Country Roads, Take Me Far Away From Patty Hewes Please

Oh, Lordy, boys and girls, the bitch is back and she's going to be OUT FOR BLOOD. This is what I've been waiting for since the premiere. Bad Patty is back. I was very much tiring of the gentler Patty. It doesn't suit Glenn Close, and it doesn't suit the show. Patty is best when she's given fre reign to be a manipulator. Additionally, I hope to see more courtroom scenes between her and Claire Maddox, because I think their head to head is going to be AMAZING. Ok, so time to answer the questions for this week:

• Why did Purcell kill his wife? So this was the big reveal: he did do it. I don't think any of us are shocked there. Perhaps she goaded him into it? Perhaps she was in the pay of UNR? Perhaps she was having an affair with Sutry (Purcell's boss). Quite frankly, I don't care why he did it. I'm just glad that plot is over.
  
• Why did Purcell burn Patty? Oooh, now this is a good one. Why did he do it? Because he wanted to make sure they didn't come after his daughter too. That's what that first tete-a-tete between he and Patty was supposed to accomplish. But seriously, doesn't he know he's better off siding with Patty? Doesn't he know she will DESTROY him now that he's double crossed her? Especially after she showed some completely uncharacteristic kindness to him by letting him meet Michael. Dude, she is going to cut off your balls and eat them with some fava beans and side of nice chianti and she is GOING TO ENJOY IT. That look on her face at the end said it all. I'm scared y'all.
• Why is this UNR plot starting to feel like a Grisham novel? Or a little like a more sinister version of Erin Brockovich. Small town in a rural state (love West Virginia by the way), some kind of pollution/contamination/corruption, big lawsuit in the offing. It feels a little Runaway Jury + a little Pelican Brief to me. I'd like it to stay a bit fresher personally.
  
• Why in the hell would they cast Darrell Hammond as Sutry's go-to guy? Don't get me wrong, I think he's great---on SNL when he does his impressions. Here he was just a big old distraction. I was waiting for him to break into his McCain impression everytime I saw him. Poor casting choice.
• Who is Ellen getting money from? So we saw a bit more of the frame story tonight: Ellen gets a briefcase full of money from whoever she shoots. So the questions here are pretty basic: Who is it? Why are they giving her money? What does Ellen need money for? You know, just basically what the fuck is supposed to be going on. Again, not to return to my criticism from last week, but this weak frame story is hurting the sho and it's showing in the episodes: at first I thought the season was going to be about getting Purcell off murder charges, but now that's done. We've lost the FBI fake case for Patty, and now she may not even be going up against UNR. Last season it was Frobisher, Frobisher, Frobisher. Let's get some direction and go with it, please.
  
• Are we done with revisiting the 10 year ago period? Now that Michael has met Purcell, I would hope so, but something tells me no. And quite frankly I don't really want to see more scenes of Patty threatening Purcell in the past, because now she can do it in the present. Also, if we're going to the past, let's see the trial where Michael was conceived, or the first case where Patty crossed the line to the darkside, something else besides this. If anything, I think we should go with the second, because I'd love to know how Patty became Patty, because to quote another of my favorite shows "Bitches aren't born their made." (10 points to anyone who guess both the character and the show.)
  

So I think things are finally getting started, but I'm disappointed that it took so many episodes to make it happen. I leave you with two of my favorite Patty quotes from tonight:


"And Ellen, the next time I give you an assignment, just nod your head and get it done."--Patty. To my good friend who will remain nameless in order to remain innocent, who does this remind you of?

"You don't want to pursue this in court." "Why not?" "Because I'll destroy you."--Patty and Purcell. She will, Purcell, SHE FUCKING WILL AND IT WILL BE EPIC. EPIC!

In-Laws Are Such Pains in the Asses

For many people, having in-laws means awkward holidays, hearing stories about your spouse's exes, and long extended visits at your house. For Desmond Hume, it means needing to sneak back into the country because god forbid your crazy ass father in-law finds you because he'll probably try to interrogate you about the crazy ass island you escaped from three years ago because all he wants to do is get back there. Back there you say? Yeah, Widmore was on the island 50 years ago. Even better, WIDMORE WAS AN OTHER. What does that mean? Well, boys and girls, I think that will be our first question for the evening:

1. What are the implications of Widmore being an Other? I know I should have asked "How did Widmore become an Other?", but I'm assuming that will be revealed. Here's what we know. Widmore was on the island once, and reported to ageless other Richard Alpert. Current Widmore only wants to get back to the island. I'm guessing in the intervening time, Widmore does something to get himself banished, either killing one of his own people (we've seen him display quite the penchant for violence), or revealing some secret about the island. It's hard to be sure. I'm also betting the guy gains some knowledge of the future before he leaves (heck, it may even be the thing that gets him thrown off), which is why he's probably so rich in the 2004 time period.
   
2. Where is Faraday's mother? There are three possibilities: (1) Faraday's mother is the woman lying in the bed and Widmore is lying. (2) Faraday's mother is not the woman lying in the bed and Widmore is telling the truth and she's in Los Angeles. (3) Faraday's mother is neither the woman in the bed or in Los Angeles and as such here whereabouts are unknown. If scenario 1 is true, the questions becomes why Widmore would lie to Desmond, which is easy to answer: he either wants him out of the way, like he said, or he's planted a woman in Los Angeles and is going to use Desmond as a way to get back to the island, which kind of seems like something he would do. If scenario 2 is true, then the question is who is the woman in the bed and where did she come from and why are people pretending she is Faraday's mother? In this case, I'm betting they are part of the same group as Crazy Old White Haired Lady, a.k.a. Mrs. Hawking. The question then becomes why would they try to pretend she is Faraday's mom, to which I do not yet have a good answer. If scenario 3 is true, then why are both groups lying and where is the real Mrs. Faraday? What does she know that would force her to need to disappear? Is she even alive? And why would both groups pretend she is? I still have a sneaking feeling that Faraday is somehow related to Mrs. Hawking, even if he isn't her son. Additionally, what made Desmond think that the people at the house were lying? Did I miss something? Also, WHY WOULD DESMOND GO STRAIGHT TO WIDMORE AFTER PENNY TOLD HIM TO AVOID HIM? Thankfully Desmond did not mention the child.
   
3. Why does the 1954 version of Alpert not know Locke? The other version of Alpert did seem to know him last week, although we do know that that time period was much later on than this one. (Btw, it's getting really hard to keep the "this" and "that" straight with all of the time changes.) We know that Jacob is some kind of god/prophet to the Others, but why? And why does Alpert take Locke at his word? The other interesting thing here is that we may have just seen Locke create his own time loop, since he tells Alpert to visit him as a child after he's born, which we know he does. Which JUST REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING: Alpert forced young Locke to pick between a few items when he visits him as child (Season 4 episode "Cabin Fever"). The compass, which Alpert gave him last week and Locke gave back to him this week, is one of the items (Lostpedia just confirmed that for me). When Alpert visited young John, he asked him to pick up the item that was already his, which I thought was a weird question at the time, but now makes more sense, since Alpert is just giving Locke back his own compass again. I have a feeling these compass exchanges are going to happen more often. What does the compass mean though? Where did it come from? And is Locke the one telling Alpert to test his young self? I have soooooo many more questions now.
   
4. How did the US Army find the island? I thought the island had protections against detection. I'd imagine that the Army would have carefully selected it's test site for the H-bomb and would have made sure to know where it was. Additionally, does anyone else think that perhaps leaked energy from the H-bomb gives the island some of its unique characteristics? Or maybe even it's the reason the women can't carry babies to full term? (The children are dying of radiation posioning in utero).
   
5. Why do the Others have to learn Latin? I don't buy the answer Juliet gave, but I bet it totally has something to with Alpert and how old he is. I know the show has entered time travel sci-fi land, but what if perhaps there's also a fantasy element as well and Alpert is actually some deity from Mount Olympus banished to live among the people. Or he could be some kind of long-lived alien here to shepherd the human race along (similar to the First Ones in Babylon 5--yes I watched it, and not you can't judge me) by teaching small groups of them, and he makes them all learn Latin since it's the best thing he thinks they can know. Juliet did call it Others 101 after all. I'm a little hesitant to believe my own alien hypothesis because the show seems so Earth and Island centric, but who knows?
6. Why is Faraday all of the sudden the new Jack? I don't like him being a main character. He's a little annoying. And if he did do some crazy thing to some girl at Oxford like that janitor (who may not even actually be a janitor, but instead part of the Widmore-Hawking conspiracy) said, then I certainly don't like him. Even more, I don't trust him. I want to see more of what's in his journal, because I think he knows way more about what's going on than he is letting on.
7. Why did Penny and Desmond name the baby Charlie? Well this is an easy one---because of poor, dearly departed Charlie--but it does give me the opportunity to talk about how much I love Penny and Desmond. I love that she totally knew he was lying at the end and that the easiest thing to do would just be to have them do it together. Thank you, show, for giving us more of them.
8. Where did the next jump take us? Well I guess we're all just going to have to tune in next week to find out, won't we? And with that I leave you.
   

Curiouser and Curiouser

First off, let me apologize for the delay in posts. Work has been crazy and I'm only just getting things back together now. Ok, so Damages. Things are slowly starting to come together, but I still have no idea where we're headed, probably because the frame story, which was absent tonight, is much less clear than it was last season (Ellen threatening someone in a chair versus Ellen having a dead fiancee----see what I mean?). Since things are still unclear I'm going to continue with my question and answer format:

1. Why is the FBI backing off? Well on the surface this seems like an easy one: They want to make sure Ellen hasn't blown her cover. Little do they realize that Patty has recreated 1984 in her offices. I just hope these agents are clean and aren't actually in someone else's pocket, or--even worse--in Patty's pocket as part of some elaborate scheme to ensure Ellen is loyal. I know that is a little far-fetched, but this is Patty Hewes we're talking about.
   
