Clip of the Day: There's a Toe in My Kitchen

Because Friends Thanksgiving episodes are the best episodes:

Clip of the Day (Night) : Crazy Bitch

Because this started all of the dumb shit that Grey's is doing now:

Clip of the Day: Awwwwww

Because they are so cute it makes me want to vomit:

Shonda Rhimes, You Are Ruining Blondes for Me

I could take about the few good things in tonight's episode. I could talk about the heartbreaking story of the dad with epilepsy and the daughter who tries to take care of him. I could talk about the strain on Mer and Cristina's relationship, which seems like it's almost at the breaking point. I could talk about Bailey, and how wonderfully awesome she is and how I wish she was my mentor. I could talk about how Sloan has developed into this really cool character who I want to be my wingman next time I go out. I could talk about how sad Callie seems and I how I feel bad for her. I could talk about all those things, but I won't because Shonda Rhimes and her fucking crazy pills and crazy ass storylines are ruining this show for me. I repeat: RUINING. THIS. SHOW. FOR. ME. And she doing it with what is starting to feel like an army of psychotic blondes. Why blondes, Shonda, why? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME?!!

Let's start with the guest star, Leslie Grossman, who is hilarious in everything else she is in. Tonight she played a hypochondriac who needed a fecal implant from her husband. Translation: He had to poop into a bowl and Karev had to take it and put it in her butt. Ewwwwwwwww. Gross.

Next we have Sadie, the crazy bitch who popped out of nowhere. I don't understand how she and Meredith could be such good friends and yet we're only seeing and hearing about her just now. Also, given her high level of crazy, I seriously question Mer's judgment and I never ever want her to be my doctor. And that shit she pulled? Cutting herself open on the table when Lexie was about to come to her senses and not do the stupid, stupid, moronic, insane surgery one her? WHAT IS IT WITH HER AND CUTTING HERSELF OPEN?!!!! She's obviously got some weird kind of S&M cutting fetish, but come on. Who the fuck does that? Thank god she didn't die or else we would have had another Denny Duquette situation on our hands, with interns acting dumb and doing dumb things and endangering their careers. Speaking of Denny....

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU IZZIE?!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH A DEAD GUY!!!!!! AN IMAGINARY DEAD GUY SINCE THE REAL DENNY IS PROBABLY BURIED IN THE GROUND SOMEWHERE. (The only redeeming part to this story was Mer, Alex, and Der standing in the hallway listening to Izzie moan like a porno queen. Hilarious.) IZZIE, YOU KNOW DENNY DIED. IN FACT, YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE REASON HE'S DEAD. YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR DEAD FIANCEE. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY YOU'RE CRAZY. YOU'RE STILL TALKING TO YOUR CRAZY DEAD FIANCEE. DIDN'T YOU SEE A BEAUTIFUL MIND AND HOW JOHN NASH STARTED IGNORING HIS MADE UP NOT REAL FRIENDS? YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM HIM YOU SICK BITCH!!!!!!! AND YOU'RE PLAYING POOR ALEX. THE GUY WHO'S LAST GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK HIM???? DO YOU GET OFF ON BEING SO CRAZY, YOU BAT SHIT CRAZY CRAZY PERSON??????? The kicker to this whole storyline is that Shonda is saying that Izzie DOESN'T have a brain tumor. Hah. If she doesn't have a tumor then she needs some serious meds. DO YOU HEAR THAT IZZIE? GO SEE DR. WYATT (which would be a nice excuse to get Amy Madigan back) AND LET HER HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR CRAZY. I REALLY HATE YOU IZZIE. I REALLY DO. LET YOUR FUCKING DEAD FIANCEE GO AND RELIEVE US OF THIS STORYLINE. AND YOU SHONDA RHIMES, EVERYTHING I JUST SAID TO IZZIE APPLIES TO YOU TOO. STOP TAKING YOUR FUCKING CRAZY PILLS AND GET YOUR SHOW BACK ON TRACK. DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? GET. IT. BACK. ON. TRACK. NOW!!!!!!!!!

I have nothing else to say about tonight's episode, so I will leave you with some quotes and hopefully when the show returns in two weeks we will start to put this idiocy behind us.


"I'm crazy. That's what this is. Craziness."--The Bat Shit One to Denny at the beginning of the episode. YES YOU ARE.

"Who's making a porno movie in Izzie's room?"--Derek.

"Married, betrayed, gay, abandoned, and then I woke and had no idea how I got here."--Callie, summarizing her storyline for the last two seasons.

"Well at least I'll still have you. You'll still be my friend and have sex with me when I want." "Anytime. You know, once your face heals."--Callie and Mark after she got her nose broken. So many things wrong with that interaction.

"I'm not going to crap into a bowl until you admit it was a pimple"--Poop guy

"What do you mean 'no' ?"--Christina. The way she said that made me very scared.

"No poop. No poop for you."--Poop guy channeling his best Soup Nazi

"I've taken your crap all these years. Now it's your turn to take mine."--Poop guy

Clip of the Day: It's Good

Because it's so good, I feel really guilty about being the only watching it, and I think everyone should take a look, especially Tali:

Clip of the Day, Part Deux: 2 Points

Because I'd like Veronica to help me lower my purity rating, wink wink, nudge, nudge:

Clip of the Day: Spelling Bee

Because Peter is one smart fellow:

I'm Sorry, I Don't Think Gossip Girl Should Get Holidays

Good evening, boys and girls. I hope you all had wonderful weekends. I did not. Nor did I have a very good day. That's why I was so looking forward to tonight, because TV, especially GG, always puts me in a good mood. There were no OMFGG moments (looks like those are coming in two weeks), but all in all I have to say it was a very good, solid episode.

This week's episode was all about Thanksgiving, which, if you remember from last year, is a day that GG takes off. That bitch. Who does she think she is? All she has to do is provide voiceovers. She doesn't need a week off. I'll forgive her, although she better not pull this shit again next year. Ok, moving on....

