Ok, I'm Now Officially Afraid of Brunch

How is everyone doing? Are you doing well? I know I am. This is going to be a really good week for me, both personally and TV wise, and that episode of our favorite Monday show just confirmed it for me. Things are going to get crazy on the UES soon, I can feel it in my bones. Also, never ever let anyone throw a big brunch party ever, they're always bound to end badly (we remember the wild brunch episode from last season right?). Let's get started:

So in tonight's A-plot, Lilfus is in Boston searching for their looooooove child, while S and Dan and Jenny and Eric are back in NY. Apparently Dan has been avoiding S and she's a little upset about it, while Little J has been a third wheel to all of Eric and his boyfriend Jonathan's dates. Apparently Little J has realized that a gay entourage is exactly what she needs to start her climb back to the top. Well that and a new haircut, but we're not getting rid of the dirty washcloth this week. Dan keeps trying to get in touch with Rufus because he cannot stand lying to Serena, a.k.a. wants to make sure she's not weirded out by them sharing a sibling so he can still go on boning her. This conversation is overheard by the plastics, who without Blair to guide them, decide to take matters into their own hands, which involves Gossip Girl telling her entire audience that she wants the goods on Dan. This being high school, the kids go absolutely ape shit trying to find out his deal. Someone breaks into his locker and discovers............a tuna sandwich! Oh the humanity! Seriously, Dan is the most boring fucking person in the world. He does not deserve the boobs, I tell you, he does not deserve them. Unabated by his vanilla life, Nelly Yuki decides to tail Dan to a meeting with Vanessa at a candy store. Uh, hold up, bitch why are you back in the picture? Apparently a new year does not mean a year free of the creepy stalker. Anyway, Dan cannot keep himself from telling Vanessa about the loooooooove child, which causes Vanessa to drop all the candy she was buying for her two month anniversary Nate (because candy is the key to keeping him happy V, keep telling yourself that.) Dan puts down his coat to help her clean up, which provides Nelly Yuki with the chance to steal his cell phone. I'm kind of liking this new Nelly Yuki, but she really needs to start showing some backbone and take a real swing at the plastics. Anyway, by stealing the phone, the plastics are able to intercept a text from Vanessa to Dan telling him to tell S about the loooooooove child, as S went to Vanessa to try to find out what Dan was hiding. Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa, when are you going to learn NOT TO PUT PRIVATE INFORMATION IN ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS. THEY WILL ALWAYS BE INTERCEPTED. SECRET INFORMATION CAN ONLY EVERY BE DELIVERED IN PERSON. The plastics decided to sit on the information until such a time as they will be allowed to release it. Hmm, I wonder when that will happen. Probably at a party, right?

In the "B for Basses are Bad Boys" plot, it's time for Bart's will to be read. Uncle Jack, Blair, and Nate (who for some reason was not present last week, probably because Vanessa had locked him in her secret underground dungeon where she keeps her boyfriends so they won't realize how irritating she is) all show up for support. As Lily is away trying to find her loooooooove child, she sends her lawyer in her stead. As for the will, apparently Bart decided to leave the company to his son. Fine. Furthermore, he decided to allow his son to run it. Fi----wait what? A seventeen year old is going to run a MULTIBILLION dollar corporation? Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive because of my inability to secure employment other than the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad job I hate, but there is NO WORLD in which a seventeen year old fuck up will be named Chairman and CEO of his father's company. No way, no how. In the interest of time, I'm going to suspend my disbelief. Chuck thinks his dad is fucking with him, but B convinces him otherwise, much to the chagrin of Uncle Jack who was hoping to run the company himself. So Chuck decides he's going to be a businessman and Uncle Jack decides to help his nephew celebrate, in the way that I help that dumb guy on my team by telling him, "Oh I'm not sure how you should do that, you should go ask Kelly" (which is usually the equivalent of sending someone to their doom). Uncle Jack tells Blair to plan a surprise brunch for the next day (which I'm sure she had Dorota running around and doing), and then decides to take Chuck out for a night on the town, even though he has dinner plans with Blair. Chuck decides to cancel on Blair, which was a total mistake since she had decided to put on her revealing clothes and whip out all her candles, which means she wanted sex. Seriously though, Leighton Meester looked GOOOOOOOD. I think a lady friend of mine put it best:
"WHOA, when did those breasts happen. I don't remember the breasts being that large." Looks like B is planning on giving S a run for her money in the BOOBS department, which is FINE. BY. ME. Continuing on, Chuck goes on an all night bender, which probably means he's going to be tired for.........

