Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Diversity on Television?

I rarely use this space to talk seriously about anything (save for my affection for all things related to the Boobs, which is totally serious and for real.) That being said, a friend of mine did a little data mining to look at the relative dearth of minority leads on the fall schedule. I really hadn't given this much thought, but she's right, there really aren't that many minority characters on network TV these days. What do you all think? Is that bothersome? Discuss.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Gossip Girl: Wait, WTF?

Um, looks like last week's episode was an aberration, because Gossip Girl has returned to its boring, fucking bad ways. Things were not clicking for me at all tonight, from Vanessa completely missing the chance to act like an interesting person to Chuck and Blair making me want to die inside to Georgina totally passing up the opportunity to use the line "I won't be ignored, Dan." (Seriously, why the fuck aren't we getting the Fatal Attraction episode next week? Even The O.C. did one.) I'm digressing. Let's dive into what didn't work this week:

Creepy Scott and The Poorly Resolved Plot. So Creepy Scott was finally, finally found out this week, and by Vanessa nonetheless. (There is a brain under that mop of fake dreads after all!) Creepy Scott asked her to keep his secret until he could talk to his adopted parents, but Vanessa, being the I'm-all-up-in-everybody's-business-all-the-time-because-I-have-no-life-of-my-own beeotch she is, immediately, like IMMEDIATELY runs to tell Dan, but can't tell him because Georgina shows up. Meanwhile, Creepy Scott, who had been creepily spending time with Rufus without telling him anything, decides to go to the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK with Vanessa where he will have the opportunity to tell Rufus the truth. Just when you think the truth is about to come out, Scott's adopted mom shows up and tells him how much she loves him. This leads Scott to (1) tell Rufus that he is not the lovechild, but the lovechild's brother and (2) immediately move back to Boston. Wait, what the fuck? We had to watch this douche for three weeks only to have NOTHING HAPPEN. Bitch, please. Go fuck yourself, show. While leaving, Scott asks Vanessa to keep the secret. Yeah, douchebag, because she'll be as good at that as she is at not drinking coffee. Which is not good at all. Because Vanessa loves two things: coffee and everybody else's business. Fuck.

Relationships I'm Caring Less and Less About Every Week. Ok, Blair and Chuck are really getting on my nerves. For real, y'all. Their chemistry has seemed to completely dry up. Additionally, Chuck's new "I'm in a relationship" personality just makes him seem creepy. Like a Willy-Wonka-wannabe-who-has-escaped-from-the-asylum creepy. (Don't tell me that with all the purple and bow ties the idea has never crossed your mind. I know it has. STOP LYING.) We need to get these people some heat, stat. To be fair, they can still scheme with the best of them, and their plan to split up Carter and Serena was well thought out and well executed. (Fake room service charges and a fake one night stand? Well played.) I bet the scheming got them both really hot and bothered. Why couldn't they have shown us some of that? Speaking of Carter and Serena, here's what I think: they fucking suck. Why Serena continually goes after inaccessible or damaged men is beyond me. Oh wait, it's not, because in case you've been living under a rock for the last three episodes, Serena's daddy didn't love her. So she needs attention and excitement. Yeah, I really don't care. Ughh. I'm not even going to talk about the lack of boobs this week, I'm too depressed. (Side note: I was looking at the traffic sources for this blog, and one hit came from a gentleman who was searching Google for "Serena's boobs." Yeah, I feel justified, whatever.)

Please Don't Tell Me That's The Last We Saw of Georgina. Please? So I thought things were getting good when Blair walked in on Dan and Georgina. I thought things were getting better when Serena gave Dan her blessing to be with Georgina. And I thought things were getting ridiculously better when Dan tried to have the "Let's keep things casual talk." Yeah, it seemed like Georgina had him duped and was just keeping him warm until it was time to use him as her sacrifice to the god who comes. Until the show went and fucked it all up. Apparently Georgina was behind Blair and Chuck's fight over the photograph they were bidding on at the BIG EVENT OF THE WEEK, so in retaliation Serena told Dan about it, and Dan told Georgie they should cool things off. And what does Georgina do? FUCKING PACK HER BAG AND GO TO BOSTON. WHAT THE FUCK? THE DESKTOP OF HER COMPUTER WAS A PICTURE OF HER AND DAN. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO GOT FATAL ATTRACTION CRAZY ON HIM. NOT FUCKING GO OFF TO BOSTON WITH THE CREEPER. Fuck. No. I'm pretty sure Georgina's not even in next week's episode. Fuck that.

One Bright Spot. Apparently Carter did something to really fuck over Bre Buckley (you know Nate's new girlfriend. Oh you don't remember who Nate is? Because he's been onscreen for like 5 minutes total? Oh that's too bad.) Now this is the kind of intrigue I've been waiting to see play out.

As is my custom, here are your quotes. Don't be mad at me if they're not as good as last week's. Blame the show:

"I'm wearing a glove and I still want to wash my hands."--Blair, realizing that sock she pulled off the door was the signal that Dan and Georgina were going at it. Yeah.

"Dont think you can run me out of my room with a half naked Dan Humphrey." "Stay, watch, maybe you'll learn something."--Blair and Georgina. I already miss Georgina.

"If you want do Georgina, then more power to you. Just make sure there isn't an ice pick under the bed."--Serena to Dan. Ah, Basic Instinct references.

"I have an MBA from Tuck, I'm not the coat check girl."--Brunette girl. She's lucky, in this economy she might be.

"If you have any feelings for me, you won't say anything yet."--Creepy Scott to Vanessa. Dude, the only thing she has feelings for is being a busybody.

"Pity, I already have my bidding paddle." "Well, I'm sure we can find some other use for it."--Blair and Chuck. Eww and AWESOME all at the same time.

"She stole my shoes."--Chuck about Blair. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds.

"I want you to have this." "Why?" "Because I love you, you enormously stubborn pain in the ass."--Blair and Chuck about the picture. Vomiting now.

"Georgie and I go way back. The girl has an MBA in deviant behavior." --Brunette Girl

"How can you be so sure?" "Because you beleive in me."--Blair and Chuck. Oh wait, NOW I'm vomiting.

I didn't care for tonight's episode. Did you?

Now, there's something I need to tell all of you before I let you go, because you're going to need the full week to prepare yourselves. Tyra Banks will be guest starring on next week's episode. Yes, that's right. You heard me. THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US. SHE IS COMING. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. SAVE YOURSELVES.

How I Met Your Mother: Deja Vu All Over Again

Monday, Monday, and time for my Monday routine: How I Met Your Mother. HAPPY! Tonight's episode was, like last week's, a solid, not stellar effort, but enjoyable nonetheless. The theme tonight was repetition, whether that be, say, repeating a blind date with the same person, or, say, finding your doppelganger (a repeat of you). (Like what I did there?) There were three good things about tonight's episode, and one so-so thing. Let's start with the good:

  1. Stripper Lily. Did you really expect me to start with something else? If you did, well, you're a fool. Lily has a doppelganger who is stripper named Jasmine. Can we say AWESOME AND HILARIOUS? Yes, we can. What about the fact that they've encountered two other doppelgangers, Lesbian Robin and Mustache Marshall? EVEN FUNNIER. What about future Ted's voice over that the group would encounter the final two doppelgangers within the year? LEGENDARY. I love when the show sets up future inside jokes. (By the way, Show, I'm still waiting for the rest of the slaps.) The best thing about Stripper Lily, though, was regular Lily's unbridled excitement about her. We've always known Lily was kind of freaky-deaky, but to have the episode end with regular Lily up on stage in the stripper clothes and Stripper Lily talking to Marshall and asking for money to go shopping was priceless. Marshall, don't be too surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night and find Lily gone. She may just be acting out her fantasies. Speaking of which....
  2. Marshall fantasy-kills Lily before he fantasizes about other women. Say it with me now: AWWWWWW. Because only Marshall and Lily could make something that bizarre seem cute. I mean, he even goes so far as to make her have a chronic illness and he observes a multi-year mourning period before he lets himself give in to the fantasy of another girl. That's love. Bizarre, bizarre love. Funny, though, very funny.
  3. Ted going on the exact same blind date with the same girl. This is funny because (1) Ted would and (2) I like the actress that played Jen, although I cannot remember her name at the moment. Also, I loved the bit about them following their past selves around to figure out what they did wrong. Also, Ted on dates is kind of a tool. Criticizing the menu is toolish, as is the "check dance." Be a man and pay the bill, dude. And what is his deal with not calling? Actually, scratch that, I totally get that one. Avoidance is better than confrontation. (Ladies, the box of tomatoes will be on the corner of 19th and N Lynn at 7:30 am, I will be entering the office around 8, so feel free to pelt me with them whenever you get a chance.) Also, Jen's obsession with cats is kind of funny. Good thing lolcatz didn't exist in 2002, or she would have been all over that shit.
Now for what was so-so: Barney and Robin. I can believe Barney wanting to go the strip club, but I distinctly remember an episode where Robin was excited to go there too (first season I believe). I get that Barney and Robin are dating now, so things are different, but given the whole "fluglehorn" thing from last week, I'm not sure why Robin is angry. She's a little freaky-deaky too. Also, Barney repeatedly saying how awesome it was that Robin liked going to the strip club while Robin kept protesting wasn't that funny. Their whole story felt a little flat for me tonight.