Ok, so like last year, this GG Thanksgiving was filled with family drama. Let's start with the Archibalds. Let me say that I hate Nate's dad. Dude is a giant douchebag. He was going to "kidnap" his wife and son to extort money from his in-laws? I was super impressed by Nate turning his dad into the Feds. Who knew there was a brain behind those bangs? Sure this also led to him reconciling with Chuck and the hated Vanessa, but in the spirit of Thanksgiving I will let that slide. What I will not let slide was the subtle reveal that Nate is a Vanderbilt through his mom's side. So that explains the smell of money every time he's on screen. Good to know. And I'm glad to see the Captain grew a pair and turned himself in.

As for the van der Basses, I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll start with my favorite, Serena. Serena is still all googly eyed over that heinous fuck Aaron, and I still don't know why. Even worse, she's acting all needy and insecure because they are not yet dating exclusively. I'm sorry, but anyone, ANYONE, that makes a girl like that insecure deserves to be hurt in the worst imaginable way possible. Or at least be forced to shave off that ugly mustache and take a bath. Something like that. Anyway, Douche McDouche tries to ruin my night by asking Serena to be exclusive and of course she says yes (why do you hurt me so, S? Why?) She suggests they have some champagne to celebrate, but Aaron says that he's sober, to which I say "Ah yes, here's what will break them up!" S tries to play cool and say that she has partied ocassionally, but that she's a teetotaler now. If S is a teetotaler, then I'm the Queen of England. Moving on: Aaron is supposed to meet the van der Basses on Thanksgiving, and he goes to some upscale grocery store in Brooklyn that sells cheese where he runs into Rufus and that annoying fuck Dan Humphrey. When Dan hears that Aaron is going to meet the van der Basses, he totally starts peeing on his territory with comments like "Say hello to them for me, we spent last Thanksgiving together, and I totally railed your new girlfriend so fuck you." Dan suggests he bring wine instead of cheese since S is such a lush, but then Aaron's all like "S don't drink no more," and then Dan goes "Really? Because she loved drinking last spring and doing crazy things with that psycho bitch Georgina who I almost also railed and you didn't so fuck you." Aaron gets all weirded out, which makes me think that he's going to freak out and leave Serena, which if that happened I would stop saying bad things about Dan Humphrey. Aaron goes to the van der Basses where Serena is looking beautiful and acting giddy and starts asking her questions about the past and she's all "What? Me do bad things? Stop asking questions and just look at how beautiful I am." Meanwhile, Chuck is telling Eric about Bart's secret vault of secrets, where Bart keeps files about everyone ever. Eric goes in looking for his file and finds his, S's, and Lily's, which he gives to each of them. Lily freaks when she finds out he ones for the kids, so they all leave to spend Thanksgiving the VDW (van der Woodsen) way: at the diner. S doesn't go though because she decides she's going to give her file to Aaron to read. Why not just recount your sordid past out loud S? I know there are many of us who would love to listen. Aaron decides not to read the file, because he trusts her blah blah blah I want to know S's dirty secrets. Fuck you for being lame Aaron, I hate you. Meanwhile, Eric confronts Lily about her being in an institution when she was 19 (he totally read her file). She obviously does not want to talk about it, but I wonder if it had anything to do with a certain lead singer of Lincoln Hawk, hmm?

Speaking of the Humphreys, Little J and Rufus' cold war continues. Little J has been squatting at the van der Bass apartment while she decides whether or not to file the emancipation papers. She also still has dirty looking hair and way too much eye make up. Meanwhile Rufus is lamenting his runaway daughter. Things get worse when Lily tells him about the emancipation papers, but she offers to play mediator (love her!). She summons Rufus to her apartment on Thanksgiving (which annoys Bart) and leads to a confrontation over the emancipation papers. Rufus says that he'd rather her sign them than lose her forever. Little J, unable to process any situation with Rufus that does not allow her to make her dead-eyed rebellious face, leaves to wander the streets of Manhattan. She eventually encounter Blair, who tells her to stop being such a little bitch because she a parent who cares about her. Then Eleanor shows up and gives a scarf and takes her home. Apparently love has changed that woman. So in the end, Little J returns home to Rufus, tears up the papers, and TAKES OFF HER EYE MAKEUP. WOO HOO!!!!!!! The raccoon eyes are gone!

Am I forgetting someone? Oh that's right, Blair. I love Blair. She had the best lines tonight, two of which I've captured in the quotes below. I also think I would watch a half hour spin off based on her and Dorota scheming together. They are hilarious together. Anyway, Blair is fuming over Cyrus and his family taking over the Waldorf apartment. He even goes so far as to give her notes on her Thanksgiving pie. Ludicrous. Eleanor is all "Oh I love him Blair get used to it," which leaves Blair fuming. Also, loved the face Blair made when she saw Cyrus feeding Eleanor pie. Like I said, spin-off for Blair and Dorota. Blair goes over the edge when she finds out Cyrus proposed to Eleanor and that Eleanor was waiting to tell hr with the rest of Cyrus' family. She decides to set off on her own and go wandering around the city with Dorota (love all the camera time for D tonight) until Eleanor tracks them down and brings them back to the apartment, where.....Blair's dad is waiting! with a pie! And Blair is happy! All is right with the world!

Th episode ends with Lily and Eric (who both Jenny and Lily referred to as "E"...apparently the initial thing is spreading) crashing the Humprhey loft for Thanksgiving dinner, with Bart sitting in a limo outside making creepy phone calls to find out even more about Lily's past. Also, VANESSA IS A HEINOUS BITCH. She stole the letter Nate wrote to Little J to make sure that he'll go back to her instead of Jenny. I didn't think she had it in her. Nice.

And that's it for our GG Thanksgiving. Show returns in two weeks with what looks to be an OMFGG episode: Winter Ball, teen drama, an accident, love triangles, and SERENA!!!!!! Excited? You should be. I will leave you with some quotable quotes.

"Mom you DVR Big Love. This is Aaron, and he's just like Bill Paxton, except younger..and with scruff"--B to S about how she should explain Aaron to Lily.

"Where's Warren Jeffs?"--B to S about Aaron. Zing!

"I don't know about you, but the Serena I know has long flowing blonde hair, towers over both of us."--Dan to Aaron. Yes! She! Does!