THE BRUNCH, where our A and B plots come together. So while everyone is waiting for Chuck to arrive, S and Dan make awkward small talk, Little J blows up at Eric for wanting alone time, because heaven forbid someone doesn't want to pay attention to Little J, and the plastics ask Blair for permission to dish the goods on the looooooove child, which she unwittingly gives because she is too preoccupied waiting for Chuck. Uncle Jack, who has also invited the members of the board, that sly dog, tells Blair that Chuck is in the office working, and also suggests that she take two board members up there with her to see him. Um, Blair, sweetie, you say you want to go to Yale, but you don't know when you're being set up? What's wrong with you? Don't you know what "Chuck's working" means? Because we all know it means he's with two ladies either drunk or stoned. And what do we see when she gets up there? Chuck, with two ladies, having consumed a large number of pills. The board members are not happy, and neither is Blair. Meanwhile, downstairs at the party, the plastics have sent the information about the looooooove child to Gossip Girl, who promptly informs everyone there, including Jenny, Eric, and Serena, who had no idea. Serena realizes that Dan knew all along and walks out, and my heart skips a beat at the thought that she might actually leave the douche.

And now we have the fallout: Uncle Jack takes control of the company, since Chuck violated the morality clause, his father's only stipulation for him. Looks like Bart was setting him up after all. Chuck goes to Blair to apologize, but she's not having any of it, and I sigh a little bit because I know that these two will eventually get together, but I just might be starting to get to the point where I won't care if it happens. Dan goes to the gallery to see Vanessa, but runs into Nate, who goes all Bromance on him, to which I say: UGGGHHHHHHH. Eric and Serena talk about the recently revealed looooooove child and quickly deduce that it was Grandma Cici's fault. See B, this is why she got into Yale, not just the BOOBS. They also decide to go see Dan and Jenny, because now for some reason they are all "family." Dan is overjoyed because---even though they share a sibling---Serena still wants to have sex with him. Eric and Little J make up, which is far too cheesy but also makes me a bit happy.

While all of this was going on, Lily and Rufus were in Boston having sex and waiting to hear from the parents of their looooove child, who initially did not want to meet them, but eventually decides to so he can tell them that the loooooove child died in a boating accident, which leaves Lilfus to question their relationship as they return home to the Humphrey Loft where they find their collective brood together talking about the loooooove child and realize that they are indeed together. The End.



Wait, what? I left something out you say? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm sorry: THE LOOOOOOVE CHILD IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD. It was his brother that died in the accident and the parents didn't want to lose their only remaining son to Lilfus. I totally saw this coming because there is far, far, far too much drama to be mined from the super secret love child, and the only thing that could make it more dramatic is having said love child come back from the dead. Also, if the seemingly nice adoptive parents wanted to stop Lilfus from stealing the child away, why not just let him meet them? It's not like they're the parents of the year. I mean one story about German Klaus and the kid will hightail it out of there. And if that doesn't do it let him meet his sister the racooon. She'll scare him off with all her self involvement.

And so that brings us to the end. I have to say I think we are headed in the right direction, people. Several times tonight I put both of my hands on my face, which is how I know things are starting to heat up. Also, I loved, loved, LOVED the limited amount of screen time given to Nate and Vanessa tonight. The less we see of them the better. And now I will leave you with quotes:

"I wouldn't have come to this party if I knew I wasn't VIP."--Blair to Nate at the reading of the will.

"Curfew?" "None." "Girls sleeping over?" "Yes, please." "I'll allow it."--Chuck allowing Uncle Jack to become his legal guardian.

"You noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis. Call us even."--Uncle Jack. The things family will do for each other.

"I see they act alone now." "It's so hard finding obedient minions."--S and B. Hahaha.

"Dating Nate Archibald after failing with Dan Humphrey? Talk about failing upwards."--The mini ones to Vanessa. (Can I say how excited I was to see them again, and to see the look of terror in Dan's eyes at the sight of them. It was wonderful).

"Last time I had a friend like that I wound up with gonorhea."--Uncle Jack to Chuck about Blair.

"Spare those expressive eyebrows. I can't wait until you get botox."--B to S. Double haha

"It sounds like this has grandma written all over it." "It reeks of gin and Chanel No. 5."--Eric and S.