As is my custom, here are your quotes:

'Take a picture." "I will, but first I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant down his wife's tatas." "I'll kill you!"--Ted, Barney, and Marshall.

"Oh I bet the guys were going so crazy. I bet they wanted to touch her so bad."--Lily, about stripper Lily.

"Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage. I bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and go CRAZY."--Lily

"Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love."--Ted about the rotund couple across they way having sex. It really is, Ted.

"Bring out Stripper Lily!"--Lily

So what did you all think? Good, meh, or bad?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Grey's Anatomy, The Office, and Community Recaps: Doing These All Together to Save Myself Time

So I'm only getting around to these three now (it was a busy weekend) and I don't have too much to say about each, so let's just take them in turn:

Grey's Anatomy: Really, after that episode what is there left to say? Let's use the characters own words, shall we? To tee this up, this exchange occurs after Izzie runs away from George's grave during the funeral and Alex, Meredith, and Cristina follow. Turns out, Izzie is laughing, not crying:

Izzie (still guffawing): George is dead. He's dead. They're about to put him in the ground, and the priest is doing classic rock lyrics, and that girl, that redhead, is crying harder than his mother. Cristina: You are far more twisted than I ever realized.
Izzie, to Meredith: And you got married on a Post-It!
Meredith: I got married on a Post-It, I did.
Cristina, to Izzie and Alex: And you guys got married for real?!
Izzie: And I got cancer? What?

The fact that these characters have acknowledged just how ridiculous this show has become only makes me even more angry. I get that this might be how they're coping with George's death, and I get that T.R. Knight has to leave, and I get that we need to deal with all the weird shit that's happened to move forward, but honestly, I just don't give a fuck anymore. Because Izzie's cancer has only made her more shrill and preachy (I know the red head deserved to get yelled at, but it should have come from Cristina, it would have been more believable and effective.) Because now they need to hide Ellen Pompeo behind things because of her pregnancy. Because the Chief has become a complete and utter tool. Because, because, because, ughhh I don't care.

There were some good things: Owen and Cristina's relationship (their scenes with the shrink--yay Amy Madigan!--were fantastic), Dr. Bailey going ice queen (GIVE CHANDRA WILSON AN EMMY!), the fact that Meredith and Derek seem happy, but those will do little to help reform my attachment. I may continue watching to see how this merger storyline plays out, but don't expect me to write much more about it. Ughh.

The Office: Now this was the episode we deserved last week, not that stinking piece of crap we got instead. The main plot was actually funny and really engaging (Michael fearing for his job and screwing Jim over in the process), the side plots were funny too (Pam getting RSVPs for her wedding and Dwight and Toby investigating Darryl), and it set up a great tension for the next few episodes (Michael and Jim being co-managers of the branch). Also, Dwight's reaction to the news was just priceless: I finally understand what that painting The Scream is all about.

Community: Very funny second outing. The pacing has settled down and the characters are really falling into their roles nicely. Ken Jeong has made a nice addition as the crazy Spanish teacher, and I really enjoyed Jeff and Pierce's presentation prep and subsequent disaster of a presentation. Also, how ridiculous was the protest for Guatemala? Did you catch the students protesting were chanting "We hate Guatemala?" Hilarious. This is my second favorite new show. Definitely.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

FlashForward Premiere: My Vote for Best New Show of The Season

Warning: Watching this show may induce headaches, heart palpitations, uncontrollable yelling, and constant repetition of the question "What the fuck is going on?" and the word "AWESOME."

There, now that you've been properly warned, let's talk about my new favorite show, FlashForward (I'm still not sure if that's the correct spelling and capitalization, so if anyone has insight there, I'd appreciate it). My reasons for ardent love are threefold:

  1. The "WTF?!!!" premise. So you know I love LOST, right? And the whole mystery about that fucking island, right? Well, ladies and gents, we've got an even better premise here. What would happen if everyone (or almost everyone) in the world blacked out at the exact same moment? I think the show would have a lot of interesting territory to mine just answering that question (or even just dealing with the very implications of all the plane crashes and car accidents and what not), but the show takes it one very cool step further. During the blackout, each and every person saw a vision of themselves 6 months in the future (April 29, 2010 at 10 pm PST to be exact). So now the question is not only "How did this happen?" but also "Does knowledge of future events mean that we can avoid that future, or is that knowledge the thing that sets us down that path?" So basically, can we change the future? That's a pretty heady topic (and one I'm hoping LOST will answer as well this season.)
  2. The Cast. Let me name a few. Sonya Walger (Penny from LOST), John Cho (Harold!), SETH MACFARLANE (yes that Set MacFarlane, the voice of Stewie), Joseph Fiennes, and even guest star Alex Kingston (Dr. Corday from ER!). This is a talented, talented cast, who elevates the material. Admittedly, some parts of last night's episode felt a little exposition-y, especially the scenes at the FBI HQ. But the scenes between Olivia (Sonya Walger) and Mark (Joseph Fiennes) were GOOOOOOD.
  3. The Pop Culture homages. I'm not sure if that's the right term for it, but this show definitely understands the legacy it comes from. Apparently there was even an Oceanic Airlines poster somewhere (I'm embarassed to say I missed it.) The shot of Mark running trying to get home evoked memories of Sydney Bristow running. And of course Seth MacFarlane's voice reminded me of Brian. This show feels familiar, yet different, which is enough for me.
One thing I didn't care for: the creepy children. ("Hi Olivia," from the little boy Olivia never met, and "I dreamed there were no more good days," from Olivia's daughter.) CREEEEEPY.

I will be following this show week in and week out. Unless it starts to suck.

Cougar Town Premiere: Monica has become a Cougar

COUGARS, COUGARS, COUGARS, COURTNEY COX, COUGARS. COUGARS.

So I finally watched Cougar Town, in case you couldn't tell. I successfully avoided any and all reviews today, so that I could form my own opinion, and I'm sure glad I did, because I'll be honest I like this show. I lolled (the verb form of LOL, in case you didn't know) quite a bit. Like quite a bit. Now that's not to say that this show doesn't have some problems. The pacing felt a little off, which made it hard to get a laugh in at one joke, because they were already off to the next one. Additionally, the fact that Cox's character will wind up sleeping with/dating/marrying Josh Hopkins' character was as subtle as Blake Lively's boobs at the Emmys (AWESOME). Additionally, this show requires quite a bit of suspension of reality (as do most shows, but whatever.) Some examples:
  • We are supposed to believe that Cox has a hard time attracting men because she is over 40. I'm sorry, but have you seen her lately? I don't care if she can pull at her elbow skin, she's HOT. Does attractiveness work differently in Florida? If so, she should consider moving up north. There's plenty of people here who would like to keep her warm at night, and also have sex with her, in case you didn't get my meaning. Also, she has posters of her boobs plastered all over town with information on how to find her. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, or at the very least a very good playbook for stalkers. Either one really.
  • Her friend, Laurie (played by Busy Phillips), would just drop a guy off at her house, and said guy would just go along with it. Actually, scratch that, that's totally believable. Especially if Courtney Cox is in the equation. The guy would be an idiot not to.
  • She would try to offer said guy snacks that she makes for her son's friends. Hilarious, but no.
  • They would have sex three times, and move out to the pool where she would "do that thing she always told her husband she hated but doesn't," only to have her son and ex-husband come home and find her. Unless that guy is a minute man, there's no way ALL that could have happened in the three hours her son was out with her husband.
  • She chases the teenage boy who been stealing her signs (which prominently feature her cleavage) all the way back to his house, where she has a heart to heart with him about how hard it is to be alone while his mother stands in the doorway. Uh, no, because that puts her on the Mary Kay LeTourneau path of cougaring, which is icky and gross.
Ultimately, for me, the success of the show will live and die with Cox's performance. I think she does a great job, although she's clearly channeling Monica in some scenes (the mannerisms, the high-pitched yells, the faces, etc.), so if you liked her on Friends you'll like her here. In general, this was a pretty effortless show to watch and I recommend it to anyone looking for a brief respite from some of the heavier shows. I'll leave you with some of my favorite quotes:

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to end up like Ms. Pritchard." "Nope, I don't think you're frame could handle those."--Jules and Laurie, referring to the math teacher and her fake boobs.

"And remember, if I ever catch you two drinking and drinking, I'm going to show everyone that baby picture of you two holding each other's penises....so small."--Monica. Ah, a mother's love.