"You lied to him." "No I didn't. I merely chose not to tell him everything I ever did."--Chuck and S.

"Dan perhaps you and I should talk in private to discuss who said what to whom and why they felt compelled to day it."--S to Dan. He is still afraid of her.

"How did you get so wise?" "The Nanny."--Lily and Eric. What a nice mother son moment.

"Stop. Let's drunk instead."--Chuck to Nate after Nate tries to give him a hug. Hah.

Clip of the Day: Wouldn't This Have Been Funny?

Because who wouldn't want to see him bring turkey back?:

Clip of the Day: Review This Record Warden

Because this was ridiculous. I love The Soup:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SHONDA RHIMES?!!!

I think I made my feelings very clear yesterday about the whole Izzie-Denny thing on Grey's. I would let it go, except that Ausiello over at ew.com is reporting that Jeffrey Dean Morgan's current arc is a 5 episode one, meaning that Denny will be in 3 MORE EPISODES. 3 MORE EPISODES OF DEAD DENNY AND IZZIE. 3 MORE EPISODES OF THEIR BIZARRE SUPERNATURAL INTERACTIONS ON A SHOW THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT DOCTORS HOOKING UP. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU SHONDA? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. Why are you trying to destroy your show? Was Gizzie not bad enough? Was the awful ferry boat/Meredith dying arc not bad enough for you? Wht are you doing this? WHY?!!!! We put this Denny shit to bed three years ago and you're bringing it back now? Why would you do that? Why? And for 5 FUCKING EPISODES?!!!!!

Ausiello was also kind enough to remind us of comments Shonda made back over the summer about Izzie's storyline for this season:

"Izzie's got a love story, and it's a big one," she told TV Guide back in August, "one that I've been kicking around in my head for a bit, one that required me to take a huge leap of faith in myself, one that is so secret that I have not told anyone. Not the writers, not anyone."

Oh course she didn't tell anyone, because they would say she was BAT SHIT CRAZY. There's a difference between a leap of faith and jumping over the edge, and she's obviously chosen the latter. I can't believe that Denny is going to be in another three episodes. I'm disgusted with this show. I really hope Izzie has a brain tumor, because a medical answer to this psychoticness is the only thing that could possibly make this storyline palatable. Either that or Izzie getting hit by a bus. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.

Clip of the Day: YES!!!!!!!

Because SHE'S BACK!!:

I'd Take Jennifer Aniston to Night Court Any Time ;)

Jennifer Aniston is hot and I love her. I just wanted to start with that. I thought tonight's episode of 30 Rock was good (not as good as last week, but good), and that was mostly due to Aniston's hilarious turn as Claire, Liz's and Jenna's bat shit crazy (in a good way) old roommate who develops a crush on Jack. She and Jack engage in a brief passionate affair, where she does crazy things, like break into his house and dress up as a maid, and then make crazy threats about what she'll do if Jack leaves her. I cannot do it justice in the few words, I have here, so I would suggest checking it on Hulu. I will say that Aniston has not lost a beat since she stopped playing Rachel four years ago.

In the B-plot, Kenneth freaks out about his new page uniform, which is apparently a nice suit that makes him look good. This leads Tracy to film a Night Court reunion special to cheer him up. Yeah. The only bright spot was that they actually brought in a couple of the actors from Night Court. I apologize for not knowing their names, but I remember being very young and watching Night Court and liking it, so it was nice to see them again.

Other funny things:

• The random guys clapping at Cerie as she walked by.
• The fact that Jennifer Aniston was a hat designer, because she probably started doing it to cover up the crazy in her head.
• Jen suggesting a three-way between her, Liz, and Jack.
• Kenneth jumping up at the end to try to freeze frame. Such an 80s thing to do.
• Liz's hair when she went to the club, because who braids their bangs? (I'm not even sure if I'm describing right, but it looked awful.)

I apologize for keeping it brief, but I must go to bed. I will leave you with some quotes:

"I just got a call from security." "What that's ridiculous, why would I steal a file from personnel?"--Liz and Jenna. Jenna is bat shit too.

"She's like a human macarena, something everyone did at parties in 1996."--Liz about Claire (Rachel) Zing!

"What's wrong Ken? You've got wife eyes."--Tracy

"Last time I was blindfolded was when I had to play piano at the weird masquerade party."--Kenneth. Oh Kenneth.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "(Yelling) If I kill myself it is all your fault."--Jack and Claire. Oh Jack, she's got you for the long haul now

"That idiot werewolf payed for my hand reduction surgery, ok."--Jenna

"Oh please stop, don't make that angry muppet face at him."--Claire to Liz. Zing!

SHE'S BAAAAAAAAACK

About ten minutes into tonight's episode of The Office, I was ready to write the show off. I was ready to tell it to pack its bags and get out of my house. I was ready to tell it that if I ever saw it's opening sequence around here again I would kick the ever-loving shit out of it and make sure that it would be eating through a tube for the next three years. Yup, I was ready to do that if they were actually going to make Pam STAY IN NY FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS. Because in magic Office time it would turn out to be like 4 seasons. Fortunately, though, I didn't have to do any of those things, because, boys and girls, PAM IS BACK IN SCRANTON!!!!!! Can I get a WOO HOO! (WOO HOO!) Can I get a WHOO FREAKING HOO! (WOO FREAKING HOO!). Now that she's back I feel like the season is going to end with Jim and Pam getting married at what was supposed to be Andy and Angela's wedding. Mark my words, I think there's a real good shot of this happening.

Ok, on to the night's other plot: Michael has to take a business trip to Canada, and like all things Michael does, he's acts like a person who has no knowledge of the world or existence in doing so. Seriously, two suticases of souvenirs? From Canada? Canada is like America except colder and with better healthcare. And people say "Aboot" instead of "About." It's no Mexico. In all fairness, though, the trip was supposed to distract Michael from losing Holly, which worked for a while. Heck, Michael even hooked up with the concierge (who had a strange, non-Canadian accent.....weird). In the end, though, he layed into his boss for taking Holly away, which was nice, albeit completely impossible in the real world.