2. Why is Ellen so stupid? The FBI tells her Patty may know something, so back off, and what does Ellen do? (1) She uses the office computer to look up the connection between Patty and Purcell. I'm sorry, but if the woman has the office bugged, I'll bet she has some kind of keystroke tracking program installed on all of the computers. (2) She blatantly looks through old office files. Yeah, that's a good idea. (3) She calls the FBI from her Blackberry in her hotel room. Um, Ellen, if you really think Patty tried to have you killed why wouldn't she bug your hotel room as well? (4) SHE ASKS TOM POINT BLANK ABOUT PATTY AND PURCELL. Yeah, Ellen, asks Patty's lapdog questions about her personal life (And you've got to love Tom's response: "If Patty wanted us to know, she'd tell us." Grow a pair, dude.) (5) When Tom won't give her an answer, SHE ASKS PATTY. Which leads to my next point.
3. Why is Glenn Close such a good/scary actress? Go back and watch the scene where Ellen asks Patty about Purcell and Patty responds with "What are you implying Ellen?" Now slow it down and look at each of their eyes. Patty asks the question with what can only be called a look of glee, like a lion toying with it's prey before going in for the kill. Then we have Ellen, who is all wide-eyed like she's in over her head. I'm not sure if this was Rose Byrne acting or Rose Byrne being wide-eyed because she's just in awe of Glenn Close. It was kind of amazing.
4. Why is Patty opening up to Ellen? Patty, you tried to have her killed, play your cards a little bit closer to the vest. Unless this is some sort of calculated misdirection, which I totally would not put past Patty. And if that's the case, it seems to be working, because why would Ellen want the FBI to go back to a case that happened before Patty even had her own firm. I doubt she would have started her deviousness that early.
   
5. Why reveal now that Purcell is Michael's father? I'm guessing Michael is going to find this out later in the season, which will lead him to reveal some choice information about Patty in retaliation.
   
6. What is Purcell's relationship to the reported is West Virginia? No idea.
7. Did Purcell kill his wife? I think yes, or at the very least he paid to have her killed. She must have found something out about his dealings with Ultima National Resoures. What I do not know.
   
8. When did Purcell and Claire Maddox start their affair? I'd just like to know the context, that's all.
   

So that's it for my questions this week. I'll leave you with some quotes:

"Don't manage me......I'm not a goddamn child." "Then stop acting like one. Now shut your mouth and do as I say."---Purcell and Patty. You better listen to her, Purcell, if you know what's good for you.

"Have you ever met Daniel Purcell?" "Once or twice."--Purcell's boss and Claire Maddox. Oh yeah, she's "met" him all right.

"I don't believe a word you say."--Patty to Purcell. Pot calling the kettle black much?

So, I Have No Idea What Just Happened, And Quite Frankly I Don't Care. THAT WAS AWESOME!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ladies and Gentlemen, LOST! IS! BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What does that mean? I have no fucking clue. What is here really? Or there? Or now? Is now actually happening now? Or has it already happened and we're just experiencing it again? Do you have no idea what I'm talking about? Don't worry, neither do I. For my LOST posts, I'm going not even going to try to recount the things that pass in the episode because it would just be way too hard. Instead, I will ask and then try to answer a few key questions each week. Let's begin.

1. We are now firmly in the land of time-travel, so what the fuck does that mean? Ok, so let me first try to summarize what Faraday said. Time cannot be changed: people can move back and forth through time, but things will always play out the way they are supposed to. This sort of flies in the face of a lot of the comic book sci-fi stuff which has a lot of alternate universes, etc., but it does stay pretty true to the show (see the Charlie dies plotline for more information), so I'm ok with that. One thing that really confuses me though: if the island is jumping around in time, how can Locke be dead? Because conjecture would hold that there will be points in time where dead Locke coexsits with live Locke on the island. Also, how do we measure time for the individuals who are still there? It's not really linear since they will keep jumping from time period to time period, but it probably seems linear to them, since their memories will stay intact. Does that mean we're operating on two different timelines, one for the world of the show and one for the characters of the show? I think yes, which also adds so many layers of complexity I can't see straight.
   
2. Ok so if there's time travel, why are only some characters affected and not others? Again, I have no idea. The Others don't seem to have been affected, but the 815ers and the Freighter Folk do. But where did the Others go? And why aren't they affected? We'll have to revisit this one.
3. Who else liked all the references to past events in the show's history? I'm talking specifically about the drug filled plane (a Season 1-2 plot point), the Expose TV show (remember Nikki and Paulo from Season 3?), the Hatch intact and crazy Desmond, and probably a bunch of other stuff I can't remember right now. It was a nice touch. Oh, and also so happy to see Dr. Marvin Candle again, that crazy old coot.
   
4. Why do they have to go back? Obvious question, no good answer.
5. What happened between Ben and Sayid? Sayid was working for him, but not anymore. Why?
6. Is Mrs. Hawking, the old lady with white hair, Faraday's mother? I say yes.
7. Who hired those lawyers to find out about Aaron's paternity (or in this case maternity I guess)? I see one of two possibilities: Sun to try to get Kate to join her on her quest to destroy Ben, or Widmore to try to get Kate to reveal the location of the island.
8. Does the time warp have anything to do with the sky going purple (end of Season 2)? I'm going to guess yes, although I have no clue why.

So those are all of the questions I have off the top of my head. Does anyone else out there have any that I might be able to answer for you?

"That's What She Said" Moment of the Night

"Let's both go down,"--New judge Kara DioGuardi to crazy old judge Paula Abdul on American Idol after trying to give a male contestant a critique. Michael Scott would be proud.

Where Are All The Good Singers?

They promised less of a focus on the bad singers this time around, but tonight's episode seemed to heavily focus on the bad/marginally good who won't make it past the next round, to the extent that they lumped three actually good singers together in a montage that lasted less than one minute. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. Shame on you, American Idol, shame.

So Can We Talk About All The Reasons Why This Show is Awesome?

Carter Bays (HIMYM's exec producer for those you who don't know), get out of my head. While I enjoy watching my life on TV, it's starting to get a little creepy. Case in point: Ted and Barney's little discussion about buying a bar. Not only have I had that conversation many, many times, I actually just told an interviewer that my life's dream is to open a bar/restaurant. So yeah.

Seriously though, I don't understand how this show hasn't been nominated for a Best Comedy Emmy yet. Yeah sure, it's not edgy like those cable comedies, or super smart like 30 Rock, but this show is consistently funny, week in and week out, and has built a wonderfully consistent internal world (I'm still waiting for the next slap and the appearance of the goat). The ratings have been up significantly this season, and I can only hope that the awards will follow.

Ok, so back to tonight's episode. The backdrop: a 3-day blizzard. Ted and Barney try to keep McClaren's open so they can meet up with two college girls from Arizona Tech (Barney needs to complete his bingo card, and yes, it's THAT kind of bingo) who are in a band. The girls show up, and bring their bandmates with them. Oh, bt-dubs, they're in a marching band, so Ted and Barney have a little bit of a problem on their hands. Yada, yada, yada, they invite everyone back upstairs, and Barney gets his bingo.

Meanwhile, Lily and Marshall are trying to put an end to one of their relationships rituals--picking each other up from the airport and bringing a six-pack of beer with them--since the relationship has "matured." (Sidenote: I get that the way they said "matured" was supposed to be a joke, but it's really fucking annoying.) Except that neither of them can do it because they think it will mean the end of their relationship, in that really, really sweet, makes you want to vomit a little bit but is still really nice kind of way. Marshall makes Robin drive him to the airport, which allows us to see a nice conversation between Marshall and Robin about how she expresses love, which I think is laying the groundwork in a very subtle way for her getting together with Barney. Lily, on the other hand, uses favorite cab driver Rajit to go to a liquor store to get beer. Both get to the airport, but seemed to have missed each other. Why you ask? It all goes back to the 3-day blizzard. The Robin/Marshall story happened on Tuesday (Marshall realizes he missed a call from Lily saying her flight had been canceled and she wouldn't be back until two days later), the Ted/Barney plot happened on Wednesday (Marshall went to the party), and the Lily plot occurred on Thursday, which was really fortunate since it allowed Marshall to use the marching band he met the night before to greet Lily at the airport. Seriously, I'm such a sucker for such corny sentimentality. I loved how Marshall wondered if he was going to have to this every time now and Lily, with tears in her eyes, immediately went "Yup, yup, yup." Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. More, more, more of this show please.

Question: Does Anyone Out There Actually WANT To Go To Yale? Didn't Think So

For those of you out there whom I'm about to offend, I apologize. Let me preface my remarks with this: I went to Harvard. I always wanted to go to Harvard and never ever wanted to go anywhere else. In case you didn't know, Harvard is, has been, and will always be the best school in the universe for ever and ever. Therefore I find it hard to believe, nay, I refuse to believe that no one from Constance/St. Judes wants to go to Harvard and that they all want to go to Yale. I could enumerate the vast number of ways Harvard is superior to Yale (it's located in a safer city, it has a better sports teams--to the extent that sports matter at an Ivy League school, it's campus is prettier, it's older, it has more money, etc., etc., etc.), but I won't, because then I'll be accused of being a Harvard snob (which btw, I probably am). These kids go to prep school, they have to know to this. Especially Blair, who is always overly concerned with being on top and being the best at everything. Why would she go to a school where her already large inferiority complex will just be aggravated over and over and over again and again and again?

This is not the only grossly unrealistic thing that bothered me. Blair only applied to one school? As if. No high school guidance counselor with half a brain (and I'm sure the one at Constance is top notch) would ever let someone apply to only one school without at the very least notifying said individuals parents. Also, the dean wanted to issue a press release? Serena is a socialite not a celebrity. No one is gonna care if some pretty rich girl with the most perfect boobs in the world gets in the best safety school on the planet, not unless she's being constantly hounded by paparazzi, which she's not. Also, the woman who called to ask for the press release? The dean's assistant is not an old woman from the 19th century who talks like Henry Higgins. Please. Also, Blair's acceptance gets "put on hold" until she completes "detention" because of "a prank on a teacher?" First, colleges only fuck with your acceptance if you do something really bad (there was this girl who supposed to be in my class at Harvard but got her acceptance rescinded for plagarizing all these articles she wrote for her high school newspaper and then lying about them). Second, why would Headmistress Kweller call Yale to tell them about said prank? Wouldn't that hurt the school's standing in Yale's eyes? Third, that new teacher was really dumb to run and tell the Headmistress at all, given Blair's declaration of war at the end of the episode. She should have tried to handle it herself. Now she's going to have her secret relationship with Dan Humphrey revealed in the next 4 episodes. (Come on, you know that's where this is headed what with S and D on the outs because of Lilfus.)

