The Office Premiere: Is This What We Were Waiting For All Summer?

Oh The Office, what happened to you? You used to be funny, you used to be smart, now you just make me sad. As you may be able to tell, I didn't really care for this evening's premiere. It started out just fine with the parkour cold open, but then Michael just had to go and act like Michael. Seriously, in my notes I wrote down "Uh oh, Michael is going to be annoying tonight." Seriously, the dude's sad life was funny like two years ago, now it's just painful and pathetic. His little fits and tantrums are no longer acceptable. I prefer quirky-weird Michael (like when he was trying to court Holly) not bat-shit-weird Michael (like tonight). And also, Michael spreading around that Stanley is cheating on his wife doesn't really jive with his supposed love for his staff. It just felt weird and annoying.

The only good thing to come out of Michael's antics was the fake rumors he spread around, because they really put everyone on edge. Kelly was "anorexatic," Andy was gay, Angela was dating an 81 year old billionaire, and Pam was pregnant. We all know that last one is true, but the rest of the office didn't. It was funny to watch them run back and forth and spread the gossip, especially Andy seeking out advice from Oscar and Jim because he wasn't sure whether he was gay or not. After seeing him in The Hangover, I realized that Ed Helms is way too good for this show. Someone give him better material, please.

The episode culminated in a goodbye party for the interns (yes, someone thought it would be a good idea to let Michael Scott have interns for some ungodly reason), where things came to head, mostly because Angela said this to Pam:

"You know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard."

Um, AMAZING. Like "I will think about this at some point tomorrow and chuckle to myself and people will look at me and wonder 'What does that guy think is so funny?' " amazing. Eventually everyone figured out that Michael perpetuated the rumors, and he admitted that they were all lies except one. Just as he was about to tell the truth about Stanley for some mind-boggling reason, Jim and Pam stepped up and said that the true one was that Pam was pregnant. Michael, still acting like the complete fucking tool he is, accused them of lying and told everyone about Stanley's affair. Jim then went to get a sonagram picture to prove he was telling the truth. Michael's response?

"Pam, look at that, that is the inside of your vagina."

Yeah. We move to Jim and Pam in Michael's office getting lectured by him for not making him a third party to every single thing that happens in their relationship. He is interrupted by a call from Stanley's wife, yes, Stanley's wife, whom he called earlier. Do you know what Michael does? He calls her by Stanley's lover's name. Yeah. The episode ends with Stanley taking a golf club to Michael's car (GO STANLEY, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU BEAT THAT CAR UP LIKE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOU HIT THAT WINDSHIELD LIKE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.) We also get a parting shot of Jim taking the sonogram and taping it onto a picture frame he has on his desk. Say it with me now: AWWWWWW. Jim and Pam will be the only reason I continue to watch this show I think. At least in the near term, because I am far too annoyed with Michael. Please, someone tell me if I'm being overly harsh, because I can't tell. I am not looking forward to next week. Two thumbs down.