"This is from that night we drunk on Amaretto and played dress up."--Jules. My first LOL

"Wow you are really black. That is so handsome on you."--Jules. NO ONE WOULD EVER SAY THAT.

"Stop having sex with babies, really."--Jules to Grayson (Josh Hopkins). Sounds very uncomfortable out of context.

"Hey you left that at the bar, bitch."--Laurie, about the boy toy.

So in conclusion, COUGARS, COUGARS, COUGARS, COURTNEY COX, COUGARS. COUGARS.

NOTE: Cougar Town Post Postponed Until Tomorrow

Apologies, but my Cougar Town premiere review will be postponed until tomorrow evening. I've just returned home from a trip to Toronto and right now I have energy for nothing but sleep. Tomorrow will be post-filled now though as I'll be covering Grey's, The Office, Community, and the premiere of FlashForward as well. Goodnight!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cougar Town Premiere: RAAAAWWWWWRRRRR

Cougar Town premieres tonight at 9:30 pm on ABC. While reviews have been mixed, I'm still very excited to see this show. Here are three reasons why:

1) Double entendre about cougars in title. I love double entendres. "Cougar" refers to both the high school football team and the hot older women on the prowl for younger men. Just like.....

2) Courtney Cox. I love Courtney Cox. And she is indeed a cougar. And she played Monica on Friends for all those years, which means I will still watch most things she is in just because of that.

3) COUGARS. Cougars, cougars, cougars, cougars. Courtney Cox. Cougars. Did I mention Cougars?

Give it a shot, screw the reviewers. They hate fun and happiness anyway.

Clip of the Day: Three Days Later This Family Guy Clip is Still Funny



Apparently they did these for all of the nominees. Here's the one for The Office:





Still so funny.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Gossip Girl: You're a Hot Mess and I'm Falling For You

Now, this is what I'm talking about! Tonight's episode of Gossip Girl was vastly superior to last week's, and there are three reasons why: Cobra Starship, Georgina Sparks, and College. Let's start with the last one.

College time has finally arrived and our UES friends are all headed for their various selected institutions of higher learning. Dan, Vanessa (ughh), and Blair are all headed to NYU, while Serena is headed to Brown and Chuck is headed towards becoming a captain of industry, or at the very least the owner of a den of infamy (i.e., a speakeasy). Oh and Nate isn't headed anywhere, since he spends the entire episode making sexytime with his new girlfriend Bree. I'm really loving this college reset, since it's going to force the characters to grow a little bit. Except for Vanessa. She's still annoying and judgy and all up in everybody's business and loving coffee. Apparently, at NYU, Dan is the equivalent of a prom king/quarterback, because he's a writer and has writer-y hair. Blair on the hand is on the verge of becoming persona non grata. She's decided to move into the dorms and become Queen, even going so far as to distribute gift bags with headbands, but there's one little roadblock in her way: Georgina Sparks.

I am so fucking happy they brought Michelle Trachtenberg back. Georgina is the thing this show has been missing: a bat-shit crazy villain that you love, love, love to hate. She makes things interesting and fun. Also, she's a manipulative one. I cannot believe how easily Dan and Vanessa fell for her shit. Oh wait, yes I can, because Vanessa is an idiot and Dan thinks with his penis (nothing wrong with that, just calling it like it is.) Also, the fact that she used a showing of Vanessa's student film about a community garden to sabotage Blair's sushi party was fucking brilliant and priceless, because people would totally skip yummy sushi to watch a weirdo documentary in college. Not at my school, but at others perhaps. Blair got what she thought was the last laugh though when she invited a bunch of Georgina's Christian camp friends to a party on the dorm's roof. We're going to ignore that fact that NYU would never, EVER allow freshman to have a roof party with beer because that's just a recipe to have a drunk kid do something stupid, and instead focus on the OMJC T-shirts Georgina's friends were wearing. Priceless. Unfortunately, Dan Humphrey uses his newfound popularity to exile Blair and redeem Georgina. Ughh. This brings me to my third point.

I was saying to my viewing buddies before the episode started that I was really surprised that the show didn't use "Good Girls Go Bad," the Cobra Starship song featuring vocals by Leighton Meester, in the season premiere. Lo and behold, they used the fucking song tonight as background music for the party. IT WAS AWESOME. COBRA STARSHIP + GG = POP CULTURE EXPLOSION OF AWESOMENESS. This alone was enough to make me like the episode, but then the show went and did something even better: they used "Hot Mess" as background music for Serena. So now we have COBRA STARSHIP + GG + IRONIC USE OF BACKGROUND MUSIC = MY HEAD FUCKING EXPLODING. Seriously, ironic use of background music will always win you points in my book. And indeed, Serena has gone a little hot mess, boobs and all. She decided she wasn't going to go to Brown, but also ecided not to tell Rufus or Lily and instead go stay with Chuck. Chuck, who's actually become a functioning human being, obliges, but tells her not to ruin his business meeting that evening. She does. He calls her on it and on being a hot mess. She goes Super Hot Mess (and I'm loving it, hell yes) and decides to call Carter Baizen, her shirtless horseman from last week, to help her embarrass Chuck some more, as Gabe Saporta continues to sing in the background about how she was a problem child whose been grounded her whole life and is now running wild. (Ok, so they only used the song during this one scene, but whatever it's still great.) Chuck takes the high road, which makes Serena feel bad, and Carter calls her out for using him, which made her feel worse. I did not know the Boobs' owner had emotions. Passing strange this is. Continuing on, Serena talks to Rufus, whom Chuck had informed about her decision not to go to Brown earlier, and Rufus supports her and basically offers to be the Daddy she never had, if she'll let him. Serena goes ape shit over this and immediately asks for a pony and a My Super Sweet Sixteen. She then also goes to apologize to Carter since he's the only who "gets her" and was "there for her," or some other lame bullshit like that which teenagers love to spout. Ughh.

The episode ends with Blair crawling into Chuck's bed to cuddle ("Are you ok?" she asks. "I am now," he says. I vomit a little.), while Dan wakes up on the roof after having spent the night cuddling and probably more with Georgina. This shit is going to blow up in his face faster than you can say "Nelly Yuki." Oh and also, the creepy stepbrother crept around creepily and that's all I'm saying about that for now because you know they're not going to do anything with him until Lily gets back, which at this rate will be never.

Here's the best of the quotes:

"Let's make it clear from the start, we don't know each other here."--Blair to Dan and Vanessa.

"Rah, rah, zis boom ba, Georgina's pulled a coup d'etat."--Gossip Girl. This might be the best thing she's ever said. Seriously.

"I still hold him in my heart, but Jesus and I have redefined our relationship."--Georgina. Yeah, she's kicked him out to make more room for her crazy.

"Look sis, for people like us, a college degree is just an accessory, like a Malawian baby or a poodle."--Chuck to Serena and the Boobs. So true though.

"He reports to a board, Serena, and boards tend not to approve of coat check girls who give happy endings."--Chuck. He might if you let him check his coat for free, Chuck. Just an idea.

"This paranoia has got to stop Blair."--Georgina. I thought Blair's head might explode.

"Forget the four horsemen, the real evidence the world is coming to an end? Blair Waldorf needing Dan Humphrey to rescue her."--Gossip Girl. Yup.

"No headbands in college."--Dan to Blair. HAHAHAHAHA.

"Am I really drunk, or did I just see you walk in with Blair?"--Georgina

"What do you need my pants for?" "Because I want to see what's in them."--Nate and Bre. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

"Serena, what's your deal? Are you acting out because Daddy didn't love you."--Carter. Uh, yeah Carter, she is. Did you not see last week's episode?

"I don't need these losers to like me. Fear works better."--Blair. I'm thinking Blair subscribes to the Patty Hewes School of Life.

"There's a reason we never went downtown. As soon as you cross 14th Street people forget that there's a class system."--Blair

So to recap, Cobra Starship makes any TV show better. Check back next week when shit really starts to hit the fan.

How I Met Your Mother Premiere: I'm Not Into Labels, But It Was AWESOME

Ladies and Gentleman, THIS is what good television looks like. How I Met Your Mother might be the most consistently wonderful show on television. Tonight's premiere was more solid-stellar than just completely stellar, but it certainly, certainly, CERTAINLY started the night off on the right foot. Now before I get into specifics, there is one thing I want to say. I had the pleasure of watching tonight's episode with three lovely ladies and within 5 seconds of Lily appearing on screen, they all commented on the size of Lily's boobs. Now, while I'm normally the one to point out such things, I think it's hilarious that they all did before I even said a word. Thanks, girls, thanks.