More unrealistic things, the reconciliation between Lily and Chuck. Chuck wants to take down Uncle Jack and goes to Lily for help and they bond over all of Chuck's failed plans (underage transexual hookers with anthrax cocaine). Eventually Lily realizes that the way to get rid of Uncle J is to adopt Chuck, since Bart's will only specifies that Chuck's legal guardian run the company, not necessarily Uncle J. Lily is able to have the papers faxed over to the opera, and signed during intermission, which leaves just enough time for Uncle J to try to sexually assault Lily on a coke high. Chuck of course saves the day, and then goes to Lily the next day and tells he would like to move back in. In return, Lily says she will give him the company on his 18th birthday. Next week: Lily tucks Chuck into bed and reads him a bedtime story. Ok, maybe not.

As for the rest of the stuff: Lilfus trying to make their relationship work as they straddle two worlds (been there, done that, let's see the secret child return please, although watching Rufus learn about opera was hilarious), Nate and Vanessa not having problems in their boring ass relationship besides some old lady hocking spit next to them at the opera (I hate them both), and SERENA'S BOOBS, did you see them at the opera? They are just so wonderfully distracting. Also, Nelly Yuki is turning into a real bitch and I like it (she told everyone Blair got wait listed). Also, it was nice to see the gay dads again, but the Yale theme breakfast made my stomach turn, for already disclosed reasons. Ok, that's all I've got for you this week.

Clip of the Day: The Purge

Because Ben is a bad, bad man:

I Thought I Warned You, Shonda Rhimes, I Thought I Warned You

So first off, let me say that I thoroughly enjoyed (with a few exceptions that I will get to later) this episode. I'm very pleased with the developments in the Mer/Der, Cristina/Dr. Major Hunt, and Slexie relationships, as well as the screen time and plot devoted to Dr. Bailey. There is one thing I did not enjoy, but since there was far less of it this week than last, I will consider that a small victory. So diving in:

Let's start with the Mer/Der plot, since I found this one by far the most enjoyable. Derek's mommy was coming to Seattle, and of course Mer was freaking out, since as she said a very long time ago, "We don't do well with mothers here." (Really not a surprise what with the tequila, and the sleeping with inappropriate men/women, and the self-destructive tendencies. It's amazing that no one has tried to create a reality show about the interns and residents of Seattle Grace.) Apparently Mer's trying to get ready to meet the Mommy involves her sitting in a chair, drinking (of course), and letting She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (I'm abandoning the other name I've given her until certain elements of her storyline are resolved) do the cleaning and the prepping, because mother's love people like She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, to which I say, yeah sure they do, because they put on that one, seemingly normal, happy, beautiful face to the public and then have another, super psycho, "It puts the lotion on because it's told to" face just for you which no one will ever believe is true and thus keeps you trapped forever and ever in your own personal hell until you become more crazy than she is.

I'm digressing. Back to Derek's Mommy, played by Tyne Daly, who is really pretty awesome. I loved the way she was able to get to everyone in the way that only a mother can. Also, totally loved her interactions with Sloan and Lexie. Mark really is like another one of her kids (which is the only explanation for why she still speaks to him after breaking up her son's marriage), and the way she grilled Lexie is totally something a mother would do. Also, Mom if by some chance you've found this blog and are reading it, please don't ask whatever girl I bring home to meet you how many sexual partners she's had, ok? Thanks. Anyway, Mer thinks the best way to impress Derek's Mommy is to act like the opposite of herself, which means smiling and wearing a ponytail. But given all of the drama surrounding Serial Killer, Mer decides to come clean and tell Derek's Mommy how crazy she is. Which apparently Mommy totally approves of, as evidenced by her giving Derek the family ring to give to Meredith, because Derek needs her since he "sees things in black and white, and Meredith doesn't." Thank god, Mommy didn't say shades of Grey, because that really, really would have been too much and I was totally waiting for it. I will say though that this sudden appearance of a ring during a plotline where Mer and Der are disagreeing a bit scares me, since their history would suggest that they will break up again soon because of it. I hope I'm wrong, but keep your eyes open for suspiciousness surrounding this ring, ok?

Moving on to Dr. Major Hunt and Yang, I'm really liking where this is going. Hunt is a big old mess (he hasn't been on a date since before he went to Iraq) and Cristina needs someone who will not expect her to be perfect, like Burke did. I also think having Hunt around will accelerate her detente with Meredith, since Cristina spoke to her for the first time since last week's "You're not a natural surgeon, BITCH" comment. I thought that scene at the end in the shower was touching, but I can't help but wonder how much longer Cristina will go on with this without sex. I'm just saying, we know how she can get.

As for Slexie, I have a couple of questions (most to do with Lexie). (1) When did she move into Meredith's attic? Did I miss that? (2) Are she and Meredith on speaking terms now? Lex was standing with Mer when She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was giving her advice. Can someone please tell me if I missed something? (3) If Mark doesn't want anyone to find out that they're sleeping together, why would he go to the house where EVERYONE ELSE HE KNOWS lives? Actually, scratch that, we all know why he went there. I'm looking forward to when this relationship comes out into the open, since I think Derek's Mommy was right and that she's a good match for him.

Now as for Bailey and the medical plots, I'm gonna say I'm a little worried about her. She seems to be losing it because of this patient, which also seems a little weird, because don't we all remember the speeches she gave She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named over and over and over and over and over and over again about not getting emotionally involved with patients? This seems a little bit like a case of the scalpel calling the clamps a surgical instrument, don't you think? I'm willing to put those feelings aside, though, because perhaps this will be the plot that finally, finally will get her the Emmy she deserves. Also, I'm really interested to see how the Serial Killer wanting to give up his organs for the kid plays out, since the the previews for next week make it look like not well.

Ok, so it's time for my weekly rant. Here we go:
HE'S STILL FUCKING HERE. AND MAKING JOKES ABOUT WHY IT'S GOOD TO DATE A DEAD GUY. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS NOW, AND SHE STILL HASN'T SEEN A SHRINK. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARE A DOCTOR AND YOU SHOULD THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU. ALEX WANTS TO TAKE YOU TO MEET HIS MOTHER. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ALSO, DENNY, FUCKING DEAD AS A DOORNAIL DOUCHEBAG DENNY, SHE FUCKING BROKE UP WITH YOU, PLEASE FUCKING DISAPPEAR. BUT YOU WON'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE SOME FUCKING CREEPY DEAD STALKER. THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE THIS IS GREY'S ANATOMY. ADDITIONALLY, STEVE FUCKING MCPHERSON, PRESIDENT OF ABC, HOW DARE YOU DEFEND THIS IDIOCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would go on, but since relatively little screen time was given over to this crap this week, I think it's best not to rile myself up too much.

Two last points, before I go: more Callie and Mark time please. I would definitely watch a spin-off that featured these two, because I think their friendship is good and relatable. Second, did we really need to introduce a new doctor for this transplant storyline? It seems like there are plenty of other docs capable of performing transplants in the hospital that we have already seen. New doc is going to disappear at the end of this storyline anyway, so what was the point? Think about that while you read these quotes:



"You're wearing an alarmingly high ponytail." "You're mother is coming." --Mer and Der. Because those are on the same scale.

"Am I hallucinating, or is that a really high ponytail?"--Serial killer to Mer. It's bad when the SK notices it too.

"That ponytail.....looks ridiculous."--Cristina to Mer. Since Mer takes it out after this, we now know that Cristina's opinion is the only one that will ever matter to her ever.

"You, you're squirrelly. I don't trust you. I don't trust in this hospital and I certainly don't trust you with my patient of three years who's extremely important. If you want to stay on this case, you will stay out of my way, you will do what I tell you, nad if you have something to say to or about my patient you will raise your hand and wait to be called on."--Bailey to Sadie. Thank you for saying what we all think.

"Dr. Yang would you mind checking in some of my post ops, ERs, and traumas? Also would you like to go on a date with me?"--Dr. Major Hunt. Very efficient, I say.

"You sleep with me, you lunch with me. New rule."--Lexie to Sloan. Of course she gets to make the rules.

"Are you a good girl? I don't mean perfect, I mean relatively speaking."--Derek's mommy to Lexie.

"She's 24." "You have the emotional maturity of a horny 15 year old. You need young."--Sloan and Derek's mommy. Truer words were never spoken.

Clip of the Day: And So It Begins

Because you must remember where you came from to understand where you're going:

Clip of the Day: "Because, You Have Work to Do"

Because WTF?!!!!!:

Clip of the Day: System Failure

Because I'd still like to know (1) why this happened and (2) what it means for the physics of the show:

Alert, Alert: No New Posts Today or Tomorrow

I know I said I wouldn't leave you guys hanging again, which is why I'm telling you now: I'm going out of town this afternoon and won't be back until Saturday. Therefore I will not be able to post about Grey's (which may be good for my psyche), The Office, 30 Rock or the return of Friday Night Lights until Sunday. I apologize for the delay, but if the trip goes well I think I just might have some good news to share with all of you. Oh, and Clip of the Day should be set to go while I'm gone, so if you're looking for a LOST fix, check back here.

Um, Do We Really Need a Gossip Girl Spinoff?

We all know I love me some GG. There are few others shows on TV that make me so unabashedly happy (LOST and Friday Night Lights fall in this category as well), so the fact that I think a spin-off is not the greatest idea in the world shocks even me.

