I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

HELLO! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I would like to apologize for my long absence, but I was taking a bit of a holiday break. You know, so I could come back all refreshed and ready for a new year. I love new years. It's a time for a fresh start, a new beginning, time to be what you always thought you could be. Our favorite show was all new tonight, and totally tried to make it seem like it was all about change and new stuff, but really what did get? Secrets, lies, old couples back together, new couples back apart, funny Dorota, the little mulleted blonde one......basically just a lot more of the same, with a few nice twists. Not that I'm complaining, because I thought this was a nice kickoff for what I'm hoping will be a nice stretch of episodes. Hell, if we're lucky, three episodes from now we'll have something that'll rival the appearance of New Serena. Ok diving in....

Let's start with Chuck, since his story is still the saddest. Honestly, I know Chuck's supposed to be the baddest of bad, but watching him grieve his dad like a bat out of hell actually makes me feel really bad for him. Although spending a week high with Thai hookers is a bit much, even in my book. I like the way he acted out in front of Headmistress Kweller. I did not like the way he kept pushing Blair away. I liked that he bought the old club back. I did not like his little escapade on the roof. Seriously, it would have been interesting if there was any chance of him dying, but we all know there wasn't because GG would never kill off a main cast member (Bart was nothing more than a recurring guest star). It's not like we're watching LOST, or the third season of The OC where they just HAD to kill off the most annoying character because they had literally burned through every possible plot line for her and then some. I'm happy that there seems to be some sort of detente between Chuck and Blair, but by the looks of the previews, it won't seem to last (more on that shortly). Also, I kind of like Chuck's uncle in that he seems like an older version of Chuck, but I have a question. Did anyone else think he had a slight south Boston accent? I thought I heard it a couple of times, and given that those old biddies Blair was talking to called the Basses new money it might fit. It's a nice little layer of inferred back story if it's the case (I mean who doesn't love a rags to riches story, even Bart was an ass?) So am I making this up or can anyone confirm this for me.

And now for our Queen B: I'm not gonna lie, I think Leighton Meester is the best actress on the show. Now I know some of you might say this is a race to the bottom given that she's competing with Blake Lively, who's best acting seems to happen below her neck and above her waist every week, and Taylor Momsen, who no one really pays attention because they can't see past her mullet, but I swear I think she's going to be a great comedic actress. She's got the timing down pat, what with the little eye twitches and the cracking in her voice, and the way she always seems too frazzled for the occassion, and her one-liners (see below for an example) and the way she plays off Dorota. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I would definitely watch a spin-off that featured just the two of them. (Speaking of which, have we heard anything else about the Dorota webisodes that were promised before the holidays?) Now this is not to say that she doesn't do the drama well, because she does, just not as well as the comedy. And speaking of the drama, who else felt a little sad when she went up into her room to compose herself, letting herself cry for just a bit, before putting the stony face back on. And you all have to love the way she told those old biddies from the Colony Club to stuff it when they said bad stuff about Chuck. And the way she talked Chuck down off the roof. I was so sure that was the beginning of their happy ending, that is until she told Uncle Jack not to say anything about New Year's, to which I say: NO, B, NO! I can understand why she did whatever she did (the show was a bit unclear), but now it just means an extension of the will they, won't they dance until the end of the season, and frankly I'm growing a bit tired of it. I want to see them together, and perhaps scheming to embarass Dan Humphrey.

Speaking of Dan, we might as well address the whole Dan-Serena-Lily-Rufus thing now. First off, AARON IS GONE!!!!!!! That dirty, smelly, slimy, self-righteous prick has returned to whatever Brooklyn loft he climbed out of and freed our glorious, wonderful, perfectly perky Serena to.........run back into the arms of Dan Humphrey. What. The. Fuck. S, don't you remember that you didn't have a personality when you dated that loser. Are you really going to go back to being boring just so your loser boyfriend won't judge you? DON'T DO IT, S. Thankfully she probably won't for long, since Dan figured out Lily and Rufus' secret. Actually he was more told Lily and Rufus' secret by Chuck, who followed up with "Wow you and Serena sharing a brother and hooking would even be something I wouldn't do" (which a nameless friend doesn't see anything wrong with, but whatever, who am I to judge?) Dan prepares to tell S, but then Rufus tells him not to, as he and Lily are going to search for their child, so Dan just makes out with her instead. Question: are we supposed to take Lily and Rufus going off together as a sign of their getting back together? I think given their talk in the apartment ("I could never hate you, Lil.") I think so, which is ok with me. I'm much, much, much more interested to see how S takes the news, since we know she can be a bat of out hell sometimes (remember the InStyle party from earlier in the season when she was showing off the boobs and caused a big scene. No, not that party, the other one where she had her boobs out. No, the OTHER one. Yeah, that one.) I can't wait for that one.

And in tonight's "C for See I Still Have A Mullet Even Though I've Decided to Be A Good Girl and Go Back to School Plot," Little J goes back to school to take on the plastics. The plastics are mean to Nelly Yuki (Nelly Yuki!), so she hatches a plot to dethrone them. And she does by threatening to reveal their dirty secrets on Gossip Girl (Penelope is sleeping with her dad's junior partner, Hazel made out with her cousin twice, and we don't know what Iz did but it's bad. Haha, plastics, I told everyone!) But when she doesn't want to be Queen B, Nelly goes back to them. Because girls in high school are crazy. Seriously the best thing about this plot was all of the one liners and jokes, some of which are below. And also, I refuse to believe that Little J went back to school and gave up what seemed to be a viable fashion career just because she wanted to feel like a kid again. She is seriously lame, because chances like that don't come along very often in real life and you need to grab them when they do. Oh wait, I forgot, this is a TV show, which means she'll be a designer again in like five episodes when they need a new plot for her.

Two other things and before I give you quotes: No Nate and No Vanessa make me a happy boy. One can only hope they stay away next week. Second, I really hope they don't expect us to believe that Rufus and Dan walked all the way from Brooklyn to school because seriously that would take all fucking day. Showing them coming out of the subway would have been nice. And now your quotes:


"Please, Eric, really, in the past four months I've faced down Eleanor Waldorf, I've hijacked a society gala, I had my entire collection torched by some crazy model, and I was basically homeless, I think I can handle high school."--Little J to Eric. Thank you for the nice plot summary, Little J. It was very concise.

"I broke up with Aaron."--S. WOO FUCKING HOO!!!!!!

"This is my news." "A postcard would have been fine. I'm so happy for you. I'm gonna go vomit now."--S and B about S and Dan getting back together. Thank you, Blair, fo saying what we're all thinking.

"Do you know what you're doing Little J?" "I'm not Little J anymore."--The plastics and little J. If it still looks like a racoon with a dirty yellow towel on its head, it must be Little J.

"We're more than any one member, and the only way Nelly is leaving is in a body bag." "God, P, tone down the crazy."--The plastics, who seem to realize how ridiculous they are.

"That's the problem with an open invitation, it fails to keep out the hoi polloi."--Chuck to Dan. Nice.

"I see her quite a bit on page 6." "And quite a bit of her."--The old biddies from the Colony Club talking about Serena and her magic boobs.

"You're telling me this was just a good deed? Uh, I'm bored."--Penelope to Little J about being nice to Nelly Yuki (Nelly Yuki!). Thanks, P, for saying what we're all thinking.

All in all, I think it's going to be a very happy new year on GG, if happy = secretive, lustful, and devious. Like I said, happy fucking new year.