I liked Oscar and Andy bonding. Andy needs more friends. It also led to a little reveal: Andy still has not had sex with Angela (not that big a surprise). I loved Oscar asking Andy what's wrong with Angela and then getting him to call her. And you all her Dwight on the phone as well, right? That sly dog, moving in while Andy's away. I just don't get why Angela is insisting on this farce. It's completely unecessary.

Finally, Ryan and Kelly annoy the crap out of me. I wish they would stop. That is all. I will leave you with some quotes, and one final exclamation: WELCOME BACK, PAM BEESLEY!!!!!!!


"In Japan, you have to committ suicide to avoid embarassment."--Michael Scott. Sure.

"Look I know my way around a van. That is just a van."--Meredith. Oh I bet you do.

"A concierge, is the Winnipeg equivalent of a Geisha."--Michael Scott. This unfortunately turns out to be sort of true.

"That was real?! I thought I dreamed that!"--Andy, about calling Angela. Hahaha.

"A boss that will not fire you even though you just tell him off right to his face over the phone. That's respect."--Michael. I wish I could do that sometimes.

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING, WE ARE GOING TO DEATHCON LEVEL 10

Well I think we saw tonight what happens when you make Shonda Rhimes really mad. Isaiah Washington made her mad and got written off the show. But Katherine Heigl? Ooh lordy she did something much worse (which we know was complaining about her storyline). Shonda must be M-A-D. That's the only explanation for what she's doing to the character of Izzie Stevens. You all thought we had hit bottom with the whole Gizzie thing? Nope this one is so much worse. Why? IZZIE IS TALKING TO DEAD PEOPLE. And by people I mean Denny. Seriously, I thought we were done with this storyline. I don't feel like reliving it. Unfortunately that crazy Shonda disagrees. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for torturing Izzie. As a character she sucks. But seriously, having her talk to and interact with her dead fiancee? Come on. That's not even remotely believable. Grey's has never been about reality, but this is just too much. Mark your calendars, because tonight was the point of no return for this show. I don't see how anyone can continue watching after this. This show has so far jumped the shark that it probably jumped the sea lion, the giant squid, and the whale as well. I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK? Bitch is destroying Denny's memory. I HATE IT. UGGHHHHHHHHHH. Oh, and given that she was talking normally with a DEAD PERSON, the BSCI Index has reached a 10.

Izzie wasn't the only big problem with tonight's episode. The whole Hahn departure thing has me pretty pissed off. Erica Hahn is not the kind of woman who would just up and quit her job because she had a fight with her girlfriend. She was all business all the time at the hospital. If anything, she would have gone after the Chief and gotten him in trouble for the Izzie cover-up, because she's a woman with principles and she's a fighter. Instead of a logical resolution, however, we get a classic Grey's deus ex machina and Hahn is gone, leaving Callie to mope around and then breakdown after her patient (who she built legs for...awesome) dies. That ain't right. Not fair to Callie. Nope.

While Hahn is gone, apparently her place as the other blonde doctor is being filled by Sadie (we don't learn her last name), Meredith's friend from before medical school, played by the magnificent Melissa George. Many of you will remember her as the heinously evil Lauren Reid on Alias. Apparently she's supposed to channel a bit of crazy for her new role as well. A little bit more about Sadie: she and Mer have pet names for each other: Death and Die. She used to work in a morgue. She likes taking risks. She also likes crashing Lexie's secret surgery club, taking off her shirt, cutting her back, and asking people to stitch her up. I doubt her character is long for this world. We can't have two bat shit crazy blond doctors (not that Sadie is bat shit yet, but she may be headed there). She's an unnecessary addition to an already bloated cast. Ughh. (Still love Melissa George though, even though she was the bitch who took Vaughn away from Sydney.)

Ok, now that I'm done complaining let's talk about the bright spots:

• Derek and Meredith. Their relationship is so cute now. I love that they're asking each other to do things and then they do them. And I like that Derek is making Mer care about Lexie because she needs someone at this point because......
• Shit is going to hit the fan for Lexie's little surgery lab. I mean seriously, how much longer is she going to get away with it? Not much, if the previews for next week are any indication. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD PEOPLE. The Chief is going to lose his shit when he finds out. I CAN'T WAIT.
• Cristina and Dr. Major Hunt. They have some serious chemistry. You could see it when he was tying her gown in the ambulance bay at the beginning of the episode. You could also see it when they made out at the end (after a little bit of yelling on his part). He's the opposite of Burke and exactly what she needs right now.
• Cristina being jealous of Sadie, because she would get like that.
• Virginia Dixon, played by the fabulous Mary McDonnell. I liked how she played the character, who has Asperger's (a form of autism). I think she would be an interesting presence in the hospital over the long term, so they need to figure out how to make that happen (supposedly she's back next week, so I'll have more to say then). My favorite part: when she told Bailey she didn't like the hospital at all. Not many people do right now, Dr. Dixon, not many do.
  

Also, one more for the don't like list: the pairing of Lexie and Sloan, which looks like it may happen. Derek and Mark are not meant to be brothers in law. This feels like a random pairing and I do not like it.

Time for a few quotes:

"So she's your pre-Cristina Cristina?"--Derek to Mer about Sadie.

"We have rules and rules are rules and laws are laws. No."--Crazy Dr. Dixon to the patient asking for his heart back.

"Were the other ones taken off my case?" "Not that I'm aware of." "Then why are you talking to me?" --Dr. Awesome Dixon to Cristina

"So who wants to stitch me up?"--Crazy Sadie after stripping her top off and cutting her back. Sex metaphor anyone?

"I need you to tell Mark to keep his little Sloan out of little Grey."--Mer to Der. Sex metaphor.

"Shut it down."--Cristina to the interns. Jack Donaghy say the same thing all the time too.

Grey's is on life support, makr my words, and I'm not sure it's going to be able to recover.

Clip of the Day: A Little Evidence

Because look at how Glenn Close goes from 0-Bitch in like 2 seconds:

No, Glenn Close, Please Don't Hurt Me!