Now, as for the episode, tonight's theme was definitions: Ted had to define what kind of professor he was going to be, and Robin and Barney had to define their relationship. Lesson from tonight's episode? Defining things is funny. Watching Barney and Robin try to have "the talk" and only succeed at having sex is funny. Watching Ted make a fool of himself in front of a class full of economics majors was funny. ("No questions!" "Call me Ted. Professor Mosby. T-Dog. Don't call me T-Dog.") But most of all, watching Marshall crack a whip and scream "Not good enough!" was really funny. (Context there: As a gift for Ted's first day of class, Marshall gave Ted a gift that reminds him of Marshall's favorite professor. The gift? A whip and and a fedora, because Marshall's favorite professor is Indiana Jones. Of course it is. Ted's response? "God, you just get me." Love him, love these two, LOVE THIS SHOW.)

Now, for Barney's life wisdom. Tonight's topic: How to make sure a girl doesn't become your girlfriend. Apparently, girls are like Gremlins, so you just need to follow the three rules that prevent Gremlins from going crazy or whatever:

1. Never get them wet. (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Come on really, did you think I was just going to let that one pass by?)
2. Keep them away from sunlight. (Because girls are like vampires too, obviously. Not.)
3. Never feed them after midnight. (Now that's just mean.)

Also, Barney's wisdom was delivered while wearing a tuxedo, which makes it infinitely more credible. Infin-wait for it because I don't you think you can guess how this will end-itely.

The episode culminates in Lily locking Robin and Barney into Robin's bedroom to force them to have the talk, while Marshall screams and wafts the smell of bacon under the door. Yes, that's what he did, and it is a very brilliant thing to do. Well played, Marshall, I didn't think you had it in you. Robin and Barney ultimately decide that they will just lie to Lily and tell her that they are boyfriend and girlfriend, but as Lily so aptly puts it at the very end of the episode, they're only lying to themselves. I'm really hoping that Barney and Robin are headed down the Chandler and Monica path of sitcom relationships, because I love seeing them together and I know hilarity will ensue.

Now one final note, that I want to make sure you all caught: Ted made a point of telling us that The-Mother-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was in his first class, but that was the Economics class, not his Architecture class. Therefore The Mother is an Econ student. Additionally, she was taking Econ 305, which either makes her a child prodigy or at least an upperclassmen. (Unfortunately, Econ 305 is not a real a class at Columbia so I'm not sure if it's grad level or undergrad. Yes, I checked, and no that doesn't make me a loser, and yes, if you really think it does then you can go fuck yourself. So there.) This means The Mother will remain in the offing for a while, because it is unlikely that they will cross paths again soon. Still, it's nice to know she's around.

Now, as is my custom, I will leave you with some quotes:

"I told you, use your indoor Woo!"--Marshall to Lily. For those of you that don't remember, WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

"God, you just get me."--Ted to Marshall

"Just once I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night."--Marshall. Awwwwww.

"I'll punch a baby, I don't care."--Barney

'Look we've been over this, unless I say 'fluglehorn,' you haven't gone too far."--Robin to Barney. I'll never say fluglehorn, Robin, I promise.

"Not good enough!"--Marshall

I'm so happy it's back!

How I Met Your Mother Premiere: Cannot Wait!

How I Met Your Mother returns this evening. Can I get a HELL YEAH? HELL. YEAH. For those of you, like me, who won't be able to make it until this evening without a small HIMYM fix, I give you this clip from this evening's premiere:



Anyone up for a tuxedo night? Check back this evening for a full recap of what I'm expecting to be a great season premiere.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Emmy Post-Mortem: Well That Was a Weird Show Wasn't It?

So the Emmys are over. I have to say that was one of the more entertaining Emmy telecasts I've seen in a while. Also, my predictions were way, way off. I was 4 for 10 for the major categories, but to be fair, some of those acting wins were total "WTF?"s, so I don't feel too bad. Plus, one of my "should win"s did win, which makes me feel nice. Let's look at each race in turn.

Supporting Actress, Comedy: I called Jane Krakowski as my should and will win, and alas, she did not. Kristen Chenoweth from Pushing Daisies took home the award and she could not have been a more gracious winner, so I really can't complain. Also, that funny glasses bit with all the nominees was a hoot.

Supporting Actor, Comedy: I called Neil Patrick Harris as my should and will win, and he didn't. Jon Cryer from Two and a Half Men did. I know what you're thinking. You're asking yourself, "Wait, I thought he was just kidding about the Two and a Half Men guys having a deal with the devil? He is kidding right?" Damned if I know. All I do know is that I hate Two and a Half Men and I cannot understand the Academy's interest in it when in almost all other categories its tastes skew more highbrow. NPH was robbed. ROBBED.

Lead Actres, Comedy: I called Tina Fey as my should and will win, but she didn't. Nope, Toni Colette took home the trophy, which would be surprising except for one little fact: Colette plays a character with multiple personality disorder, and awards shows go ape shit for the kind of stuff. The only thing more effective is when pretty actresses make themselves "ugly" for a role (i.e., gain weight, wear prosthetics). So congratulations Toni, but Tina, you're still my girl.

Lead Actor, Comedy: Alec Baldwin was my should and will win, and he DID. Woo hoo! Well deserved, Alec.

Comedy Series: How I Met Your Mother was my should win, 30 Rock was my will win, and 30 Rock did win. I wasn't surprised, but there was a small part of me that thought the Mother upset might happen. Perhaps now that the show is on the Academy's radar, next year it might be able to do it.

Supporting Actress, Drama: Chandra Wilson was my should win, I had no idea as to who would win, but Cherry Jones did win. She's great, I'm sure it's well deserved, but can we give Chandra Wilson an award one of these days, please?

Supporting Actor, Drama: Michael Emerson was my should win, William Hurt was my will win, but in the end Emerson did indeed win. Can I get a woo hoo? Dude deserved it. He has created one of the most terrible and complex television villains in Benjamin Linus. He seemed a little subdued during his acceptance speech, though, so I hope he's perked up so he can enjoy his night.

Lead Actress, Drama: Glenn Close was my should and will win, and she did win. Was anyone surprised? She's fantastic. I know some of you out there were pulling for Moss, and I'm sure she'll get hers one day, when Glenn Close isn't nominated. I love that Close called Patty Hewes the "role of a lifetime" because given some of the memorable characters she's played over the years, that's saying something. (I still have nightmares about her sitting in the corner turning the lightswitch off and on.)

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm was my should and will win, but Bryan Cranston did win. I've got to start watching Breaking Bad to see what this guy is all about, because winning back to back awards in this day and age is very difficult to do. Kudos.

Drama Series: LOST was my should win, Mad Men was my will win, and Mad Men did win. Again, not shocked, but hoping that the Academy gave the award to Mad Men this year so that they could honor LOST's final season next year. Please?

Also, NPH was fantastic as host, and a tremendous improvement over the 5-host tag team from least year, and it was nice to hear Jeff Probst, who was part of that fiasco, say so. I also really liked the format change of doing all of the comedy awards together, all of the miniseries awards together, etc. because (1) it made easier to see how dominant some shows are (i.e., Mad Men, 30 Rock) and (2) it let me switch over and watch the Giants game while they handed out awards in categories I didn't care about.

All in all, it was a pretty satisfying and entertaining evening, even though I was wrong most of the time.

Check back tomorrow for a review of the How I Met Your Mother premiere.

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Drama Series, or a Mad Men Redux

Hello all! I hope you've had good weekends. The Emmys are just a few short hours away, and with that it's time to a take look at the last major category: Outstanding Drama Series. The nominees are:
  • Big Love
  • Breaking Bad
  • Damages
  • Dexter
  • House
  • Lost
  • Mad Men
This is the fourth nomination for House, the third for Lost (one win), the second for Damages, Dexter, and Mad Men (one win), and the first for Big Love and Breaking Bad. I'm going to make this post a quick one, so first time nominees, thanks for playing, and I hope you've enjoyed the attention you've gotten, since you're probably not winning. Same goes for Dexter and House. Damages, if you're second season had been as good as your first, you might have a shot, but it wasn't, so you don't. That leaves Lost and Mad Men as viable contenders. The shows have differing strengths: Lost blends mind-blowing plot twists with the strength of its ensemble cast, while Mad Men's lush cinematography lets its characters deliver subdued yet powerful performances. Who you think should win this category depends on whether you prefer your TV with a side of whizz-bang-boom-OMFG-did-that-just-happen? or with a dose of thought provocation. I like both, but I think that Mad Men's second season got a little confusing toward the end, whereas Lost's fifth finished super, super strongly (Even four months later, WTF JULIET??!!!). So, for me......