The spin-off is supposedly going to be Lily's coming of age story out in California, and possibly potentially how she fell in love with Rufus, to which I say: LILY IS FROM CALIFORNIA? I'm sorry, I thought Grandma CeCe was East Coast old money, what with her house in the Hamptons and her penchant for gin. Additionally, are we really going to have another story about a California teenager trying to straddle two different world? Didn't that not work out so well for you, Josh Schwartz, the last time you tried it? Now I know that while this one is supposed to be set in the '80s, I smell a derivative premise. I'd much rather Schwartz and his partner Stephanie Savage stick with making GG all it can be, rather than diverting their efforts to a show no one asked for or really would like to see. Because when GG is good, we get things like this:

Clip of the Day: "They're All Dead"

Because, well, I'm still not sure how the fuck they managed that, but then again I'm not sure I'm ready to either:

"I Think Anyone is Capable of Anything"

I'm going to preface this post with the fact that I went to happy hour and had a very happy two hours. Therefore there are no quotes this time around (save for the title of this post, which came from Patty), as it was hard enough for me to just follow what was going on. As this was the second episode of the season, we've now been introduced to all the major players (I think) for the episodes going forward, so this episode laid a good amount of groundwork for what will come next. As such, I have A LOT of questions, which I will also attempt to provide answers to:

1. What is the relationship between Patty and Purcell? I'm very interested into why she's feels like she must help him. He did say that she owed him. But why? At first I thought he was the father of Patty's dead daughter Julia, but after seeing Patty's reaction to her son showing up at the office and crossing paths with Purcell, I'm tempted to say that Purcell's is actually Michael's father. After all, we knew last season that Patty's husband Phil was only stepfather to Michael, even though Michael considers him to be his real father, which makes me think that Michael has never known his biological father. So if I'm right and Purcell is Michael's biological father, then why doesn't Michael know, and why has Patty kept him away?
2. What is Timothy Olyphant's deal? (And on a different note what is his character's name? I still haven't caught it.) He is obviously obsessed with Frobie, given his closet full of guns and articles about Frobie. This also implies to me that Timothy Olyphant HAS ALWAYS known who Ellen was and what her relationship was to Frobie. I find it hard to believe that their connection is coincidence, that he just happened to be in the same grief group as her. Like Patty said, "Someone's always looking to play an angle." If this dude is using Ellen to somehow get at Frobie, I think he's in for a rude awakening. Which leads me to my next point.
   
3. Who's in the chair? I'm going to stick with my guess of Timothy Olyphant, and here's why: in the future plot, Ellen gets Tom to get a gun for her. Why? Because she needs to kill someone, which we do see. We also see Ellen sleeping with Timothy Olyphant, engaging in what seems like a casual relationship ("Don't be here when I get back.") I'm sorry, but I don't think Ellen Parsons, vengeful, focused Ellen Parsons, would be sleeping with someone so soon after David's death. Unless of course it gets her one step closer to her goal of destroying Patty. Why would Timothy Olyphant do that? Because he's been in Patty's pay all along, getting her information about Frobisher because he hates him for some reason (not sure why) and after the case ended, he someone remained in Patty's service and is now the mechanism Patty is using to keep tabs on Ellen. I think this explains why he showed up in the middle of the night to talk to Ellen. Also, I think Ellen will soon figure this out and use her sex to lull him into a false sense of security, before interogating him for information about Patty before ultimately killing him. I kind of hope I'm wrong, because I'd hate to have figured everything out so early.
   
4. What's the relationship between Patty and Claire Maddox (played by the incomparable Marcia Gay Harden)? So we know Patty and Purcell have a history, and--based on that last scene--Maddox and Purcell have a history. Therefore, it's not implausable that Patty and Maddox have some kind of history. It's too early to say what it is, but I do think it exists.
5. What does the FBI do now? Patty doesn't want the infant mortality case, and was able to stop Tom from doing anything stupid that would have allowed the FBI to get to him (only because Patty has the office bugged, which "duh" of course she does, she's Patty). Do they try to go in through the Ultima case. Or is this merely a sideline challenge for Ellen which will somehow tech her what she needs to know to take down Patty during Season 3 (which FX is already on board for, so you know the producers are thinking about it). I don't have a good answer to it yet, but I suspect one will come soon.
6. What was Purcell burning? Given the color and texture of the shots in that last sequence, I'm assuming it's the future, but someone please correct me if I'm wrong. This is another one that will go unanswered, but that I'm sure we'll find the answer to soon.
   

So I'm going to stop there. Does anyone else have questions I failed to address, or answers to the ones I couldn't? I'm all ears. Also, I came across this link which will let you download the show's theme song, "When I'm Through With You" by The VLA. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Clip of the Day: "Where Are We?"

Because I've decided that I'm just doing LOST clips until the premiere next week. If you're not a LOST fan, well then too bad for you:

Trying So Hard Not To Get Sucked In And Failing

So........American Idol is back. I know I usually look down on reality shows within this space, but American Idol isn't really a reality show; it's more of a cultural juggernaut which is impossible to escape. It's (supposedly) the American dream encapsulated and played out over a 4 month period. And try as I might to avoid it, I always, ALWAYS, get sucked in. Therefore, I'm acknowldging here and now that American Idol is back. And I don't just mean back on the air. I mean BACK back. I think we're going to get back to what the show is supposed to be about--finding good singers--and here's a couple of reasons why:

• First and foremost, new judge Kara DioGuardi. She's added some new life to the judges panel and it's nice to hear a fresh perspective. I also like how she seems to appreciate contestants who have worked at their music, even if they're not good. If you have a passion, go for it. Also, I love, love, love how she got up and called that girl in the bikini a bitch. Paula, Randy, and Simon would never have done that. I can't wait to see how they interact during Hollywood week.
  
• I like the renewed focus on good contestants and their backstories, even if they dragged on a little bit. Even though they had started making those changes last summer, I think it will prove a very wise move. Given the current state of the economy, the American public does on some level need some form of entertainment to give them hope, to prove that if you work hard and really believe your dreams will come true (which was kind of the new judge's message). I'm very interested to see what the ratings for tonight's premiere look like. I suspect at the very least the show will not see the year-over-year declines most shows have been experiencing. Also, I loved that they ended with the blind guy instead of some terrible singer. I hope dude gets to the final 12, he seems awesome.
  
• Ok so this is nothing really new, but Paula Abdul is bat shit crazy. All I had to do was see her seal clap just once to remember how happy her crazy talk makes me. I can't wait for her to say how much she loves smelling the colors of the song as it moves her closer to her Coke cup full of magic juice. I just hope her and new judge Kara go at it at some point because it will be FUNNY.
  

I'm not going to go into too many other specific details, and I'm probably not going to cover every single episode of the show, but I will check back in on it from time to time to let you all know my thoughts. Here's hoping that this season's bunch can live up to the heightened expectations. (And also, if any of you know how to get in touch with Brooke White, could you tell her I would really, really like it if she could come give me a hug, tell me everything is going to be ok, and then sing me to sleep? I'd really appreciate it, thanks.)

Clip of the Day: Soon, My Friends, Very Soon

Because that crazy Doc Jensen over at EW.com has restarted his weekly Lost columns, which has got me all different kinds of excited. Big spoiler warnings attached to this one if you're behind on the show:

Someone's Always Going to Get Hurt

How I Met Your Mother is the source of all knowledge for twentysomethings. If you ever are in a situation and you are unsure of what to do, go to HIMYM. "Should I take that new job?" "Should I invest in real estate?" "Am I ready to get married?" "Is it ok to do number 2 in the office?" HIMYM can and does answer these important questions on weekly basis.

Tonight's important question: "Can two exes ever just keep it casual?" We know that the answer is no, because feelings will always invariably get in the way, although HIMYM puts a nice twist on it. To avoid fights in their apartment, Robin and Ted decide to just start having sex. A bit of a non sequitur? Yes, but I'm not complaining. Marshall catches them, which means everyone eventually finds out, including Barney, who begins to buy TVs to smash up in alleys rather than admit that he loves Robin. Why did Marshall catch them? Because he came over to the apartment to drop a deuce, go poopie, take a crap, or as he euphemistically calls it, "read a magazine." Now I have to say I loved this read a magazine plot because for a long time I was afraid to use the bathroom for a prolonged period of time at work, until I realized that it was the best excuse for taking a 15 minute break without having anyone ask questions. Also, I loved the magazine covers yelling at Marshall, even Speidi whom I hate, because they were actually a little bit funny, although I think the Kim Kardashian one quoting Shakespeare was priceless. I can only wonder how many takes it took for her to get those lines right. Anyway, back to Ted and Robin and Barney. Instead of admitting his feelings, like Lily suggested, Barney decides to clean Ted's apartment to prevent any further arguments between Ted and Robin and thus any further sex. Ted, understanding that no man would ever clean another man's apartment, realizes that Barney must have feelings for Robin, and even though Barney won't admit them, Ted ends the arrangement. Barney on the other hand, after learning that Marshall finally worked up the courage to "read a magazine" on his own floor of the office, decides to go tell Ted the truth, but instead comes across Robin, who obliviously tells Barney how great it is that he can separate the physical from the emotional, unlike Ted and then asks him to go for tacos. My heart broke for Barney in this scene, because the moment you realize the girl of your affection does not look at you that way, nor will she be likely to in the future, is a painful moment indeed. I mean he could tell her how he feels, but she'd probably just give him that "I think we should just be friends line," which hurts even more, although it is better in the long run. Moving on, I wonder how long it is before Robin finds out how Barney feels. Because now that Ted knows, and Lily knows, it's only a matter of time before Marshall knows, and that dude cannot keep his mouth shut. All in all, this was a great post holiday episode and I'm thrilled to have the show back. And I'm also very happy that Jason Segel got his hair cut, because he no longer looks like some kind of child molester. As always, I leave you with quotes:


"Men and women need sex to live together. It solves all disputes."--Robin. Note to self: find female roommate.