Variety.com reported today that Damages will return to FX on Wednesday, January 7th. I'm torn by this news. It makes me both happy and scared. I'm happy because Damages is one of my favorite shows and one of the top 5 dramas on TV. It's well written, well acted, and slickly filmed. In short, it's amazing. At the same time, though, I'm scared because I don't want my Glenn Close nightmares to start again. The woman is a consummate actress and makes Patty Hewes a very scary lady. So scary in fact that there were a couple nights during the first season run where I would have nightmares about Patty Hewes trying to kill me. Yeah. I guess I'll just have to find a way to deal, because I will DEFINITELY be watching when it comes back. I've included a couple of the new seasons trailers below, and they look GOOD. Can you say excited?

Clip of the Day: Baby Got Back

Because I miss Friends and this is funny:

Another Sign of the Apocalypse. Shame on you, HIMYM!

In general, I don't mind stunt castings. Sure, they make the show doing it seem a little desperate, but its usually funny and often involves another celebrity that people get excited to see. HIMYM used stunt casting to great effect last season with Britney Spears' turn as Abby, Stella's crazy receptionist. Brit turned in a pretty good comedic performance and helped boost the vastly underrated show's ratings. HIMYM should have stopped while they were ahead. Over the past few days, news has broken that Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, and Kim Kardashian will be guest starring in an upcoming episode. To which I say: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I don't really have a problem with Kim K since I kind of like her show on E! (her family is a train wreck-y hoot), but anything, ANY THING that gives that overexposed pair of morons any additional press is not ok with me. Spencer Pratt is one of the most awful people I have ever seen on television. Dude needs a fucking job and a fucking life. And that Stepford bitch Heidi is an evil famewhore who needs to dump her loser boyfriend and grow a personality. UGHHHH I HATE THEM. I hate them so much, in fact, that I will probably watch the episode they appear in with baited breath and then rip them apart afterward. I guess this means the stunt casting will work. Fuck.

Clip of the Day: Don't Fuck With Stewie

Because he's one scary little baby:

Aww, Sock

Fact: People freak out when the see babies. No one ever looks at a baby and says "Oh, a baby, whatever." Nope, people either say "Awww, look at that cute little baby, it's so small and nice..........I WANT A CHILD," or "Oh god, a baby, the sign of committment and responsibility......GET IT A WAY FROM ME!!!!" Me, I usually oscillate between both answers. Tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother saw some firm arguments from both sides of what I'll call the Great Baby Divide. Barney, who narrowly escaped becoming a father himself, invented a holiday to celebrate not being a father, appropriately titled Not-A-Father's Day. Robin, channeling her inner disgruntledness at being homeless and unemployed, makes a lot of convincing arguments about why people should be scared of babies. Ted, whom Robin and Lily peg as a dorky dad who has yet to have kids, comes up with a bunch of reasons of why people should become parents. Marshall and Lily vacillate on the issue before deciding they are not yet at a point in their lives where they can have kids. To which I say bravo, because they are so deep in debt that having a kid would make it infinitely harder to get out of it. Fortunately for the audience, they don't at arrive at this decision until after Lily gets really drunk on wine and shows up at Marshall's office, asks him to inseminate her, makes a big mess, throws up, runs up and down the hallway, and passes out in a cab. Awesome. In the end, though, Barney and Robin are brought over to the baby-loving side as a result of a little baby sock, which induces cries of "Awwwwww" in all who touch it. The sock even makes Barney sing Cat's Cradle at a karaoke bar in the post-credit sequence. Brilliant.

Tonight's episode also gave us another one of Barney's gems of wisdom: The Cheerleader Effect. The Cheerleader Effect states that the overall attractiveness of a group of girls is greater than the sum of its by virtue of their being together. If one looks at each member of the group individually, one will find that upon closer inspection each girl is not as attractive as she originally appeared. The Cheerleader Effect, also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, also applies to men as well. Personally, I think we're looking at the basis for a Nobel Prize, but that's just me.

Two other things I liked:
(1) Robin moving in with Ted, which was foretold in the Ted's Birthday episode last season. I love that this show sticks with continuity, unlike some other shows that will remain nameless.
(2) Robin pouring beer into her ice cream to watch a TiVoed episode of The View. I don't even need to explain that one.

And our Quotable Quotes for the evening:
"You hated me?" "A lot." "Aww."--Robin and Lily after describing how all girls hate other pretty girls pon first meeting.

"Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than a 110%. If one my little Michael Phelpses got loose, he's swimming for the gold."--Barney. Shouldn't Barney have 13 kids at this point then?

"You better not be as uptight as these idiots about me shooting beer cans on the roof. 'Oh, it hurts my ears.' 'The neighbors called the cops.' 'You almost hit me.' " "Enjoy her Ted, she's in a real good place now."--Robin and Marshall. I love that Robin loves guns.

" 'Dinner' is a baby." "Lily, that's horrible!"--Lily and Robin. Hehe.

"Check out the illustration." "Oh, it appears to be some sort of Asian hooker." "Yes, because on Not-A-Father's Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear. Word-play five!" --Barney and Marshall. Sex Metaphor.

"Put you melon-headed spawn in my belly."--Lily

All in all, loved the episode. Not the best one (that title still goes to Slap Bet), but still one of the best comedies on air. On a closing note, I apologize to you, my faithful readers, for not being as diligent about my HIMYM posts as I am about some other shows. I will do better.

Gossip Girl Characters are Like Onions. They Have Layers.

Well, well, well boys and girls, after all the hijinks of the past few weeks, our favorite little show slowed things down this week with an episode that was rife with intimate conversations, feelings, moral dilemmas, and scheming. Heck, even Blair's birthday party was a snoozefest. Now that's not to say I thought tonight's episode was boring. On the contrary, I thought tonight was a nice change of pace and let us see some some other facets of our favorite teenagers. Let's take them one by one:

Queen B:
Boy, oh, boy was Queen B clicking tonight. There were none of those whiny histrionics she flew into last week. Nope, tonight she was alternately sweet and manipulative and pouty and I loved it. Her reaction to Cyrus was classic Blair: pout, scheme, manipulate, regret, reconcile, make some witty quips, and then back to pout when something else doesn't go her way. I have to say, amazing acting on Leighton Meester's part tonight and amazing job the writers as well, because the scene where she tells her mother that Cyrus was a cheater was perfect. I still can't tell if Blair told Eleanor just to hurt her or because she wanted to get rid of Cyrus, although I'm not sure that Blair knew either which again underscores the acting. Also, loved her reaction to Cyndi Lauper. Because even Queen B's get starstruck.