Who should win: Lost
Who will win: Mad Men

Check back later this evening for a recap of the awards, or follow me on Twitter (http://twitter.com/dvrrulesmylife) as I share my thoughts and reactions in real time.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series, or Why Glenn Close Strikes Fear in the Hearts of Actresses Everywhere

The big show is just two short days away. And with that, I'm going to address the last of the major acting categories, Lead Actress in a Drama. I think it's very hard for a category to have the same set of nominees (plus one new one) and get even more competitive in a year's time, but that's exactly what happened here. The nominees are:
  • Glenn Close as Patty Hewes, Damages
  • Sally Field as Nora Walker, Brothers & Sisters
  • Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson, Law & Order: SVU
  • Holly Hunter as Grace Hanadarko, Saving Grace
  • Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson, Mad Men
  • Kyra Sedgwick as Brenda Johnson, The Closer
This is the sixth nomination for Hargitay (one win), fourth for Sedgwick, third nomination for Field (one win), second for Hunter and Close (Close won last year and was previously nominated for her work on The Shield), and the first nomination for Moss. I think it's fair to say that this category is stacked with talent. I mean, The Closer, Damages, and Saving Grace wouldn't really exist without their lead actresses, and while I love the rest of the Walkers, Sally Field brings a special brand of old-lady crazy to her role without making the character completely unlikable, and I couldn't imagine that show without her. I'm not the biggest procedural fan, but I think Hargitay does good work on SVU. She's didn't get 6 consecutive nominations for nothing. Moss is a very welcome addition to this category, because her performance as Peggy is completely captivating and one of the two main reasons I watch the show (the other being the inscrutable Don Draper).

So, given the immense wealth of talent here, who's going to win? Hargitay went through some tense contract negotiations, and while I'm not sure how that will affect her chances, she's not on my short list to win either. I don't watch Saving Grace or The Closer, so I can't comment on their performances, although after four nominations, Sedgwick should get something. Field is Field, but I didn't care for the goings on over on B&S this season, so I'm not liking her chances. That leaves us with Close and Moss, the great dame and the ingenue, the lion and the lamb. The contrast between these two is stark. Glenn Close is a powerful actress. Every look, every grimace, every slight move is always loaded with meaning. I've said this before and I'll say it again, Glenn Close giving her death stare directly to the camera for an hour so without moving or speaking would make one of the greatest horror movies of all time. Let's contrast that with Moss's sweet, naive Peggy, who's just trying to make her way in the world with a few ideas and a lot of gumption. Moss' performance is much more subdued, but no less wonderful. That being said, I think the real difference here is that Close elevates the material given to her versus Moss being elevated by the material given to her. Plus, really who's not going to give Glenn Close an award? Lady is scary. So......

Who Should Win: Glenn Close
Who Will Win: Glenn Close (Unless Moss or Sedgwick manage to steal it away)

Check back tomorrow for a look at the Best Drama race.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Community Season Premiere: A Bajillion Thumbs Up

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, we have a winner here folks! Community was, in a word, fucking fantastic. It is funny and irreverent and smart. Finally, finally, Joel McHale will get the broader audience he deserves. Now, if you're a frequent reader of this space, you may know that I think Joel McHale and The Soup, his show on E!, are two of the funniest things in creation. The awesome, awesome, awesomely awesome thing here is that he brings his rapid fire, joke-a-minute, lots-of-pop-culture-references style to this show with very promising results.

Here, McHale plays Jeff, a lawyer who must return to community college to get the degree he lied about so that he won't get disbarred. Early on, Jeff sets his sights on Britta (a woman, not the water pitcher), but she's not interested in anything but the Spanish test tomorrow they have the next day. He, of course, tells her that he is a certified Spanish tutor, even though he can barely string together a coherent sentence in Spanish. (He does know lots of Spanish words though). He offers to tutor her one-on-one, but eventually winds up with a large study group comprised of the most motley crew I've seen in a while: Chevy Chase playing a creepy hippy (I think), a sassy black lady, a token Indian/Middle Eastern guy with Asperger's (I think), a former high school jock, and Trudy Campbell from Mad Men. Not gonna lie, I practically JIMPed when I realized it was her. I love when my pop culture loves cross paths. It's like fireworks! (I sound crazy. Yeah.)

Moving along, Jeff decides to derail the study session in the interests of taking Britta to dinner and getting in her pants (her words, not mine), so he gets everyone to fight with each other, which is pretty amazing. Britta forces him to make everyone make up, which he does, before she kicks him out of the study group, only to allow him back in at the end of the episode when these fools all realize that they need each other. There were also a ton of references to them being like The Breakfast Club, which is kind of true and kind of not (and I know that caused others out there to JIMP as well).

I haven't even addressed the hilarious British fellow who plays Jeff's professor friend, but there will be many, many more weeks for that, because I'm hoping this show will be around for a while and I'm planning on doing everything in my power to make it happen. I will leave you with some of my favorite quotes from the episode:

"Are you familiar with the adage 'Cheaters never prosper?" "No and if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college." --Professor Duncan and Jeff. Oh snap.

"I'm sorry, I was raised on TV and I've been conditioned to believe that every black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor."--Joel McHale to the black lady. Not only is this a universal truth, but this is also the EXACT MOMENT I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS SHOW.

"Being younger doesn't make me any stupider. Given your age, you must have made bad life decisions."--Trudy Campbell, I mean Annie, to Shirley

"You are all better than you think you are, you are just aren't designed to believe it."--Jeff, in an uplifitng speech full of other jokes that I didn't catch.

"Asperger's, hehe." "It's a serious disorder." "If it's so serious, why didn't they call it meningitis."--Troy, Trudy Campell, and Chevy Chase. I will not refer to Chevy Chase's character's name, because I doubt I will be able to remember it, and it's just so much easier to call him Chevy Chase.

So, what did you all think? Mind you, answers other than "THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME" will not be accepted. I'm kind of hoping that McHale can find some way to incorporate his greatest Soup moments into the show somehow. I'd love him to randomly pull out the Whitney Houston "Kiss My Ass!" clip or the one of Tyra's fat ass. Yeah, that would be great.

Check back tomorrow for my overview of the Lead Actress - Drama category (Glenn Close is watching you, so you better pick her or else.)

The Office Premiere: Is This What We Were Waiting For All Summer?

Oh The Office, what happened to you? You used to be funny, you used to be smart, now you just make me sad. As you may be able to tell, I didn't really care for this evening's premiere. It started out just fine with the parkour cold open, but then Michael just had to go and act like Michael. Seriously, in my notes I wrote down "Uh oh, Michael is going to be annoying tonight." Seriously, the dude's sad life was funny like two years ago, now it's just painful and pathetic. His little fits and tantrums are no longer acceptable. I prefer quirky-weird Michael (like when he was trying to court Holly) not bat-shit-weird Michael (like tonight). And also, Michael spreading around that Stanley is cheating on his wife doesn't really jive with his supposed love for his staff. It just felt weird and annoying.

The only good thing to come out of Michael's antics was the fake rumors he spread around, because they really put everyone on edge. Kelly was "anorexatic," Andy was gay, Angela was dating an 81 year old billionaire, and Pam was pregnant. We all know that last one is true, but the rest of the office didn't. It was funny to watch them run back and forth and spread the gossip, especially Andy seeking out advice from Oscar and Jim because he wasn't sure whether he was gay or not. After seeing him in The Hangover, I realized that Ed Helms is way too good for this show. Someone give him better material, please.

The episode culminated in a goodbye party for the interns (yes, someone thought it would be a good idea to let Michael Scott have interns for some ungodly reason), where things came to head, mostly because Angela said this to Pam:

"You know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard."

Um, AMAZING. Like "I will think about this at some point tomorrow and chuckle to myself and people will look at me and wonder 'What does that guy think is so funny?' " amazing. Eventually everyone figured out that Michael perpetuated the rumors, and he admitted that they were all lies except one. Just as he was about to tell the truth about Stanley for some mind-boggling reason, Jim and Pam stepped up and said that the true one was that Pam was pregnant. Michael, still acting like the complete fucking tool he is, accused them of lying and told everyone about Stanley's affair. Jim then went to get a sonagram picture to prove he was telling the truth. Michael's response?

"Pam, look at that, that is the inside of your vagina."

Yeah. We move to Jim and Pam in Michael's office getting lectured by him for not making him a third party to every single thing that happens in their relationship. He is interrupted by a call from Stanley's wife, yes, Stanley's wife, whom he called earlier. Do you know what Michael does? He calls her by Stanley's lover's name. Yeah. The episode ends with Stanley taking a golf club to Michael's car (GO STANLEY, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU BEAT THAT CAR UP LIKE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU HIT THAT WINDSHIELD LIKE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.) We also get a parting shot of Jim taking the sonogram and taping it onto a picture frame he has on his desk. Say it with me now: AWWWWWW. Jim and Pam will be the only reason I continue to watch this show I think. At least in the near term, because I am far too annoyed with Michael. Please, someone tell me if I'm being overly harsh, because I can't tell. I am not looking forward to next week. Two thumbs down.