"Ok this is strictly a physical relationship, there are no feelings involved, ok?" "Oh please, that's like telling The Fonz to be cool."--Ted and Robin. Robin is the perfect girl.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, you guys are still talking about this."--Barney, about Ted and Robin. Can you tell Barney doesn't actually think it's funny?

"Hey Robin, do you want me to see if that waitress has any sugar cubes for that high horse of yours."--Marshall, before high fiving Lily

"Story of my life: my cuteness interferes with people hearing my message."--Lily. Mine too, Lily, mine too.

"Celebrities pick up their dry cleaning? I pick up my dry cleaning."--Marshall while reading his celebrity magazine while "reading a magazine."

"You're right super hot lady who my wife keeps telling me why you're famous and I keep forgetting."--Marshall to Kim Kardashian, who is famous for having a big ass and.......having a big ass.

Ok, I'm Now Officially Afraid of Brunch

How is everyone doing? Are you doing well? I know I am. This is going to be a really good week for me, both personally and TV wise, and that episode of our favorite Monday show just confirmed it for me. Things are going to get crazy on the UES soon, I can feel it in my bones. Also, never ever let anyone throw a big brunch party ever, they're always bound to end badly (we remember the wild brunch episode from last season right?). Let's get started:

So in tonight's A-plot, Lilfus is in Boston searching for their looooooove child, while S and Dan and Jenny and Eric are back in NY. Apparently Dan has been avoiding S and she's a little upset about it, while Little J has been a third wheel to all of Eric and his boyfriend Jonathan's dates. Apparently Little J has realized that a gay entourage is exactly what she needs to start her climb back to the top. Well that and a new haircut, but we're not getting rid of the dirty washcloth this week. Dan keeps trying to get in touch with Rufus because he cannot stand lying to Serena, a.k.a. wants to make sure she's not weirded out by them sharing a sibling so he can still go on boning her. This conversation is overheard by the plastics, who without Blair to guide them, decide to take matters into their own hands, which involves Gossip Girl telling her entire audience that she wants the goods on Dan. This being high school, the kids go absolutely ape shit trying to find out his deal. Someone breaks into his locker and discovers............a tuna sandwich! Oh the humanity! Seriously, Dan is the most boring fucking person in the world. He does not deserve the boobs, I tell you, he does not deserve them. Unabated by his vanilla life, Nelly Yuki decides to tail Dan to a meeting with Vanessa at a candy store. Uh, hold up, bitch why are you back in the picture? Apparently a new year does not mean a year free of the creepy stalker. Anyway, Dan cannot keep himself from telling Vanessa about the loooooooove child, which causes Vanessa to drop all the candy she was buying for her two month anniversary Nate (because candy is the key to keeping him happy V, keep telling yourself that.) Dan puts down his coat to help her clean up, which provides Nelly Yuki with the chance to steal his cell phone. I'm kind of liking this new Nelly Yuki, but she really needs to start showing some backbone and take a real swing at the plastics. Anyway, by stealing the phone, the plastics are able to intercept a text from Vanessa to Dan telling him to tell S about the loooooooove child, as S went to Vanessa to try to find out what Dan was hiding. Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa, when are you going to learn NOT TO PUT PRIVATE INFORMATION IN ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS. THEY WILL ALWAYS BE INTERCEPTED. SECRET INFORMATION CAN ONLY EVERY BE DELIVERED IN PERSON. The plastics decided to sit on the information until such a time as they will be allowed to release it. Hmm, I wonder when that will happen. Probably at a party, right?

In the "B for Basses are Bad Boys" plot, it's time for Bart's will to be read. Uncle Jack, Blair, and Nate (who for some reason was not present last week, probably because Vanessa had locked him in her secret underground dungeon where she keeps her boyfriends so they won't realize how irritating she is) all show up for support. As Lily is away trying to find her loooooooove child, she sends her lawyer in her stead. As for the will, apparently Bart decided to leave the company to his son. Fine. Furthermore, he decided to allow his son to run it. Fi----wait what? A seventeen year old is going to run a MULTIBILLION dollar corporation? Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive because of my inability to secure employment other than the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad job I hate, but there is NO WORLD in which a seventeen year old fuck up will be named Chairman and CEO of his father's company. No way, no how. In the interest of time, I'm going to suspend my disbelief. Chuck thinks his dad is fucking with him, but B convinces him otherwise, much to the chagrin of Uncle Jack who was hoping to run the company himself. So Chuck decides he's going to be a businessman and Uncle Jack decides to help his nephew celebrate, in the way that I help that dumb guy on my team by telling him, "Oh I'm not sure how you should do that, you should go ask Kelly" (which is usually the equivalent of sending someone to their doom). Uncle Jack tells Blair to plan a surprise brunch for the next day (which I'm sure she had Dorota running around and doing), and then decides to take Chuck out for a night on the town, even though he has dinner plans with Blair. Chuck decides to cancel on Blair, which was a total mistake since she had decided to put on her revealing clothes and whip out all her candles, which means she wanted sex. Seriously though, Leighton Meester looked GOOOOOOOD. I think a lady friend of mine put it best:
"WHOA, when did those breasts happen. I don't remember the breasts being that large." Looks like B is planning on giving S a run for her money in the BOOBS department, which is FINE. BY. ME. Continuing on, Chuck goes on an all night bender, which probably means he's going to be tired for.........

THE BRUNCH, where our A and B plots come together. So while everyone is waiting for Chuck to arrive, S and Dan make awkward small talk, Little J blows up at Eric for wanting alone time, because heaven forbid someone doesn't want to pay attention to Little J, and the plastics ask Blair for permission to dish the goods on the looooooove child, which she unwittingly gives because she is too preoccupied waiting for Chuck. Uncle Jack, who has also invited the members of the board, that sly dog, tells Blair that Chuck is in the office working, and also suggests that she take two board members up there with her to see him. Um, Blair, sweetie, you say you want to go to Yale, but you don't know when you're being set up? What's wrong with you? Don't you know what "Chuck's working" means? Because we all know it means he's with two ladies either drunk or stoned. And what do we see when she gets up there? Chuck, with two ladies, having consumed a large number of pills. The board members are not happy, and neither is Blair. Meanwhile, downstairs at the party, the plastics have sent the information about the looooooove child to Gossip Girl, who promptly informs everyone there, including Jenny, Eric, and Serena, who had no idea. Serena realizes that Dan knew all along and walks out, and my heart skips a beat at the thought that she might actually leave the douche.

And now we have the fallout: Uncle Jack takes control of the company, since Chuck violated the morality clause, his father's only stipulation for him. Looks like Bart was setting him up after all. Chuck goes to Blair to apologize, but she's not having any of it, and I sigh a little bit because I know that these two will eventually get together, but I just might be starting to get to the point where I won't care if it happens. Dan goes to the gallery to see Vanessa, but runs into Nate, who goes all Bromance on him, to which I say: UGGGHHHHHHH. Eric and Serena talk about the recently revealed looooooove child and quickly deduce that it was Grandma Cici's fault. See B, this is why she got into Yale, not just the BOOBS. They also decide to go see Dan and Jenny, because now for some reason they are all "family." Dan is overjoyed because---even though they share a sibling---Serena still wants to have sex with him. Eric and Little J make up, which is far too cheesy but also makes me a bit happy.

While all of this was going on, Lily and Rufus were in Boston having sex and waiting to hear from the parents of their looooove child, who initially did not want to meet them, but eventually decides to so he can tell them that the loooooove child died in a boating accident, which leaves Lilfus to question their relationship as they return home to the Humphrey Loft where they find their collective brood together talking about the loooooove child and realize that they are indeed together. The End.



Wait, what? I left something out you say? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm sorry: THE LOOOOOOVE CHILD IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD. It was his brother that died in the accident and the parents didn't want to lose their only remaining son to Lilfus. I totally saw this coming because there is far, far, far too much drama to be mined from the super secret love child, and the only thing that could make it more dramatic is having said love child come back from the dead. Also, if the seemingly nice adoptive parents wanted to stop Lilfus from stealing the child away, why not just let him meet them? It's not like they're the parents of the year. I mean one story about German Klaus and the kid will hightail it out of there. And if that doesn't do it let him meet his sister the racooon. She'll scare him off with all her self involvement.

And so that brings us to the end. I have to say I think we are headed in the right direction, people. Several times tonight I put both of my hands on my face, which is how I know things are starting to heat up. Also, I loved, loved, LOVED the limited amount of screen time given to Nate and Vanessa tonight. The less we see of them the better. And now I will leave you with quotes:

"I wouldn't have come to this party if I knew I wasn't VIP."--Blair to Nate at the reading of the will.

"Curfew?" "None." "Girls sleeping over?" "Yes, please." "I'll allow it."--Chuck allowing Uncle Jack to become his legal guardian.

"You noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis. Call us even."--Uncle Jack. The things family will do for each other.

"I see they act alone now." "It's so hard finding obedient minions."--S and B. Hahaha.

"Dating Nate Archibald after failing with Dan Humphrey? Talk about failing upwards."--The mini ones to Vanessa. (Can I say how excited I was to see them again, and to see the look of terror in Dan's eyes at the sight of them. It was wonderful).

"Last time I had a friend like that I wound up with gonorhea."--Uncle Jack to Chuck about Blair.

"Spare those expressive eyebrows. I can't wait until you get botox."--B to S. Double haha

"It sounds like this has grandma written all over it." "It reeks of gin and Chanel No. 5."--Eric and S.

The Golden Globes: What It Means for TV

I'm going to be honest, while I love the Golden Globes because movies + TV + celebs + alcohol - too many montages = best award show ever, I'm a little concerned with the way the awards played out this year. On the drama side, we had Mad Men, a wonderful show that no one watches, and Gabriel Byrne and Anna Paquin, stars of two HBO shows. On the comedy side, we had a clean sweep by 30 Rock, with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey taking the acting awards. The supporting awards didn't even go to shows, but rather to two actors from HBO miniseries. I think this years Globes were the crystallization of what we've been seeing over the past few years: the death of big broadcast TV. We all know that network ratings have been eroding slowly for years, but at the very least there have always been a few netowrk shows that were able to keep the critical praise (except for years in which the Sopranos was nominated). Now even that's starting to feel in doubt. Now I know you'll say 30 Rock is a network show, but let's be honest, it's an anomaly on a channel increasingly dominated by reality shows, a channel willing to abandon 5 hours of scripted programming each week for a late-primetime talk show. While I don't expect the broadcast networks to recover, I sometimes wonder what it will mean for the medium I love so much in the future. Any ideas?