The Queen of the Universe (New Serena):
New Serena was on my nerves tonight. What you didn't think that was possible? You thought I was so blinded by New Serena's beauty and awesomeness that I would never have a harsh word for her? So did I, but then she had to go act all dumb old Serena for most of the episode that (1) I almost fell asleep it was so boring and (2) I wanted to shake her for being so dumb. She just eats up Aaron's excuses like candy. Can't you see he's playing you S? HE SAYS AS MUCH TO YOU. For a second we saw a glimmer of New Serena when she walked out on him during his date with that other girl (he and Serena weren't supposed to hang out until tomorrow. Jackass.) But then she took him back. Without any kind of committment. I'm sorry but New Serena doesn't stand for this kind of crap. Wake up, S! Remember when you were a huge bitch five episodes ago? Go back to that. I've got to say though that Blake Lively is ridiculously beautiful. Those stills of her during Aaron's foreplay, I mean, uh, photoshoot, were amazing. A-freaking-mazing. Marry me please and I will never look at another girl ever.

The Siblings I Love to Hate and Hate to Love:
What the fuck is it with the Humphreys? They are so wishy washy it makes me want to die inside. Let's start with Little J. Little J has moved in with that crazy Agnes so that they continue working on their fashion line, except that crazy Agnes keeps ruining the meetings with investors by acting all petulant and crazy. What does Little J do? Steal Agnes' contact list and strike a deal on her own. For a time, Little J seemed awesome. This does not last, however, since that crazy Agnes finds out about Little J's "betrayal" (I'm sorry, Agnes, but she is the vision of the line, you should just ride her coattails for a while and then try to get a reality show) and strikes back. She burns all of Little J's dresses right in front of her. What does Little J do? Cry and call Agnes crazy. Seriously, Jenny, punch the bitch in her fucking face. You're already homeless, you might as well feel better about it. Plus you'd be taking away her looks which are her livelihood. Fair trade if you ask me. So after losing all of those damn dresses which were so important last week, Little J returns home to Rufus to make her awful bitchy faces and talk in a weird, almost creepy seductive voice to HER DAD, to try to get him to sign papers to allow her to have her fashion line. Rufus refuses because he's still dumb enough to think he can control the hot mess that is his daughter (seriously she needs to wash her hair and get rid of that eye make up......or star in the third sequel to The Grudge, either will do), so Little J decides to try to emancipate herself from her parents so that she can sign the papers herself. This will end well I'm sure.

As for the other awful Humphrey sibling, Dan gets his recommendation letter after writing the story about Chuck Bass. Things get more interesting when the writer guy introduces Dan to his friend at New York magazine (which coincidentally writes an awesome GG blog...nice shout out, show) who wants Dan to write a tell-all story about Bart Bass. This leaves Dan with a moral dilemma: further his career and hurt people, or be the nice guy and don't. Hmm, I wonder how this will play out? As expected, Dan balks at writing the story, which would have revealed that Bart had burned down a building for insurance money, since Chuck says it will destroy the family. In an interesting twist, however, Dan gives Bart the story he wrote about Chuck, leading to a detente between father and son. Who knew Dan could do something that would make me hate him less? Only a little less though.

Other stuff I liked:

• Dan putting down Rufus to get in with Bart. I bet he learned that from Blair.
• Agnes' sunglasses, which made her look like Yoko Ono.
• The brief appearance of Nelly Yuki (Nelly Yuki!)
• Cyrus. Anything that gives Wallace Shawn work is fine by me.
  
• Not having to see that annoying ho Vanessa
• Not having to see that dumb shit Nate
• All of the references to fictional NY, because I think there are often too many to count or even realize. Tonight we had references to Annie, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and Barefoot in the Park, and those are the ones I caught.
  

Things I did not like:

• That ugly fuck Aaron who is too ugly for Serena and needs to stop jerking her around.
  
• The lack of Lily? Where was she?
• Blair continuing to dress like an old lady. Girl, you'll be a cougar one day, no need to rush it.
  

And for our quotable quotes of the evening:

"One thing my mom has is good taste in men."--Blair, tempting fate.

"Dorota are you insane?" "I don't know." "You used the everyday china. Cyrus will think we're common upper-middle class."--B and Dorota, because apparently your china says a lot about your socioeconomic status.

"You just grew a pair, Humphrey, don't lose them now."--Noah Shapiro. Truer words were never spoken.

"I want you to pose for me."--Aaron to S. That was totally a sex metaphor.

"Spotted: S and A bringing sexyback to time Times Square."--GG. A reference to my favorite song ever? Yes that's my head you hear exploding.

"He's 5 feet tall, he has a catch phrase, and he's a hugger."--Blair about her Eleanor's boyfriend.

"You need to chill out. Take a Xanax or a tequila shot or something."--Agnes to Little J just before she threw up. Little J could use a drug problem, that would give her an excuse for looking so bad.

"Jillian, Chuck Bass." "I've never thought I'd hear from you again." "Frankly neither did I."--Chuck and some girl. Zing!

"Screw Grace Kelly, I need to scheme." "Oh no."--B and Dorota. I love Dorota.

"Your mother is a diamond in an ocean of coal."--Cyrus about Eleanor

"Hazel, I can hear your desperation from the other room."--B. Zing!

"Miss Blair, where are you going?" "I wanted a Harry Winston choker for my birthday and instead I got a conscience."--Dorota and B.

"Poor Little Orphan Jenny. Looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks, but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees. At leat not a tree that grows in Brooklyn."--GG. So many references.

"You believe in long hair, peasant skirts, and sandals, but you in an open relationship? I don't think so."--B to S, after S says she could be a hippy. As if.

Looks like next week Nate and Vanessa return for the all important Thanksgiving episode. I'll try to keep my disdain to a minimum.

Set Your DVRs.....

