Gossip Girl Season Premiere: How Serena's Boobs Spent Their Summer

Finally we've gotten the answer to the question we've all been wondering about all summer: Where did Serena's boobs go when they got into the limo with Carter Baizen at the end of last season? Well according the photos, the boobs have been everywhere. They've been to Europe, they've been to Asia, they've been to see Cristiano Ronaldo, and now they're back home in NY, where they're being prominently displayed for all the world to see. They're even being used as a ploy to help the rest of Serena escape from Carter. I kid you not, the rest of Serena willingly undid her dress to try to put the boobs on display, while Serena's voice shouted "Oh no!" in a very fake way to try to get the attention of some cameramen. If this were another network, say HBO, I think we would have all died and gone to heaven, because we would have gotten to see the boobs. Oh well. Later, at a polo match, Serena wore a dress which accentuated the boobs' tan and threw around balls (which Rufus says will make her mother proud. Oh I'll bet it will, like mother like daughter after all, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) Then Serena jumped on horse and rode away, which made the boobs dance. Life is good for the boobs. Now for the rest of Serena, things aren't going so great. She spent the summer getting her picture taken everywhere possible to try to get the attention of her apparently-on-the-run father, who we will simply call Mr. Van der Woodsen, but apparently Papa VDW didn't want to see her. Now Serena's got a big case of the "Daddy didn't love me"s, so she's still desperately trying to get his attention. And she's "making out" with Carter. Yeah. Boobs.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Blair are playing some kind of game which ends in Blair belittling and innocent girl and them having hot, angry sex, or so I assume. (Note: I spent a fair bit of time trying to come up with an appropriate pop culture reference for Chuck and Blair's antics, so prize to the person who comes up with one.) S plants seeds of doubt in B's head about whether or not this arrangement is sustainable, so B spends the rest of the hour being suspicious of Chuck, especially when he says he's fine with stopping their fun. Accordingly, I spend the rest of the hour being alternately bored and nauseated by their cutesy interactions. Honestly, they need to get a spark or else watching them interact is quickly going to feel like watching paint dry. Please give them a long-term enemy to scheme against, ASAP.

Dan and Jenny have quickly taken to living on the UES. Dan now has a fancy-pants wallet to hold his hundred dollar bills ("They're impossible to break," he whined. Ughh. Hate him, and his "I'm an English major, it's supposed to look unkempt" hair.) Little J is still trying to recover from Mullet-gate '08, but it doesn't look like she's made much progress, so instead she's spent her summer stalking the Barefoot Contessa. (Poor Ina, she deserves better.) While Lily is out of town tending to her sick mother (or having her estranged husband's baby, depending on which newspapers you read), Rufus is doing the best he can to take care of the children, which on this show is about as easy as herding cats. Once you've think you've got them all squared away, Serena's boobs just decide to pop out of her dress. Anyway, Rufus is none too pleased with the boobs' escapades, but after she promises him there is a point to her behavior, he lets it slide. It's nice to see him backing away from his stringent-to-a-fault parenting tactics from last season. Either that or he got distracted by the boobs while scolding Serena. Take your pick.

Vanessa is, unfortunately, still Vanessa: a busy-body with no purpose except to drink coffee, make other people feel bad about not being poor, and wear weird clothes that make her look like Pocahontas (thank you for that one, Laura. Just go rewatch the polo match to see what I'm talking about.) In addition, Vanessa is now dating Lilfus' LOVECHILD, which is creepy, since he's only using her to get closer to his bio-parents. I'm really hoping that one day, Vanessa is just going to snap and go completely bat shit on everyone, because until then she will be absolutely boring, not to mention painfully annoying, to watch.

As for Nate, he's playing out his own private version of Romeo and Juliet with the daughter of a rival political family (played by the very beautiful Joanna Garcia.) I cannot figure out yet whether he is the Montague or the Capulet in this story. I'd love your opinions.

And so to summarize: Serena's boobs = GOOD, Chuck and Blair = BAD, The Humphreys movin' on up to the East Side = GOOD (for them), Vanessa still existing = BAD, Nate's love story = PROMISING, Lily's disappearance = SILLY.

For me, this season is really going to hinge on two the things: the boobs. Based on tonight's episode, I'd say we're off to a good start. ;)

As is my custom, I will leave you with some quotes:

"Ok, you're crazy."--Blond slut from the beginning of the episode to Blair. That's the understatement of the year.

"You're missing the key detail: sleeping with the enemy is hot."-Chuck Bass to Nate. Truer words were never spoken.

"I know what you did this summer, and who. Cristiano Reynaldo."--B to S and the boobs. Soccer players are a step up for S, no?

"I see the cat's out of the bag." "And topless on Valentino's yacht."--Dan and Rufus, about pictures of the boobs, and Serena, but mostly the boobs.

"Chuck, none of these girls are even worth humiliating, looking in the mirror will do that for them." --B about some models. There's my girl!

Oh, one more thing: BOOBS. Good night!