTON WITH THE CREEPER. Fuck. No. I'm pretty sure Georgina's not even in next week's episode. Fuck that.

One Bright Spot. Apparently Carter did something to really fuck over Bre Buckley (you know Nate's new girlfriend. Oh you don't remember who Nate is? Because he's been onscreen for like 5 minutes total? Oh that's too bad.) Now this is the kind of intrigue I've been waiting to see play out.

As is my custom, here are your quotes. Don't be mad at me if they're not as good as last week's. Blame the show:

"I'm wearing a glove and I still want to wash my hands."--Blair, realizing that sock she pulled off the door was the signal that Dan and Georgina were going at it. Yeah.

"Dont think you can run me out of my room with a half naked Dan Humphrey." "Stay, watch, maybe you'll learn something."--Blair and Georgina. I already miss Georgina.

"If you want do Georgina, then more power to you. Just make sure there isn't an ice pick under the bed."--Serena to Dan. Ah, Basic Instinct references.

"I have an MBA from Tuck, I'm not the coat check girl."--Brunette girl. She's lucky, in this economy she might be.

"If you have any feelings for me, you won't say anything yet."--Creepy Scott to Vanessa. Dude, the only thing she has feelings for is being a busybody.

"Pity, I already have my bidding paddle." "Well, I'm sure we can find some other use for it."--Blair and Chuck. Eww and AWESOME all at the same time.

"She stole my shoes."--Chuck about Blair. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds.

"I want you to have this." "Why?" "Because I love you, you enormously stubborn pain in the ass."--Blair and Chuck about the picture. Vomiting now.

"Georgie and I go way back. The girl has an MBA in deviant behavior." --Brunette Girl

"How can you be so sure?" "Because you beleive in me."--Blair and Chuck. Oh wait, NOW I'm vomiting.

I didn't care for tonight's episode. Did you?

Now, there's something I need to tell all of you before I let you go, because you're going to need the full week to prepare yourselves. Tyra Banks will be guest starring on next week's episode. Yes, that's right. You heard me. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US. SHE IS COMING. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. SAVE YOURSELVES.