....LOST returns Wednesday, January 21, 2009 at 8 p.m. with a two-hour event. Can you say excited? I can. Here's a little something to hold you over until then (spoiler warning, if haven't seen the season 4 finale, do not watch):

Clip of the Day: Oh, Peter

Because only Peter Griffin would do something like this:

Clip of the Day, Part Deux: Role Playing

Because I couldn't not put this one up as well because it too is still hilarious the morning after:

Cliip of the Day: Social Experiment

Because this is still hilarious the morning after:

Oprah Really Can Solve All Problems

This is the episode I was waiting for. While I enjoyed last week's season premiere of 30 Rock, I thought it was a little slow. That was not the case tonight. Not at all. Because tonight we had OPRAH. Or at least what Liz thought was Oprah but was actually a 12 year old girl (I really want those pills Liz took on the plane, I bet they're wonderful). I loved that Liz went all word vomit as soon as Oprah sat down, because I bet people do that to her all the time. I mean women flip their shit for her. You've seen those Oprah's Favorite Things episodes. You know. I also loved how Liz thought everything was going to be ok because "Oprah is coming." That's like when I say "Everything's going to be fine," and then start laughing like a crazy person (those of you who work with me know what I'm talking about). But everything was ok in the end, because the little girl who wasn't Oprah got Tracy and Jenna to make up. That proved my theory that merely saying Oprah's name will make good things happen (basically the opposite of the whole Bloody Mary thing).

Other things I thought were good:

• Tracy dressed as a white woman because (1) it reminded me of Tyra (2) it reminded me of a blond version of the little girl from The Ring (3) it reminded me of those "I'm Carol" sketches from SNL (4) it was hilarious. Jenna in blackface, not so much.
  
• Jack tempting Kenneth to steal cable. Because obviously he was going to crack. everyone cracks in the face of cable. CABLE IS ALL THAT MATTERS. (I kinda like TV, but I'm guessing you guys already know that).
• The whole "Who has it harder, black men or women?" thing, because I know Tina Fey knew this episode was going to air after the election and she wanted to get some last minute digs in. Not that she doesn't love Obama now, because we all do.
• The women following Liz around after she told them about Oprah, because I could totally see them doing shit like that in real life.
  

Things I did not like:

• The stuff about faking Olympic events, because that's not cool (although if it meant I wouldn't have to watch diving, then I'm all for it.)

And I think that's it. Now time for quotes:

"Comanaprasil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime." "It's very good."--Liz and Jack

"Do you know who I am? Seriously, tell me who I am."--Tracy Jordan in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese

"I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I can read thoughts."--Liz Lemon in her Princess Leia costume getting out of jury duty. Yes it is just as ridiculously awesome as it sounds.

"Oh I don't believe in hypothetical situations, Mr. Donaghy. It's like lying to your brain."--Kenneth.

"Oh would you say 'Please welcome Liz Lemonnnnnn.'" "No."--Liz and Oprah

"This is worse than when you wore your shorts to work."--Jack to Liz about Jenna dressed as a black man and Tracy dressed as a white woman with a monster hand. I can't really see Liz in shorts being worse

"Oprah smells like rose water and warm laundry."--Liz to the minions following her around. I also bet she smells like money.

"Is Sponge Bob Square Pants supposed to be terrifying?"--Kenneth. Yes, Kenneth, yes he is.

I really enjoyed tonight's episode and I can't wait for next week. 30 Rock is back!

I AM GOING TO KILL THAT GUY ALEX ON THE OFFICE

Warning: The item below is not a traditional recap, because I was blind with rage at the end of tonight's episode of The Office. If you do not like profanity, I advise you to stop reading now.

I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW IT. PAM HAS BEEN IN NEW YORK FOREVER. It has been much longer than three months. They can't keep pretending it has only been less than two months. Does the show exist in some magical pocket of the space-time continuum where one months lasts five million years? WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! SHE SHOULD BE BACK ALREADY. But she's not. Do you know why she's not? SO THE FUCKING WRITERS/PRODUCERS CAN PLANT SEEDS OF DOUBT ABOUT JIM AND PAM'S RELATIONSHIP. WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!! It was bad enough they kept them apart for the better part of three years. And finally when it seemed like they were going to sail off into their happy sunset, they ship Pam off to relationship purgatory. But then they made us think everything was going to be ok. THEY LET JIM PROPOSE. And then she stayed, in NY for another episode, and another episode, and another episode. And the kept showing her with that chubby schlub Alex. And making us nervous. And making us worry. And keeping us unsettled. AND THEN THOSE FUCKS TONIGHT MAKE THAT SONOFABITCH TELL PAM TO STAY IN NY. I SWEAR I WILL FIND HIM AND KILL HIM. HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS FUCKING MOUTH AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM PAM. IF PAM AND JIM SPLIT UP I WILL NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER WATCH THIS FUCKING SHOW AGAIN. I understand that they're trying to portray the Jim/Pam relationship realistically, BUT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS THOSE SHIT EATING ASSHOLES. NOTHING ELSE ON THIS SHOW IS REALISTIC. NO ONE WOULD EVER GET AWAY WITH ACTING LIKE THESE PSYCHOS IN REAL LIFE. THEY WOULD GET FIRED. SO IF THEY'RE GOING TO CONTINUE WITH THE FARCE THAT IS THE SCRANTON BRANCH OF DUNDER MIFFLIN (which I do indeed really love) THEY CAN AT LEAST LET JIM AND PAM HAVE THEIR HAPPY ENDING. I SWEAR I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET BREAKING THEM UP SHOW IF YOU DO. I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET IT!!!!! THAT IS A PROMISE!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride

"Uh oh." That was my first thought when I saw the promos for this week's Grey's. Why, you ask? Because they referenced the whole Izzie stealing a heart plotline. You remember, the last time Izzie went bat shit crazy. The reason I created the BSCI index. Well, boys and girls, tonight the Bat Shit One was out in full force and anyone with any sense should have run for cover. But they didn't. And I have a feeling in the coming weeks they will wish they had.

