How I Met Your Mother Premiere: I'm Not Into Labels, But It Was AWESOME

Ladies and Gentleman, THIS is what good television looks like. How I Met Your Mother might be the most consistently wonderful show on television. Tonight's premiere was more solid-stellar than just completely stellar, but it certainly, certainly, CERTAINLY started the night off on the right foot. Now before I get into specifics, there is one thing I want to say. I had the pleasure of watching tonight's episode with three lovely ladies and within 5 seconds of Lily appearing on screen, they all commented on the size of Lily's boobs. Now, while I'm normally the one to point out such things, I think it's hilarious that they all did before I even said a word. Thanks, girls, thanks.

Now, as for the episode, tonight's theme was definitions: Ted had to define what kind of professor he was going to be, and Robin and Barney had to define their relationship. Lesson from tonight's episode? Defining things is funny. Watching Barney and Robin try to have "the talk" and only succeed at having sex is funny. Watching Ted make a fool of himself in front of a class full of economics majors was funny. ("No questions!" "Call me Ted. Professor Mosby. T-Dog. Don't call me T-Dog.") But most of all, watching Marshall crack a whip and scream "Not good enough!" was really funny. (Context there: As a gift for Ted's first day of class, Marshall gave Ted a gift that reminds him of Marshall's favorite professor. The gift? A whip and and a fedora, because Marshall's favorite professor is Indiana Jones. Of course it is. Ted's response? "God, you just get me." Love him, love these two, LOVE THIS SHOW.)

Now, for Barney's life wisdom. Tonight's topic: How to make sure a girl doesn't become your girlfriend. Apparently, girls are like Gremlins, so you just need to follow the three rules that prevent Gremlins from going crazy or whatever:

1. Never get them wet. (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Come on really, did you think I was just going to let that one pass by?)
2. Keep them away from sunlight. (Because girls are like vampires too, obviously. Not.)
3. Never feed them after midnight. (Now that's just mean.)

Also, Barney's wisdom was delivered while wearing a tuxedo, which makes it infinitely more credible. Infin-wait for it because I don't you think you can guess how this will end-itely.

The episode culminates in Lily locking Robin and Barney into Robin's bedroom to force them to have the talk, while Marshall screams and wafts the smell of bacon under the door. Yes, that's what he did, and it is a very brilliant thing to do. Well played, Marshall, I didn't think you had it in you. Robin and Barney ultimately decide that they will just lie to Lily and tell her that they are boyfriend and girlfriend, but as Lily so aptly puts it at the very end of the episode, they're only lying to themselves. I'm really hoping that Barney and Robin are headed down the Chandler and Monica path of sitcom relationships, because I love seeing them together and I know hilarity will ensue.

Now one final note, that I want to make sure you all caught: Ted made a point of telling us that The-Mother-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was in his first class, but that was the Economics class, not his Architecture class. Therefore The Mother is an Econ student. Additionally, she was taking Econ 305, which either makes her a child prodigy or at least an upperclassmen. (Unfortunately, Econ 305 is not a real a class at Columbia so I'm not sure if it's grad level or undergrad. Yes, I checked, and no that doesn't make me a loser, and yes, if you really think it does then you can go fuck yourself. So there.) This means The Mother will remain in the offing for a while, because it is unlikely that they will cross paths again soon. Still, it's nice to know she's around.

Now, as is my custom, I will leave you with some quotes:

"I told you, use your indoor Woo!"--Marshall to Lily. For those of you that don't remember, WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

"God, you just get me."--Ted to Marshall

"Just once I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night."--Marshall. Awwwwww.

"I'll punch a baby, I don't care."--Barney

'Look we've been over this, unless I say 'fluglehorn,' you haven't gone too far."--Robin to Barney. I'll never say fluglehorn, Robin, I promise.

"Not good enough!"--Marshall

I'm so happy it's back!