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series, or Battle of the AMC Stars

Good morning, good morning, everyone. Another day, another Emmy race I'm having difficulty calling. Let's take a look at the nominees shall we?
  • Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, The Mentalist
  • Gabriel Byrne as Dr. Paul Weston, In Treatment
  • Bryan Cranston as Walt White, Breaking Bad
  • Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan, Dexter
  • Jon Hamm as Don Draper, Mad Men
  • Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House, House
This is the fourth nomination for Laurie, the first nomination for Baker, and the second for the rest, making this essentially the exact same race from last year. I'm unfamiliar with In Treatment and Breaking Bad, which is my bad because I've heard both shows are wonderful. I've only just started watching Dexter (I'm midway through Season 1), but I think the show is fantastic, so I can only hope that quality has stayed up through its third season. Baker's nomination is the most surprising to me: while I like The Mentalist quite a bit (as do most folks--it was the highest rated new show last year), Baker's performance is a little slick for my taste, although I'm guessing the character's backstory is what got him here. Laurie is a perpetual nominee, and his "I'm going crazy" storyline last year might be enough to push him over the edge, but I'm doubtful. As for Hamm, I thought he was a lock last year given the critical swoons for Mad Men, but I was wrong then, so I may be wrong now. He deserves it, though. Two and half seasons in and I still think Don Draper is completely inscrutable, which is the thing that keeps me coming back week after week. (Well, that and Peggy.) So....

Who Should Win: Jon Hamm
Who Will Win: Damned if I know, but I'm guessing Hamm

Check back this evening for a recap of tonight's The Office premiere.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama

So it took me a while to get to this post, and I'm wondering now if it's because subconsciously this is the race I care least about. I think it might be. Let's dive in, shall we? And the nominees are:
  • Rose Byrne as Ellen Parsons, Damages
  • Hope Davis as Mia, In Treatment
  • Cherry Jones as President Allison Taylor, 24
  • Sandra Oh as Dr. Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy
  • Dianne Wiest as Dr. Gina Toll, In Treatment
  • Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey, Grey's Anatomy
This is the 5th nomination for Oh, the 4th nomination for Wilson, and the first nomination for the rest in their current roles. So I'm going to be honest here, I don't watch 24 or In Treatment so I'm not going to be able to comment on the performances of those actresses. I remember Davis briefly from Six Degrees and thought she was fine. I saw Cherry Jones play Sr. Aloysius in Doubt (which she won a Tony for, BTW), so I know she can act. And as for Wiest, I always remember her as the evil Queen from the NBC miniseries The 10th Kingdom, so it's hard for me to take her seriously, although I know she's a wonderful actress.

Now as for the other three, we all know I fucking love Damages, but the only reason Byrne is nominated is because the Glenn Close-halo effect forced her up her game as an actress, which is good, but she's not quite all the way there yet. I love, love her though and think she has great potential for next year. Now as for the Grey's ladies, some of are you are not going to agree with what I have to say, and others are going to be in utter disbelief given some comments I made about a certain plot line in the past, but, in all honestly, if anyone from Grey's deserves to win this year, it's Katherine Heigl. I know she's not nominated, but she sold the crap out of a storyline that went from ludicrous to heart wrenching and ludicrous, and was totally deserving of recognition, regardless of how people feel about her personality and comments she's made about the running of the show. Putting that opinion aside, Oh's storyline this season left me a little cold (aside from the episode where she dealt with being choked by Dr. Major Hunt), while Wilson's was also heart wrenching albeit in a different way. Watching her deal with the demise of her marriage was the most realistic plot on an increasingly absurd show, and Chandra Wilson really does deserve an award after all these years for creating a very complex character who I unequivocally love. So....

Who Should Win: Chandra Wilson
Who Will Win: Damned if I know

Check back tomorrow for my take on the Lead Actor - Drama race.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Thing That Made Die Inside: Sept 15

Jay Leno's new nightly talk show brings in over 17 million viewers on its premiere night. That's way higher than most new scripted shows have bowed in a long time, and I think it's one of the highest rated entertainment programs NBC has had in a while. Ughhh.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Gossip Girl Season Premiere: How Serena's Boobs Spent Their Summer

Finally we've gotten the answer to the question we've all been wondering about all summer: Where did Serena's boobs go when they got into the limo with Carter Baizen at the end of last season? Well according the photos, the boobs have been everywhere. They've been to Europe, they've been to Asia, they've been to see Cristiano Ronaldo, and now they're back home in NY, where they're being prominently displayed for all the world to see. They're even being used as a ploy to help the rest of Serena escape from Carter. I kid you not, the rest of Serena willingly undid her dress to try to put the boobs on display, while Serena's voice shouted "Oh no!" in a very fake way to try to get the attention of some cameramen. If this were another network, say HBO, I think we would have all died and gone to heaven, because we would have gotten to see the boobs. Oh well. Later, at a polo match, Serena wore a dress which accentuated the boobs' tan and threw around balls (which Rufus says will make her mother proud. Oh I'll bet it will, like mother like daughter after all, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) Then Serena jumped on horse and rode away, which made the boobs dance. Life is good for the boobs. Now for the rest of Serena, things aren't going so great. She spent the summer getting her picture taken everywhere possible to try to get the attention of her apparently-on-the-run father, who we will simply call Mr. Van der Woodsen, but apparently Papa VDW didn't want to see her. Now Serena's got a big case of the "Daddy didn't love me"s, so she's still desperately trying to get his attention. And she's "making out" with Carter. Yeah. Boobs.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair are playing some kind of game which ends in Blair belittling and innocent girl and them having hot, angry sex, or so I assume. (Note: I spent a fair bit of time trying to come up with an appropriate pop culture reference for Chuck and Blair's antics, so prize to the person who comes up with one.) S plants seeds of doubt in B's head about whether or not this arrangement is sustainable, so B spends the rest of the hour being suspicious of Chuck, especially when he says he's fine with stopping their fun. Accordingly, I spend the rest of the hour being alternately bored and nauseated by their cutesy interactions. Honestly, they need to get a spark or else watching them interact is quickly going to feel like watching paint dry. Please give them a long-term enemy to scheme against, ASAP.

Dan and Jenny have quickly taken to living on the UES. Dan now has a fancy-pants wallet to hold his hundred dollar bills ("They're impossible to break," he whined. Ughh. Hate him, and his "I'm an English major, it's supposed to look unkempt" hair.) Little J is still trying to recover from Mullet-gate '08, but it doesn't look like she's made much progress, so instead she's spent her summer stalking the Barefoot Contessa. (Poor Ina, she deserves better.) While Lily is out of town tending to her sick mother (or having her estranged husband's baby, depending on which newspapers you read), Rufus is doing the best he can to take care of the children, which on this show is about as easy as herding cats. Once you've think you've got them all squared away, Serena's boobs just decide to pop out of her dress. Anyway, Rufus is none too pleased with the boobs' escapades, but after she promises him there is a point to her behavior, he lets it slide. It's nice to see him backing away from his stringent-to-a-fault parenting tactics from last season. Either that or he got distracted by the boobs while scolding Serena. Take your pick.

Vanessa is, unfortunately, still Vanessa: a busy-body with no purpose except to drink coffee, make other people feel bad about not being poor, and wear weird clothes that make her look like Pocahontas (thank you for that one, Laura. Just go rewatch the polo match to see what I'm talking about.) In addition, Vanessa is now dating Lilfus' LOVECHILD, which is creepy, since he's only using her to get closer to his bio-parents. I'm really hoping that one day, Vanessa is just going to snap and go completely bat shit on everyone, because until then she will be absolutely boring, not to mention painfully annoying, to watch.

As for Nate, he's playing out his own private version of Romeo and Juliet with the daughter of a rival political family (played by the very beautiful Joanna Garcia.) I cannot figure out yet whether he is the Montague or the Capulet in this story. I'd love your opinions.

And so to summarize: Serena's boobs = GOOD, Chuck and Blair = BAD, The Humphreys movin' on up to the East Side = GOOD (for them), Vanessa still existing = BAD, Nate's love story = PROMISING, Lily's disappearance = SILLY.

For me, this season is really going to hinge on two the things: the boobs. Based on tonight's episode, I'd say we're off to a good start. ;)

As is my custom, I will leave you with some quotes:

"Ok, you're crazy."--Blond slut from the beginning of the episode to Blair. That's the understatement of the year.

"You're missing the key detail: sleeping with the enemy is hot."-Chuck Bass to Nate. Truer words were never spoken.

"I know what you did this summer, and who. Cristiano Reynaldo."--B to S and the boobs. Soccer players are a step up for S, no?

"I see the cat's out of the bag." "And topless on Valentino's yacht."--Dan and Rufus, about pictures of the boobs, and Serena, but mostly the boobs.

"Chuck, none of these girls are even worth humiliating, looking in the mirror will do that for them." --B about some models. There's my girl!

Oh, one more thing: BOOBS. Good night!

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama

Our Emmy countdown is down to just 6 days. Today we'll take a look at the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series race. The nominees are:

Christian Clemenson as Jerry "Hands" Espenson, Boston Legal
Michael Emerson as Benjamin Linus, Lost
William Hurt as Daniel Purcell, Damages
Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad
William Shatner as Denny Crane, Boston Legal
John Slattery as Roger Sterling, Mad Men

This is the 5th nomination for Shatner (he won in 2005), the 3rd for Emerson, the 2nd for Slattery, and the 1st for Clemenson, Hurt, and Paul. (Clemenson won a Guest Actor award in 2007 for the role).

So right off the bat, I'm writing off the Boston Legal nominees. I've never cared for this show, and I don't understand the Academy's fascination with it when there are far superior shows and actors they continually overlook (cough, Friday Night Lights, cough). As the show was cancelled at the end of last season, I view the nominations as its final sendoff, although I wouldn't be completely surprised if Shatner somehow pulled off the win. That man is a legend (and I mean that both seriously and mockingly, but mostly seriously). I've heard wonderful things about Paul on Breaking Bad (although I don't watch the show), and given Bryan Cranston's win last year in the Lead Actor race, I'd say Paul has a shot at winning, but he'll have to get past the big dogs of Emerson, Hurt, and Slattery first. Slattery was more interesting during Mad Men's second season than he was during its first, which works in his favor. The fact that Roger Sterling doesn't seem to be a fairly complicated man does not. Hurt as Purcell was frigging fantastic, but then again he had Glenn Close to play off of most of the time, and that woman elevates the acting in every scene she's in, so he's got a bit of an unfair advantage. Emerson as Linus was creepy as always, and he deserves to be recognized at some point, but if the Academy hasn't recognized him in the past, I'm not sure this is the year they will do it. So.....

Who should win: Michael Emerson, because if he doesn't get a trophy one of these days he's going to steal someone else's child
Who will win: William Hurt, because big name actor + critically acclaimed show + Glenn Close = win.

Check back tomorrow for a look at the Supporting Actress - Drama race, as a well a recap of the Gossip Girl season premiere (I hear the boobs are back in nice form).

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Thing That Made Die Inside: Sept 13

Kanye West completely ruining Taylor Swift's VMA victory for Best Female Video by stealing the microphone and talking about Beyonce. Poor Taylor looked thuderstruck (as did Beyonce, to her credit.) Dude is a complete tool. Complete. Tool. I've included a rough video below for those who would like to see it. It's a modern day version of dumping pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. COMPLETE. TOOL.

True Blood Finale: "You're the maid of honor, you have to lick the egg."

SPOILER WARNING: If you have not seen the True Blood season finale, please read no further. If you have seen the season finale, read on at your own peril.


So, that episode was a doozy, no? Oh what, only half of it was? Well, yeah, you're right. First off, GOODBYE, MARYANN. I am very, very sad to see you go. Michelle Forbes, I tip my hat to you. You sold Maryann's brand of crazy like a pumpkin spice latte on the first day of September (which is quite, quite well.) My one real gripe with tonight's episode was that they disposed of Maryann far to early in the episode. There was a small part of me that hoped she would somehow be able to continue on with us to next year. I mean, who else could pull off a line like
"You're the maid of honor, you have to lick the egg" ? No one, that's who. Also, I totally loved Sam's Mortal Kombat-esque disposal of her (i.e., ripping her heart from her chest), and how she was all excited because she thought he was "the god who comes." (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Sorry.)

I didn't care for the way the rest of the episode played out. I thought it was a little slow paced, although watching the townsfolk try to piece their memories back together provided quite a bit of humor: "
I heard that MaryAnn Forrester was an agent for the pharmaceutical companies and the liberal media." Hehe.

The end of the episode set up two plot lines for next season: (1) Sam is going to try to find his birth parents, which will either be interesting or a snoozer, and (2) BILL WAS KIDNAPPED. After proposing to Sookie, that is. (Also, if Bill and Sookie wind up getting married I might vomit, because I find the two of them nauseating.) Who do we think did it? I think we're supposed to be made to believe that it was Eric, which makes me say probably not. Lorena? That crazy Queen Sophie-Ann? (She is also my new favorite, by the way.) We'll have a full year to speculate because True Blood won't be returning until next summer. I don't know where I'm going to get my fill of vampire sex from in the interim, but I'll bravely try to do without it. In the interim, let me leave you with a few quotes:

"Come on, what are you?" "I'm a waitress, what the fuck are you?" Maryann and Sookie. Not quite as good as Sookie's "I'd prefer cancer" from Episode 2.03, but it'll do.

"You're the maid of honor, you have to lick the egg"--Maryann. Boy am I going to miss her.

"God with horns, worship him bitches." --Lafayette

"You may have your faults Andy, but at least you've got pants on"--Sheriff, who did not have his pants on.

"I heard that MaryAnn Forrester was an agent for the pharmaceutical companies and the liberal media."--Woman in diner. You know they talk about Barack the same way. Mmmhmmmm.


True Blood: Michelle Forbes is Funny Lady. I'm Still Scared of Her Though.

People magazine interviewed Michelle Forbes, aka Maryann, aka That Crazy Bitch, in advance of this evening's season finale. Turns out she is funny! My favorite quotes include:

“I’m really very nice. Everyone’s getting so scared when they meet me now. I could kill [show creator] Alan Ball.”

"It sort of flip-flopped between very disturbing and just another day at work, as odd as that sounds. You just sort of get used to it."--in response to a question about what it's like to film one of Maryann's famous sex parties.

You can read the entire interview here. So while it seems that Forbes is actually a real, normal person, I still won't be able to look at her without cringing in fear. Sorry. I cannot wait for this evening's finale. Cannot. Wait.

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Comedy Series, or The First Race to Give Me Real Mixed Emotions

Here's a fun fact for you. Did you know that of the 54 Outstanding Comedy Series awards that have been given out over the years, 46 of them have been awarded to just 2 networks? Yup, NBC and CBS can each claim 23 Best Comedy trophies. It's only fitting then that those two networks have the shows with the best shot of winning, but we'll get to that shortly. Let's look at the nominees:
  • Family Guy
  • Entourage
  • Flight of the Conchords
  • How I Met Your Mother
  • The Office
  • 30 Rock
  • Weeds
This is the fourth nomination for The Office, the third for Entourage and 30 Rock, and the first for the rest. First off, let me give kudos to the Academy for the number of first-time nominees. It's nice to see that they are broadening their horizons. Second, can we talk about how wonderful it is that Family Guy has been nominated? Because it is, in a word, fucking fantastic. I know some people fault it for being too similar to the Simpsons (which it really isn't), or poor plot structure (which is actually something I appreciate--I like being able to watch clips without needing context). There are very few other shows which can make the mile-a-minute pop culture references work (incidentally, 30 Rock is one of them). Here's some evidence from this season:



Did you enjoy that? Good, because unfortunately I don't think its prospects of winning are actually very good. This is one of those "It's an honor just to be nominated so enjoy it and don't bitch" situations. The same goes for Flight of the Conchords. Entourage is quickly becoming irrelevant, so no award for it this year, and as I've said before I don't watch Weeds, but I'd also put it's prospects at slim to none. That leaves us with The Office, HIMYM, and 30 Rock. The Office had some moments this season (namely when Dwight taught the office about fire safety), but in general the show was a little uneven. 30 Rock and HIMYM are both fantastic. You've all heard me say so, so there's no real reason to extol both of their virtues more. 30 Rock is coming off a 3rd season which wasn't quite as wonderful as its second one, while HIMYM is coming off a season in which it saw a sharp rise in ratings (something notable in our DVR age) and what I'm considering a general breakthrough (in my own social circle I can count at least 10 people that have just started watching the show over the last 6 months, and while that may be because I pushed it on them like a drug dealer from one of those old "don't do drugs" commercials, I don't care.) Every part of my soul hopes the Academy will recognize this show for succeeding in a format--the sitcom--that is slowly beginning to disappear from network television and for doing so with both wit and heart. I love Tina Fey and I love 30 Rock, but I truly, truly believe HIMYM deserves the win. That being said, I'm bracing myself for 30 Rock to take home the award. So....

Who Should Win: How I Met Your Mother (please, please, universe, make this happen)
Who Will Win: 30 Rock

Check back tomorrow for a look at the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama category, as well as a debrief of what I'm sure is going to be a fantastic True Blood season finale.

Emmy News: Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake Take Home Trophies, and All is Right With the World

Justin Timberlake and Tina Fey each won the Outstanding Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy Series award for their work on Saturday Night Live. Timberlake won for his hosting appearance, while Fey won for her pitch-perfect portrayal of former Gov. Sarah Palin last fall. To be fair, Fey had the award in the bag as soon as she put on those glasses and said "Now let me entertain you with some fancy pageant walking." Given the SNL sweep of these categories, how do we think this bodes for Kristen Wiig's and Amy Poehler's chances next Sunday in the supporting actress category? Discuss.