Tonight our favorite crazy had to help the patient who was supposed to get the heart she stole for Denny. Yeah. Not good. Even worse, Hahn finally found out what Izzie had done. Even worse, Hahn went berserk and demanded the Chief punish her further and even threatened to report Izzie to UNOS, which would mean the hospital would lose it's status as a transplant center. Even worse, Hahn made Izzie continue to work with the patient and told her she would be personally responsible if he died. But worst of all, and I do mean this in every sense of the word worst, the Bat Shit One started seeing Denny all over the hospital, staring at her and not saying word. Now where I come from seeing dead people is not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. Also not a good thing--talking to yourself. But our girl here did a lot of both tonight. And given the way the episode ended, I don't think either of those things will stop anytime soon. For that reason,I'm going to move BSCI index up to 9.5 , if only because we avoided the histrionics of the whole heart-stealing plot. This is very bad boys and girls, although maybe just maybe, Izzie will completely lose it and have to get shipped off to a mental hospital and thus out of our lives forever. We can only hope.

Elsewhere in Seattle Grace, Dr. Major Hunt awesomely tried to teach the residents to be professionals. It was like he said everything every viewer has ever thought was wrong with the way they practice medicine. At first I thought it was because of the weird tension he had with Cristina, but no, he's just an awesome good person. I loved how he tried to ream her at the end (probably because he couldn't understand how he could be attracted to someone so awful) and Cristina's whole response, which was just pitch perfect acting by Sandra Oh. She basically told him matter-of-factly that's she's so all in on the life saving thing because she watched her father die, felt his heart stop beating, when she was nine years old. I could never understand what that would feel like, but it definitely makes her driveness make sense, and also helps us understand why she's such a bitch sometimes (because deep down she does care, but she's so emotionally screwed up--like everyone else on this show--that she doesn't express feelings correctly). And that look Dr. Major Hunt had afterwards? Dude is in love. I give them three episodes max before they're doing it.

Other things I liked:

• Derek getting Sloan to seduce Cristina and Sloan failing miserably. Because as if.
• The Chief screwing with George while working on the surgery doll. Hilarious.
• The interns peforming medical procedures on themselves, only because I know it's not going to end well.
• The sweet old couple, because they were adorable.
• Ellis' journals being nothing more than a play-by-play of her surgical career. Mer could totally get them published as textbooks and get rich.

Things I did not like:

• This episode being the end of Hahn and Callie and the last we see of Hahn, because regardless of how you feel about lesbians, the character and the actress deserved better (if you have no idea what I'm talking about I suggest you check Michael Ausiello's EW.com article on the subject from Monday).
• Lexie being creepy and getting all those corpses into an empty room. Because while I admire her effort, I agree with Bailey: that was WRONG.
• The Mer voice overs, which sounded like babbling.
  

Quote time:

"The counseling is a good move. Addison and I did counseling." "Right before you got divorced."--Derek and Bailey

"I need you to have sex with Cristina Yang." "Good Morning."--Derek and Sloan

"Tell Stevens to find me so I can permanently throw her off my service."--Hahn

"Bow to me I am the Queen of the Interns. I have assembled an army of the dead to teach us things."--Lexie

"I see dead people."--Cristina walking into the secret cadaver lab. Amazing.

"When your dead mommy teaches you things, can you see her?"--Izzie to Mer. She's so crazy

"That woman is not a single malt scotch, my friend. She is bad cheap wine that gives you a headache you can feel in your teeth."--Sloan about Yang

So what did you all think? I'm torn because I HATE IZZIE but I like watching her go crazy. It looks like her spiral will continue next week, according to the previews. You've been warned.

Clip of the Day: The Drawer

Because I needed something happy and cheesy on what is shaping up to be a long day:

Clip of the Day: Victory

Because YES WE CAN and YES WE DID:

Clip of the Day: Don't Let This Happen

Because voting today will be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU EVER DO EVER. EVER! :

Everyone Loves A Homeless Teenage Fashion Designer

Ok so I didn't have a lot of time to write this post as I was preparing my apartment for an election night party, but basically: Jenny had a fashion show that Nate kissed her for and Rufus tried to get her arrested for and Dan got judgmental for and she ran away from home for and was still wearing a ton of eye shadow and mullets for. Dan got inspired by Jenny to sell his soul to get ahead, but remained judgmental and kicked Nate out of the loft for kissing Jenny. Vanessa was still whiny and irritating (surprise) and Rufus still has no idea how to communicate with his daughter (surprise again). Serena tries to get to Blair into Yale by forcing her to babysit some middle-aged adulteress's daughter, but all the little girl wants to do is give away her virginity to the first guy who will take because it's some weird way of getting revenge on her mother. This leads Blair to get whiny, then get scheming, and Serena to parade her magnificent cleavage around for most of the episode, while Chuck stood back and helped and watched them both. Here are your quotes. PLEASE VOTE, and sorry for the short post.


"He's still acting like he didn't stick his tongue down your throat?" "Yeah, eww."--Agnes and Little J

"I recognized you the moment you walked into the gallery." "No you didn't, but it's ok." "Some faces you don't forget."--S and Aaron.

"I spy with my little lie, someone getting busted."--GG

"Oh my god, stop your mouth from moving."--Blair to little girl

"I'm saying TTFN to my you know what."--Little girl

"I've got a credit card and a fake ID and I want Bacardi and a boy. This body is open for business."--Little girl

"Next time leave the scheming to the experts."--B to S.

"I'm Chuck--" "Bass. Oh my god I read about you on Gossip Girl. You're like the devil." "Finally some truth in advertising."--Chuck and Little Girl

"Spotted: Bass taking the bait. Jailbait that is."--GG

"Serena, you should have called. Don't worry we have a table for you."--Bar owner to S.

"Piece of advice, lose the tulip."--Chuck to creepy guy.

"Looks like it's bros before hos for little J. Who knew when her loyalty kicked in, Nate would be kicked out."--GG

"B, it's time to get up. There are other schools besides Yale, like Princeton." "Princeton is a trade school, there's only Yale."--S and B. Haha.

Clip of the Day: I Hate Undecided Voters

Because while this clip is an exaggeration, it's not too far from the truth: