Gossip Girl: It's a Nice Day for a Bat Shit Crazy Wedding

I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT. It is impossible for a Gossip Girl episode to be bad when Georgina Sparks is present. I don't know how she does it. It's almost as if she has some kind of crazy magic that she dusts all over the other characters to make them interesting and do interesting things. Either that or she's somehow hypnotizing me with her crazy, making me think this show is good when it isn't. Eh, I don't care, perception is reality in my book. So many different things happened tonight, it's hard to keep them all straight. Let's start with what was good:

• Georgina fucking Sparks. I dare any of you to tell me she wasn't the best thing about this episode. From her ridiculous ploy to get Dan to dump Olivia by blackmailing Vanessa (she's dating Orlando Bloom! She's pregnant! The gesturing was priceless) to her nonchalant reveal of the lovechild to Lily and Rufus, Georgina just exuded an air of "Yeah, I'm bat shit crazy, what of it?" And it worked, amazingly well. I think it's hilarious that she's obsessed with Dan, because only a girl like her would be. We don't see The Boobs fawning all over his lame ass anymore. Also, love the fact that she's getting whisked off to Belarus as part of Blair's revenge against her for ruining the wedding. I can't wait to hear the stories she'll bring back.
• Lily and Rufus got married! Honestly, I've loved Lily and Rufus as a couple ever since she walked into his gallery and asked him why Dan was going on a date with Serena all the way back in Season 1. They have good chemistry, they have history, and they have real love. It makes me happy to see them get their happy ending (no not that kind of happy ending), even if it will be messy and flawed, because, hey, that's the way life works. Also, the fact that Lily didn't even try to wear a white dress at this wedding (which by my count is her 5th or 6th) makes me love her all the more.
• Blair and Serena: Wedding Planners. Those girls threw that wedding together quick. I'm sensing a business opportunity here, especially if they can continue to use Jenny's minions, or "new Mean Girls" as Serena calls them, as slaves, I mean, helpers.
• Vanessa getting what she deserves. The thing she deserves being not attending the actual wedding at the apartment, the one time when it would be acceptable for her to be all up in everybody's business. Serves her right. I still don't understand why she wasn't there, but I'm not going to complain. I bet she was getting coffee, because she hadn't had a cup in like 30 minutes.
  
• Dan thinking Vanessa was in love with him. Because (1) he would, the douche, and (2) she totally is and this will be a plot point at some point in the future.
  
• Blair hating on Bre. Because no one takes Queen B's property. No one.
• The Boobs. Do you even have to ask at this point?
  

Now for what was bad:

• Lovechild appears and disappears faster than you can say "Georgina is crazy." Seriously, we bring the lovechild back as a plot point and then just have him go back off to Boston? That quick? Really? I'm glad Lily was mean to him, he deserves it. At least we don't have to look at his creepy face anymore. Creeper.
  
• Eric and Jenny acting creepy. I guess having their creeper brother around brought out the worst in these two. "He has my nose." "Those are my eyebrows." "Do you like board games?" Say hello the new Wednesday and Pugsley Addams everyone. Creepers.
• Bre and Carter. Because I find them both useless. Ughh, I'm actually kind of happy Bre and Nate broke up, because they were boring and annoying all at the same time. And Carter deserves to get the shit kicked out of him, mostly for never wearing a belt though.
  
• Saying goodbye to Georgina. Because I love her. Here's hoping Mercy gets cancelled and she comes back.
• Sonic Youth. They were creepy looking and freaked me out.
  

And now it's time for quotes, which there are quite a few of, since Georgina's presence made the dialogue that much snappier:

"The toilets in Tokyo talk."--Dan. Please shut the fuck up, Dan, no one cares.

"Trust me, Nate, I know women, and none of them are that nice."--Blair to Nate. Truer words never spoken.

"Why won't he respond to any of my calls, my texts, or my animated e-cards?"--Georgina. Because you're scary, G.

"Get Dan to dump the whore, or I'm going to tell the whole world Scott's secret."--Georgina.

"Some say love is a secret you keep sealed, but to Georgina Sparks, love is always a battlefield."--Gossip Girl. Hah. There were a lot of musical

"Well that was just pathetic. Haven't you ever tried to get someone to dump a celebrity before?"--Georgina to Vanessa

"Why would I tell that future NASCAR mom anything? I hate her and the tractor she rode in on."--Blair. Love her.

"I'm not in love with you, you moron. Georgina's been blackmailing me."--Vanessa to Dan. Because, Dan, no who gets to know you well could possibly love you.

"The only time I want to here 'no' is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite."--Blair. Like I said, I smell a business.

"My family's in investment banking. They're all broke."--One of Jenny's minions.

"What does it mean when someone used to grab your ass but doesn't? It means that someone is a big fat liar."--Georgina. Perceptive, G.

"I nearly choked, she shoved her tongue right down my throat."--Dan. That's because she was trying to suck out your soul.

"Your lovechild. Yeah, not dead. Congratulations, it's a boy."--Georgina to Rufus and Lily. AMAZING.

All in all tonight was a great, great episode, music included. I hope things don't go downhill next week without Georgina, although the preview (the Boobs play poker!) looks promising.

Gossip Girl: Wait, WTF?

Um, looks like last week's episode was an aberration, because Gossip Girl has returned to its boring, fucking bad ways. Things were not clicking for me at all tonight, from Vanessa completely missing the chance to act like an interesting person to Chuck and Blair making me want to die inside to Georgina totally passing up the opportunity to use the line "I won't be ignored, Dan." (Seriously, why the fuck aren't we getting the Fatal Attraction episode next week? Even The O.C. did one.) I'm digressing. Let's dive into what didn't work this week:

Creepy Scott and The Poorly Resolved Plot. So Creepy Scott was finally, finally found out this week, and by Vanessa nonetheless. (There is a brain under that mop of fake dreads after all!) Creepy Scott asked her to keep his secret until he could talk to his adopted parents, but Vanessa, being the I'm-all-up-in-everybody's-business-all-the-time-because-I-have-no-life-of-my-own beeotch she is, immediately, like IMMEDIATELY runs to tell Dan, but can't tell him because Georgina shows up. Meanwhile, Creepy Scott, who had been creepily spending time with Rufus without telling him anything, decides to go to the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK with Vanessa where he will have the opportunity to tell Rufus the truth. Just when you think the truth is about to come out, Scott's adopted mom shows up and tells him how much she loves him. This leads Scott to (1) tell Rufus that he is not the lovechild, but the lovechild's brother and (2) immediately move back to Boston. Wait, what the fuck? We had to watch this douche for three weeks only to have NOTHING HAPPEN. Bitch, please. Go fuck yourself, show. While leaving, Scott asks Vanessa to keep the secret. Yeah, douchebag, because she'll be as good at that as she is at not drinking coffee. Which is not good at all. Because Vanessa loves two things: coffee and everybody else's business. Fuck.

Relationships I'm Caring Less and Less About Every Week. Ok, Blair and Chuck are really getting on my nerves. For real, y'all. Their chemistry has seemed to completely dry up. Additionally, Chuck's new "I'm in a relationship" personality just makes him seem creepy. Like a Willy-Wonka-wannabe-who-has-escaped-from-the-asylum creepy. (Don't tell me that with all the purple and bow ties the idea has never crossed your mind. I know it has. STOP LYING.) We need to get these people some heat, stat. To be fair, they can still scheme with the best of them, and their plan to split up Carter and Serena was well thought out and well executed. (Fake room service charges and a fake one night stand? Well played.) I bet the scheming got them both really hot and bothered. Why couldn't they have shown us some of that? Speaking of Carter and Serena, here's what I think: they fucking suck. Why Serena continually goes after inaccessible or damaged men is beyond me. Oh wait, it's not, because in case you've been living under a rock for the last three episodes, Serena's daddy didn't love her. So she needs attention and excitement. Yeah, I really don't care. Ughh. I'm not even going to talk about the lack of boobs this week, I'm too depressed. (Side note: I was looking at the traffic sources for this blog, and one hit came from a gentleman who was searching Google for "Serena's boobs." Yeah, I feel justified, whatever.)

Please Don't Tell Me That's The Last We Saw of Georgina. Please? So I thought things were getting good when Blair walked in on Dan and Georgina. I thought things were getting better when Serena gave Dan her blessing to be with Georgina. And I thought things were getting ridiculously better when Dan tried to have the "Let's keep things casual talk." Yeah, it seemed like Georgina had him duped and was just keeping him warm until it was time to use him as her sacrifice to the god who comes. Until the show went and fucked it all up. Apparently Georgina was behind Blair and Chuck's fight over the photograph they were bidding on at the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK, so in retaliation Serena told Dan about it, and Dan told Georgie they should cool things off. And what does Georgina do? FUCKING PACK HER BAG AND GO TO BOSTON. WHAT THE FUCK? THE DESKTOP OF HER COMPUTER WAS A PICTURE OF HER AND DAN. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO GOT FATAL ATTRACTION CRAZY ON HIM. NOT FUCKING GO OFF TO BOSTON WITH THE CREEPER. Fuck. No. I'm pretty sure Georgina's not even in next week's episode. Fuck that.

One Bright Spot. Apparently Carter did something to really fuck over Bre Buckley (you know Nate's new girlfriend. Oh you don't remember who Nate is? Because he's been onscreen for like 5 minutes total? Oh that's too bad.) Now this is the kind of intrigue I've been waiting to see play out.

As is my custom, here are your quotes. Don't be mad at me if they're not as good as last week's. Blame the show:

"I'm wearing a glove and I still want to wash my hands."--Blair, realizing that sock she pulled off the door was the signal that Dan and Georgina were going at it. Yeah.

"Dont think you can run me out of my room with a half naked Dan Humphrey." "Stay, watch, maybe you'll learn something."--Blair and Georgina. I already miss Georgina.

"If you want do Georgina, then more power to you. Just make sure there isn't an ice pick under the bed."--Serena to Dan. Ah, Basic Instinct references.

"I have an MBA from Tuck, I'm not the coat check girl."--Brunette girl. She's lucky, in this economy she might be.

"If you have any feelings for me, you won't say anything yet."--Creepy Scott to Vanessa. Dude, the only thing she has feelings for is being a busybody.

"Pity, I already have my bidding paddle." "Well, I'm sure we can find some other use for it."--Blair and Chuck. Eww and AWESOME all at the same time.

"She stole my shoes."--Chuck about Blair. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds.

"I want you to have this." "Why?" "Because I love you, you enormously stubborn pain in the ass."--Blair and Chuck about the picture. Vomiting now.

"Georgie and I go way back. The girl has an MBA in deviant behavior." --Brunette Girl

"How can you be so sure?" "Because you beleive in me."--Blair and Chuck. Oh wait, NOW I'm vomiting.

I didn't care for tonight's episode. Did you?

Now, there's something I need to tell all of you before I let you go, because you're going to need the full week to prepare yourselves. Tyra Banks will be guest starring on next week's episode. Yes, that's right. You heard me. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US. SHE IS COMING. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. SAVE YOURSELVES.