(And a technical point for those who don't know: There are a variety of areas covered by the Emmy awards: daytime television, sports, regional news, etc. The awards most people think of when they hear the word "Emmy" are the Primetime Emmy awards. The Primetime Emmys are handed out at two ceremonies: the Creative Arts Emmy Awards (which cover categories like art direction, cinematography, casting, etc. and the guest acting awards) and the Primetime Awards (which cover all the major acting categories.) The Creative Arts ceremony typically occurs a few weeks before the main show. I hope this cleared up any confusion.)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Lead Actor and Actress in a Comedy Series, or Why Tina Fey Will Win Again

Emmy time is rapidly approaching: we are just 9 days away from the big show, and I am WAY behind on my Emmy breakdowns. With that in mind, let's take a look at the Lead Actor and Actress in a Comedy categories. If you've followed these races before, you'll feel a bit of deja vu: 8 of the 12 nominees are repeats. Let's start with the men:

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
And the nominees are:
  • Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
  • Steve Carell as Michael Scott, The Office
  • Jermaine Clement as Jermaine Clemaine, Flight of the Conchords
  • Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory
  • Tony Shaloub as Adrian Monk, Monk
  • Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men
This is the fourth nomination for Carell and Sheen, the third for Baldwin, who won last year, and the seventh, yes SEVENTH for Shaloub, who has won THREE TIMES BEFORE. I don't watch Monk, so that astonishes me. Oh yeah, and it's the first nomination for Parsons and Clement, but neither have a prayer of winning, so we won't spend too much time on them. I don't watch Flight of the Conchords, but I've seen some Big Bang Theory, and I find Parsons' character Sheldon very annoying but I also don't think the show would work without him. That being said, I think Emmy voters are going to go with one of the repeat nominees. Here's a question for you: what blackmail does Charlie Sheen have that gets him a nomination every year? I get that Two and a Half Men is the highest rated sitcom on the air, but it's just not that funny, and Sheen is certainly one of the least funny parts of that show. He does not deserve the perpetual nominations, I'm sorry. Shaloub has won three times in the past, and I don't know that Monk is as buzzworthy as it once was (was it ever?), so I'm counting him out. That means the race comes down to Carell and Baldwin. Who should win? Let's look at some evidence:





Do I even need to say anything? I love Carell, but Michael Scott is ridiculous and constantly teteering on the edge of being heinously irritating. Alec Baldwin all the way baby.

Who Should Win: Baldwin
Who Will Win: Baldwin

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
And the nominees are:
  • Christina Appelgate as Samantha Newly, Samantha Who?
  • Toni Collette as Tara Gregson, The United States of Tara
  • Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine Campbell, The New Adventures of Old Christine
  • Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin, Weeds
  • Sarah Silverman as Sarah Silverman, The Sarah Silverman Program
This is the 4th nomination for Louis-Dreyfus, who won in 2006, the 3rd for Parker and Fey, who won last year, the 2nd for Applegate, and the first for Collette and Silverman. Applegate's show has been canceled, so I think the nomination is as much as she'll get. I haven't watched Weeds in a while, so I will defer my judgment on Parker to one of our commenters, who I know will have an opinion (I still don't think she wins, though). I love Louis-Dreyfus, so, so much, but mostly because of this:



That being said, she's pretty funny as Old Christine, so I wouldn't count her out. I think Collette is great, although I do not watch her show, but I know she plays a woman with multiple personality disorder and awards shows tend to eat that kind of shit up like candy. The real wild card in this race is Silverman, who I find hilarious. I think you have to really like her brand of humor, though, or else she just comes off as annoying. That being said, the fact that she even got nominated makes me think she has a lot more supporters than anyone expected. But, let's be honest, this is Tina Fey's trophy to lose, and gosh darnit, there is just no way in hell that's she losing it. Not after this:



It takes a very, very, very special actress to pull off that kind of scene without seeming self-conscious or awkward or whatever. Fey totally sells it. And this is just one of many examples from this season. Remember when she made cheese stew for Don Draper and then he caught her in the bathroom? Or what about when she joined the women's fight club? Or tried to date the little person so she wouldn't feel guilty about thinking he was a child? Also, and I know this shouldn't affect my opinion, but it does: Tina Fey is the freaking head writer and exec producer of this show, so really she's spending less time honing her craft than the others. Given that, isn't it even more awesome that she's so much better than them? My hat goes off to you, Ms. Fey. Well played, sir, well played.

Who Should Win: Tina Fey
Who Will Win: Tin Fey (Oh Yeah!)


Check back Sunday for my analysis of the Outstanding Comedy Series race.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A Decent Television Musical Show: Is It Possible? Yes, It Is

So I just watched the second episode of Glee, and I have to say I'm very, very, very impressed. This show is FUNNY. FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY. My favorite line:

"I try and try, but I guess I don't have a gag reflex." "One day when you're older that will turn out to be a gift."--Rachel and Emma

Seriously? How did that get by the censors? Also, Jane Lynch is already making a strong, strong showing for the 2010 Oustanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy race with her hilarious turn as Sue Sylvester, the evil cheerleading coach. She's great. The whole show is great. Two thumbs up.

Thing That Made Die Inside: Sept 9

Ellen DeGeneres will be filling the empty 4th judge slot on American Idol this season. Uh.......what? I get that, for some strange reason, Fox really wants 4 judges, even though their incessant chattering will always make the show run over. But Ellen? Really?! Her musical background is what again exactly? Oh that's right. NONE. The shark has been so jumped that it's already been down to the police station to file a report about its missing wallet and cell phone. Twice. Yeah.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Thing That Made Die Inside: Sept 8

The use of the awesome, awesome, beyond awesome Cobra Starship song "Good Girls Go Bad" in the America's Next Top Model commercials. Why do you have to taint everything I love, Tyra? WHY?!

Emmy Breakdown: Outstanding Supporting Actor and Actress, Comedy

I hope you all enjoyed the long weekend! The 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards air Sunday, September 20th at 8 pm on CBS, less than two weeks from today. Let's take a look at how the Supporting Actor/Actress in a Comedy races are shaping up.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in Comedy Series
And the nominees are:
  • Tracy Morgan, as Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
  • Jack McBrayer, as Kenneth Parcell, 30 Rock
  • Kevin Dillon, as Johnny Drama, Entourage
  • Neil Patrick Harris, as Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
  • Rainn Wilson, as Dwight Schrute, The Office
  • Jon Cryer, as Alan Harper, Two and a Half Men
My take: This is the third nomination for Cryer, Dillon, Wilson, and NPH, and the first for McBrayer and Morgan. For the repeat nominees, I'll bet they're all really happy that Jeremy Piven, who won the award from 2006 through 2008, isn't nominated this year. I don't really care for Cryer, but that's more because I don't like Two and Half and a Men. Dillon is fine on Entourage, but for me the race comes down to Wilson, McBrayer, Morgan, and NPH. Now, while The Office itself wasn't super-hilarious last season, the episode where Dwight gives the group a lesson in "fire safety" was an instant classic. McBrayer is consistently funny on 30 Rock, although not quite as funny as Morgan was this year (please see the episodes "Believe in the Stars," where Tracy dresses up as a white woman, and "The Natural Order," where he acts like a normal human being, for some examples.) But really for me, NPH deserves the win. He is consistently hilarious as Barney, and this past season we really got to see his character grow through Barney's unrequited love for Robin. Additionally, with HIMYM up for Best Comedy Series this year, I think NPH is the front runner. So....

Who should win: NPH
Who will win: NPH

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
And the nominees are:
  • Jane Krakowski, as Jenna Maroney, 30 Rock
  • Kristen Chenoweth, as Olive Snook, Pushing Daisies
  • Amy Pohler, as everyone ever, Saturday Night Live
  • Kristen Wiig, as everyone ever, Saturday Night Live
  • Vanessa Williams, as Wilhelmina Slater, Ugly Betty
  • Elizabeth Perkins, as Celia Hodes, Weeds
This is the third nomination for Williams and Perkins, the second for Chenoweth and Pohler, and the first for Wiig and Krakowski. I don't watch Weeds, so I can't comment on Perkins, although I hear she's good. I like Vanessa Williams, but her performance as Wilhelmina will always be a little too diva for me. After all, this isn't the Daytime Emmys. Pushing Daisies was always too cutesy for me, and since Chenoweth is cutesy on her own, that's just far, far, far too much cutesy going on on the whole. So, for me, the race comes down to Krakowski, Pohler, and Wiig, and I have to say, as much as I love those SNL ladies, I'm giving the edge to Krakowski. It takes a very, very, very good actress to sell the distinct brand of crazy that is Jenna Maroney. Case in point:



Not everyone can be so unabashedly narcissistic and yet watchable. (Thankfully, I am one such person.) Additionally, I don't believe that the Emmys' love affair with 30 Rock is quite yet over. Not by a long shot. So...

Who should win: Jane Krakowski
Who will win: Jane Krakowski

Check back Thursday for a look at the Lead Actor/Actress, Comedy races.