Seriously, ANOTHER guest doctor?

So Michael Ausiello of EW.com is reporting that Faye Dunaway will guest star in an episode of Grey's Anatomy later this season. Supposedly she'll play a famous doc from another part of the hospital who crosses paths with our favorite surgeons. Besides the fact that this will continue the seemingly endless parade of guest docs (which seriously fucking needs to stop before I have a coronary which will require me to be admitted at Seattle Grace where I'll probably get worked on by one of these freaks), are we really supposed to believe the FAYE FUCKING DUNAWAY has been hiding in a corner of the hospital unseen for all these years. I'm sorry Shonda Rhimes, but have you ever seen anything that Faye Dunaway has ever been in ever? The woman is larger than life. If she's been working at Seattle Grace we would know it. Also, only one episode? That's ridiculous. If you're gonna get someone like Faye Dunaway, at least get her for a couple of episodes, especially if you're not going to make her a patient (which I think would have worked much, much better). I think this is yet another example of how this show is continuing to spiral into oblivion. I really wish I could stop watching this show, maybe this will be the thing that puts me over the edge, unless of course Faye Dunaway goes bat-shit and kills Izzie. That would be awesome. And for those of you who have no idea who Faye Dunaway is, I think the following clip says it all, and being "Bitch is C-R-A-Z-Y":

Clip of the Day: My Favorites from the Globes

Because (1) Tina Fey is, has been, and always will be the best thing to ever happen to NBC and comedy in general (NBC, you really owe her a lot.....A LOT), (2) Kate Winslet is funny, polite, sweet, and absolutely on Team Jen ("Oh, god who's the other one?"), and (3) Salma Hayek and Sandra Bullock's faces at the end of Sacha Baron Cohen's jokes were priceless. I shall follow up tonight with additional thoughts on the way the Globes played out.

Clip of the Day: Get Ready

Because there's just 12 days until it returns:

Hmm, Ok, So..........

Um, so 30 Rock. It was um, interesting. Not gonna lie, didn't love it. I'm not sure what it was. All the pieces were fine. I just don't feel like they added up to a greater whole than they usually do. I like Liz being baby crazy. I think it's funny and fits with Liz. I also like the idea of Liz going out with a little person because she was embarassed for thinking he was a child, but then kind of falling for him. I'm not sure I like the idea of Liz wanting to reenact something from the Sex and The City movie, but I think that's because I don't ever want something like that to happen to me in real life. Also, I like that the guy that played Liz's boy toy (because she thought he was a little boy, haha, ha, ha.........yeah, not funny? no.) was the same guy that seduced Julia on Nip/Tuck. He's a right little Lothario. And Liz had a couple of funny jokes tonight so I guess it worked.

I like Salma Hayek as Jack's mom's nurse, although I'm a little sick of the parade of guest stars. It's not that I thought she was bad, it's just that I'd rather see more Jack/Liz time than keep them apart with guest stars. I liked that Jack freaked out about finding "something down there," which I can say is every guys worst nightmare. I also like when Jack inserts himself into cultures he's not a part of: The mining town he went to with C.C., Liz's Family, and now the Puerto Ricans from Prospect Park. Also, Macarena? NICE.

Jenna is still bat shit crazy. Loved her Janis Joplin and the singing at the end, but it was no Muffin Top. Tracy is bat shit crazy and I love when they bring back his wife, because Sherri Shepard is hilarious and I love that they just start having sex in public places because yeah that's Tracy Jordan.

See like I said, I liked everything but I do feel like something was missing. I'll give you all some quotes to read while you think about it:

"Oh what a cute little girl, or boy if you grow up and feel that's what's inside you."--Liz, to a baby. Incidentally, the baby is already in therapy.

"Don't help me, I'm too proud."--Tracy trying to walk in his gold shoes.

"Ongoing trainwreck aside, I love this idea. It's great synergy."--Jack to Jenna. Incidentally, I think she made a better black guy than she does white woman from the 60s.

"Baby, I'm gonna be with you to the very end. I'm gonna watch you die, Tracy Jordan."--Sherri Shepard. Now that's love.

"She fought me at first, but I found that authoritative rapid Spanish subdues white people."--Salma Hayek. Yes, yes it does.

'Thank you for telling me what I already know. You should work for the Huffington Post."--Jack to Salma Hayek.

I Cannot Abide This Idiocy Any Longer

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."--Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Why did I start with Dickens, you ask? Because I think it's the only apt comparison for what I just experienced. I watched two different shows tonight. One was about these four doctors who have semi-interesting personal lives and personalities who were forced to treat a serial killer and deal with what that meant for each of them and how it affected their relationships. It was fairly interesting and fairly serious and pretty compelling TV I thought. That show's B-plot, while a little too light hearted, dealt with two of their colleagues who were resisting the urge to sleep with younger colleagues because they know it's inappropriate. These two doctors make a great on-screen pair and I'm really liking the way in which their friendship is developing. Also pretty compelling stuff, albeit in a much different way. All in all, the first show was very good.

The second show, on the other hand, was complete and utter drivel. The second show was about a BAT SHIT CRAZY (emphasis on the "BAT," "SHIT," and "CRAZY"), narcissistic, self-centered, bimbo blonde surgeon, and the love triangle she's "trapped" in with her dead fiancee and her new boyfriend, who's had his own shit to deal with in the past and for some ungoldy reason still seems to love her. I know you're asking, "How can her fiancee be dead and yet still be with her?" My answer? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, beyond the fact that the show's creator insists on "being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only," with the superlative degree of comparison being WORST WRITER PRODUCER TO EVER WALK THE FACE OF THE PLANET EVER. Now I know you're asking why I watched both of these shows, and I'll tell you: because they are THE SAME. FUCKING. SHOW. GREY'S FUCKING ANATOMY.

I predicted yesterday or the day before that we were going to see a return to form tonight on Grey's, and by large, I think that held up. I think the Cristina-Meredith-Shepard-Doctor Major Hunt plot nicely balanced personal drama with medical drama and really got back to why we loved the show in the first place: the relationships with the doctors (who by the way are supposed to be the best in their field mind you) and the way in which that affects their patients. I liked that the serial killer was able to reshuffle the cards among these four so that Mer and Hunt wound up on one side and Derek and Cristina wound up on the other. I liked that Mer and Cristina are still fighting and that neither is willing to give in. I liked that Hunt and Shepard tried to use it to bond. I liked that Mer made that uber-bitchy comment about some surgeons being naturals and others needing to practice during surgery because she knew it would hit Cristina where it hurt---her ego. I even liked the little interaction between Mer and Sadie where Sadie warned her that she needed to stop freezing Cristina out or else she would regret it and how Sadie was able to offer up a little bit more character insight into Meredith and show that she still has a whole host of other issues even if she's trying to make it work with Derek. (Seriously, that one little interaction has redeemed the character in my eyes, and I'm a little peeved with Shonda Rhimes because I think this is exactly the type of stuff the character was introduced for, yet we didn't get it until 6 episodes in. Ridiculous.) I even liked how Derek and Meredith made up at the end and he tried to be her Cristina, because I whole heartedly believe that this show works best when it allows its characters to grow and change.

Along those lines, I'm really enjoying the whole Sloan-Lexie thing (which I've decided to call Slexie, instead of Groan because I like it) because I like that it's making Sloan be a person. Sure it came out of left field, but unlike so many of the other couplings on this show, this one is a teensy bit believable, and a little reality goes a long way. I'm still not totally buying the whole "whoops Callie is still a lesbian but she'll try to sleep with Sloan when convenient" thing, but I do like that it's moved her and Sloan firmly into the friend zone, since I think they made a great pair and provided some necessary yet enjoyable comic relief. But if the show is going to insist on pairing Callie with Sadie, at least let them actually flirt, please. Don't just throw them into bed two episodes from now, because as much as I like gratuitous sex, I do like it to be believable.

I also enjoyed the Bailey plotline, because I think anything that gives Chandra Wilson screentime is a good thing. I will say, though, that I'm really started to get irritated by the parade of guest actor-doctors we seem to have been having of late. They show up, we're expected to invest in them, and then they disappear. It's irritating. The cast is already bloated to the extremes. Stop bringing in temporary new faces. Thank you.

Ok, so I waited this long to talk about this because I wanted to make sure I said everything else I needed to say about tonight's episode (I've decided to ignore the Chief subplot, because, well he ignored his doctors tonight. Fair is fair). I think we all know what's coming so I might as well jsut get started. IT'S BEEN FOUR MOTHERFUCKING EPISODES AND THAT DEAD FUCK DENNY DUQUETTE IS STILL FUCKING WALKING AROUND WITH IZZIE AND THE TWO OF THEM ARE FUCKING TALKING AND FUCKING GIGGLING LIKE A PAIR OF COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKERS. IS SHE CRAZY? DOES SHE HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR? WHO THE FUCK CARES AT THIS POINT?!!!!! THIS IS THE MOST LUDICROUS UNBELIEVABLE SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN. THIS MADNESS, THIS IDIOCY, THIS MORONICLY STUPID PLOTLINE DOES NOT FIT IN WITH THE WORLD OF THE SHOW. GREY'S IS A DRAMEDY, PERHAPS, BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS WEIRD SCI-FIESQUE SHIT GO ON FOR FOUR FUCKING EPISODES WITH NO EXPLANATION BESIDES, AND I QUOTE "I'VE BEEN SEEING DENNY EVERYWHERE." YES, YOU HAVE BEEN SEEING DENNY EVERYONE YOU STUPID BITCH. DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING NORMAL, YOU FUCKING BIMBO?!!!!!!! YOU'RE A FUCKING DOCTOR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!! AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT JUST AT THE END OF LAST FUCKING SEASON, YOU MADE A HUGE FUCKING STINK ABOUT CRAZY JANE DOE AND TRIED TO GET ALEX TO GET HER HELP AND STUCK YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY ASS DUMB BITCH NOSE INTO ALL HIS BUSINESS. THE POOR GUY LOVES YOU AND YOU FUCKING TELL HIM THAT YOU NOT ONLY SEE YOU'RE DEAD DOUCHEBAG OF A FIANCEE (and yes, I realize that I'm calling Denny a douchebag, but I swear that Jeffrey Dean Morgan is playing the guy like a different character at this point because he's even gotta be like "What the FUCK is this shit?"). I HATE YOU IZZIE STEVENS, I HATE YOU WITH EVERY PART OF MY SOUL. I'VE HATED YOU SINCE YOU BROKE UP GEORGE'S MARRIAGE AND I HATE YOU EVEN MORE NOW. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST DIE? OR REALIZE THAT YOU NEED TO BE COMMITTED TO AN INSTITUTION AND GET TAKEN AWAY FROM THE HOSPITAL AND THUS OFF THE FUCKING SHOW?!!!!!!! PLEASE? BECAUSE I CANNOT ABIDE YOUR STUPIDITY ANY FUCKING LONGER. ALEX BAKED YOU A CAKE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY AND ALL YOU THINK IS HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE YOU'RE DEAD FUCKING FIANCEE AND YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND AT THE SAME TIME. DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU'RE VALIDATING THE EXISTENCE OF THE HOT-CRAZY SCALE RIGHT NOW? DO YOU?!!!! AND REALLY YOUR CRAZY HAS GONE SO FAR OFF THE CHARTS THAT IN A WEEK OR TWO YOUR GOING TO START LOOKING LIKE A HAG, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. YOU MAKE FUCKING BRITNEY WITH THE UMBRELLA HITTING THE CAR LOOK LIKE THE PICTURE OF MENTAL FUCKING HEALTH. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU, IZZIE STEVENS, I. HATE. YOU. (Katherine Heigl, on the other hand, I feel so bad for you and I hope you are able to escape the clutches of that awful Shonda Rhimes and I totally agree with you speaking out against her about the Emmys, you were totally right. I will absolutely be coming to see your new movie, because I want you to know I support you and I know you will get through this muck of shit and be able to look back on it and laugh sometime in the future. Be strong.)

There are no quotes tonight because I fucking hate (half of) this show. Here's praying that Izzie's head explodes next week.

Clip of the Day: The Bird is the Word

Because if you need to ask what I'm talking about, then I'm not telling you, but if you do you do know what I'm talking about, then you that escape is super, super, super imminent!:

Jazz + Whiskey + Gun = I'm Intrigued

Damages, Damages, Damages, you really are wonderful. There's something about you that's intoxicating that's going to keep me coming back for more. You are well acted (for the most part), well plotted (I hope, it's too early to tell), and well shot and soundtracked (I dare you to watch any episode and disagree). I think I might be falling for you, Damages, so please, please don't let Patty try to have me killed. Thanks.

Now that we've got that covered, let's talk about the season premiere. Not the greatest episode ever, but very, very solid. I think it laid the necessary groundwork for a stellar season. Brief synopsis: Show opens and closes with Ellen waving a gun and talking to someone off camera about lying. Flash back to 6 months earlier; Patty is setting up a foundation to feed the hungry to clear her conscience about trying to have Ellen killed. What she failed to mention is that the foundation's purpose is to actually feed the hungry to herself for dinner every night, because I don't care what anyone says, Patty Hewes is the most sinister woman in the world. Ellen has joined a support group to try to get over her grief over her fiance's death, and she's still working with the Feds to have Patty brought down. Frobisher, henceforth known as Frobie, managed to survive and is recuperating in a private hospital. Some guy named Daniel Purcell who works for some mysterious corporation and has some mysterious connection to Patty, appeals to her for help, which she intially refuses, but then reconsiders after his wife turns up dead in what I'm sure is a set up, but hope is some kind of twist that it's not. Also, Timothy Olyphant (didn't catch the character's name) wants to have sex with Ellen.

Now for my thoughts. Let's start with those opening and closing scenes. I thought it was intriguing enough, but I couldn't help thinking how much better/scarier it would have been if Glenn Close was doing the talking. I'm not talking about her as Patty, but just her as the actress mind you. I don't know what it is about her, but Glenn Close can say more with one look, or one small movement, than most actresses can say with two hours of dialogue. I think Rose Byrne is great, but I don't think she can pull off this whole unhinged woman thing. She just winds up tensing up her body and making her face look vacant. That being said, I'm hoping that that improves as we go on.

Ok, so back to Patty. First off, let me say that as soon as that guy's daughter (the one who refused to donate to her foundation) walked into the office, I knew Patty was going to do something with her. Intially, I thought she would try to get her thrown out of Yale, but having her busted for cocaine (on her son's information no less) was a pure stroke of genius. Even better was taking the guy to the cleaners when he wanted back in on donating. That whole subplot was like watching a lion play with it's prey, letting it think it can escape before it goes in for the bloody kill. It was glorious.

As for this Daniel Purcell guy and his link to Patty, first off let me say that I never saw The Big Chill, so I'm not sure what the dynamic between William Hurt, who plays Purcell, and Glenn Close is supposed to evoke. That being said, I'm betting they had an affair. Also, I want to know what Purcell thinks Patty owes him, because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that Patty Hewes is in debt to no one; she just has them killed instead. I wonder if he's the father of her dead daughter. It would be interesting and would also justify reintroducing and explaining that small plot point from last year.

As for the reappearance of Frobie, I can't say I'm a fan. I thought we had put him to bed last season, and as much as I liked Ted Danson in the role, I don't think Ellen can balance two revenge plots at once. (And I don't buy for a second, her little talk with Timothy Olyphant about chosing forgiveness, because she's supposedly loved David so much, so why wouldn't she go after his killer as much as she went after Patty, hmm?). It is nice to see that he's still a self righteous prick even after having an attempt made on his life, asking his nurse to make him look sicker than he is so that his wife will pity him. Jerkface.

As for the fake case Ellen is trying to have Patty take, I think it will be interesting, although I have a sneaking suspicion it gets pushed in favor of the Purcell case.

I'm a little worried about the whole Patty as a tortured soul thing, because while it's believable and I love any excuse to have Zeljko Ivanek (Ray Fiske who very memorably killed himself in Patty's office last season) return, I don't want it to make Patty more likable or take her off her game, because like I said I love when she is a lion.

Also, let me say I don't trust Timothy Olyphant for a second and I'm wondering if he's the mechanism Uncle Pete is continuing to use to spy on Ellen. I'm also going to make a fearless prediction and say that he's the one sitting in the chair that Ellen is talking to and shoots at the end of the episode. (I also have trouble buying Ellen being able to kill in cold blood, but I think that's because she didn't sell the crazy routine very well at the beginning.)

A few other things of note:

• Totally loved Patty telling Ellen that whoever tried to kill her was actually trying to kill Patty. She's is a master manipulator and I wonder if she's planted a true seed of doubt or not.
  
• The whole Regis and Kelly bit was a funny, although a little out of place.
• Did anyone else notice Paige Turco as Purcell's wife. She's been in a bunch of stuff over the years, but to me she will forever be April O'Neill from the second and third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.
  
• I'm betting Ellen and Timothy Olyphant sleep together by episode 3 or 4.
  
• I'm a bit over having Tate Donovan around, unless he does something interesting soon. Patty doesn't need a lap dog.
  
• Does anyone know where I can download the theme song? I love it and am having trouble finding it.

Ok that's it for me. I apologize if this post was a bit disjointed, but given that not too much was revealed tonight, I tried to cover all the bases as best as possible. I think we are in for another wonderful ride this year, and with LOST coming back in two weeks, I think Wednesdays are ready to lay claim to the title of Best Night of TV Ever. I will leave you with my favorite quotes from the episode.

"The woman's full of shit."--Ellen about Patty after being on Regis and Kelly. Thank you Ellen for the exposition.

"Fine, watch her, I'm concerned about her well being."--Patty to Uncle Pete about Ellen, and by "concerned about her well-being" she means "waiting to see if the little bitch double-crosses me so I can kill her myself, probably by ripping her limb from limb because I'm a scary fucking bitch, so don't fuck with me, I won't be ignored, Dan, I mean Pete." (kudos to anyone who recognizes my movie reference).

"You don't know who I am, do you?" "Sure I do, why do you ask?" "Because I'm the most hated man in America, and you're being nice to me."--Frobie and his nurse. A bit dramatic, but then again Frobie was always heinously dramatic and self-involved.

"Except for the vagina."--Patty talking about why she's not one of the boys. Has anyone seen the movie Teeth? I suggest wiki-ing it and reading the cynopsis. You can draw your own conclusions as to why I suggest that.

So I Think I May Need to Take Back What I Said

Let me lay it out for you: I'm a person who HATES being wrong. Even worse is when I have to admit it. I'd rather just pretend that I never said it at all in the first place. This being a blog, however, where people can just go back and double check what I've said, I think I might, and I repeat MIGHT, have to retract the disparaging comments I made last night about the upcoming 3 episode arc, because based on these two clips, I think we're looking at some pretty interesting story:





First, off let me say that I could give a shit about the patient right now. I'm much, much more interested in the dynamic of having just Hunt, Shepard, Mer, and Cristina working on the patient because there is all sorts of juicy story there to explore: Hunt and Cristina's blossoming romance, the tension between Mer and Cristina because of the solo surgery stuff, Mer and Der finally having some issues. Even better, it looks they're going to be taking sides, with Mer and Hunt on one and Derek and Cristina on the other. We could be seeing a return to some old school Grey's here (I'm thinking of those season 1 episodes with the rape victim and the guy with pins in his head, where the cases were both compelling AND believable AND caused some real tension for our favorite docs). So, I'm cautiously optimistic. I mean, after all we've yet to see any clips of what is sure to be the HEINOUSLY AWFUL Bat Shit Crazy Izzie-Denny-Alex subplot.

Clip of the Day: So Ready to Start Having the Glenn Close Nightmares Again

Because the new season of Damages premieres tonight at 10 on FX. For those of you not familiar with the show, here is a recap of season 1, in 2 parts. Make sure you watch it with the lights on:

Quick Hits

So there's been a lot of news since I've been away; therefore, I've decided to run through as much of it possible, starting right......NOW:

• Michelle Trachtenberg will reprise her role of Georgina Sparks in several episodes of Gossip Girl later this season. Apparently Georgina will challenge Blair to a competition to see who is actually the craziest bitch around the UES. I hear the challenges will include, but are not limited to: pretending to have split personalities, trying to seduce Dan, trying to seduce Serena, pushing the unseen Lilfus love child down a flight of stairs, and setting fire to Constance Billard school. Should be interesting.
  
• Speaking of Gossip Girl, nymag.com reported that the cast filmed episode at the St. George Theatre back in my hometown of Staten Island. Several witnesses reported seeing several young men in velour sweatsuits pass out as Blake Lively walked by. Oh to be back home again.
  
• Grey's Anatomy will return Thursday with a three-episode arc focusing on.......WAIT. Three episode arc? The last time they pulled this shit was when Meredith "died" and I actually wanted to die inside. I believe the second episode of that one was the one where Bat Shit Crazy Izzie became irredemably unlikable. Perhaps during this one she'll become irredemably dead.
  
• Dirty Sexy Money has been effectively cancelled and removed from the air. Boo.
  
• T.R. Knight, who plays George on Grey's, reportedly will be departing the show by season's end. Word is the episode will feature George seeking out departed world-class heart surgeons Burke and Hahn, who are now at the same hospital, to learn under them. If episode rates well, a spinoff may be possible. Because ABC really needs another show about histrionic doctors. No seriously, it does.
• In better news, Lost, Friday Night Lights, and Damages all return this month. In an attempt to bolster ratings of all three, the networks have involved have plotted a three-way crossover that spans all three shows in the last episode of Janaury. Apparently Patty Hewes will try to kill Coach Taylor so she can takeover the Panthers and turn them into a private army she will use to battle her long lost brother Ben so she can take over the island.

Ok so I might have made some of that stuff up, but I'll leave it to you to figure out yourself. Goodnight.

• 
  

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

HELLO! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I would like to apologize for my long absence, but I was taking a bit of a holiday break. You know, so I could come back all refreshed and ready for a new year. I love new years. It's a time for a fresh start, a new beginning, time to be what you always thought you could be. Our favorite show was all new tonight, and totally tried to make it seem like it was all about change and new stuff, but really what did get? Secrets, lies, old couples back together, new couples back apart, funny Dorota, the little mulleted blonde one......basically just a lot more of the same, with a few nice twists. Not that I'm complaining, because I thought this was a nice kickoff for what I'm hoping will be a nice stretch of episodes. Hell, if we're lucky, three episodes from now we'll have something that'll rival the appearance of New Serena. Ok diving in....

Let's start with Chuck, since his story is still the saddest. Honestly, I know Chuck's supposed to be the baddest of bad, but watching him grieve his dad like a bat out of hell actually makes me feel really bad for him. Although spending a week high with Thai hookers is a bit much, even in my book. I like the way he acted out in front of Headmistress Kweller. I did not like the way he kept pushing Blair away. I liked that he bought the old club back. I did not like his little escapade on the roof. Seriously, it would have been interesting if there was any chance of him dying, but we all know there wasn't because GG would never kill off a main cast member (Bart was nothing more than a recurring guest star). It's not like we're watching LOST, or the third season of The OC where they just HAD to kill off the most annoying character because they had literally burned through every possible plot line for her and then some. I'm happy that there seems to be some sort of detente between Chuck and Blair, but by the looks of the previews, it won't seem to last (more on that shortly). Also, I kind of like Chuck's uncle in that he seems like an older version of Chuck, but I have a question. Did anyone else think he had a slight south Boston accent? I thought I heard it a couple of times, and given that those old biddies Blair was talking to called the Basses new money it might fit. It's a nice little layer of inferred back story if it's the case (I mean who doesn't love a rags to riches story, even Bart was an ass?) So am I making this up or can anyone confirm this for me.

And now for our Queen B: I'm not gonna lie, I think Leighton Meester is the best actress on the show. Now I know some of you might say this is a race to the bottom given that she's competing with Blake Lively, who's best acting seems to happen below her neck and above her waist every week, and Taylor Momsen, who no one really pays attention because they can't see past her mullet, but I swear I think she's going to be a great comedic actress. She's got the timing down pat, what with the little eye twitches and the cracking in her voice, and the way she always seems too frazzled for the occassion, and her one-liners (see below for an example) and the way she plays off Dorota. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I would definitely watch a spin-off that featured just the two of them. (Speaking of which, have we heard anything else about the Dorota webisodes that were promised before the holidays?) Now this is not to say that she doesn't do the drama well, because she does, just not as well as the comedy. And speaking of the drama, who else felt a little sad when she went up into her room to compose herself, letting herself cry for just a bit, before putting the stony face back on. And you all have to love the way she told those old biddies from the Colony Club to stuff it when they said bad stuff about Chuck. And the way she talked Chuck down off the roof. I was so sure that was the beginning of their happy ending, that is until she told Uncle Jack not to say anything about New Year's, to which I say: NO, B, NO! I can understand why she did whatever she did (the show was a bit unclear), but now it just means an extension of the will they, won't they dance until the end of the season, and frankly I'm growing a bit tired of it. I want to see them together, and perhaps scheming to embarass Dan Humphrey.

Speaking of Dan, we might as well address the whole Dan-Serena-Lily-Rufus thing now. First off, AARON IS GONE!!!!!!! That dirty, smelly, slimy, self-righteous prick has returned to whatever Brooklyn loft he climbed out of and freed our glorious, wonderful, perfectly perky Serena to.........run back into the arms of Dan Humphrey. What. The. Fuck. S, don't you remember that you didn't have a personality when you dated that loser. Are you really going to go back to being boring just so your loser boyfriend won't judge you? DON'T DO IT, S. Thankfully she probably won't for long, since Dan figured out Lily and Rufus' secret. Actually he was more told Lily and Rufus' secret by Chuck, who followed up with "Wow you and Serena sharing a brother and hooking would even be something I wouldn't do" (which a nameless friend doesn't see anything wrong with, but whatever, who am I to judge?) Dan prepares to tell S, but then Rufus tells him not to, as he and Lily are going to search for their child, so Dan just makes out with her instead. Question: are we supposed to take Lily and Rufus going off together as a sign of their getting back together? I think given their talk in the apartment ("I could never hate you, Lil.") I think so, which is ok with me. I'm much, much, much more interested to see how S takes the news, since we know she can be a bat of out hell sometimes (remember the InStyle party from earlier in the season when she was showing off the boobs and caused a big scene. No, not that party, the other one where she had her boobs out. No, the OTHER one. Yeah, that one.) I can't wait for that one.

And in tonight's "C for See I Still Have A Mullet Even Though I've Decided to Be A Good Girl and Go Back to School Plot," Little J goes back to school to take on the plastics. The plastics are mean to Nelly Yuki (Nelly Yuki!), so she hatches a plot to dethrone them. And she does by threatening to reveal their dirty secrets on Gossip Girl (Penelope is sleeping with her dad's junior partner, Hazel made out with her cousin twice, and we don't know what Iz did but it's bad. Haha, plastics, I told everyone!) But when she doesn't want to be Queen B, Nelly goes back to them. Because girls in high school are crazy. Seriously the best thing about this plot was all of the one liners and jokes, some of which are below. And also, I refuse to believe that Little J went back to school and gave up what seemed to be a viable fashion career just because she wanted to feel like a kid again. She is seriously lame, because chances like that don't come along very often in real life and you need to grab them when they do. Oh wait, I forgot, this is a TV show, which means she'll be a designer again in like five episodes when they need a new plot for her.

Two other things and before I give you quotes: No Nate and No Vanessa make me a happy boy. One can only hope they stay away next week. Second, I really hope they don't expect us to believe that Rufus and Dan walked all the way from Brooklyn to school because seriously that would take all fucking day. Showing them coming out of the subway would have been nice. And now your quotes:


"Please, Eric, really, in the past four months I've faced down Eleanor Waldorf, I've hijacked a society gala, I had my entire collection torched by some crazy model, and I was basically homeless, I think I can handle high school."--Little J to Eric. Thank you for the nice plot summary, Little J. It was very concise.

"I broke up with Aaron."--S. WOO FUCKING HOO!!!!!!

"This is my news." "A postcard would have been fine. I'm so happy for you. I'm gonna go vomit now."--S and B about S and Dan getting back together. Thank you, Blair, fo saying what we're all thinking.

"Do you know what you're doing Little J?" "I'm not Little J anymore."--The plastics and little J. If it still looks like a racoon with a dirty yellow towel on its head, it must be Little J.

"We're more than any one member, and the only way Nelly is leaving is in a body bag." "God, P, tone down the crazy."--The plastics, who seem to realize how ridiculous they are.

"That's the problem with an open invitation, it fails to keep out the hoi polloi."--Chuck to Dan. Nice.

"I see her quite a bit on page 6." "And quite a bit of her."--The old biddies from the Colony Club talking about Serena and her magic boobs.

"You're telling me this was just a good deed? Uh, I'm bored."--Penelope to Little J about being nice to Nelly Yuki (Nelly Yuki!). Thanks, P, for saying what we're all thinking.

All in all, I think it's going to be a very happy new year on GG, if happy = secretive, lustful, and devious. Like I said, happy fucking new year.