Anatomy Jane and the Pigs of Doom

Ok boys and girls, are you ready for your bedtime story? Ok. Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Jane who had plastic internal organs. All the doctors in the land loved little Jane, because she could show them how to be doctors without ever getting hurt. It was a wonderful time and peace reigned throughout the land until one day a big bad doctor from a foreign land came to town. All of the people in the land were so afraid of the doctor that they refused to refer to him by name and instead called him simply the Major. The Major did not like little Jane and the way she helped the doctors learn. He thought that learning could only come through pain and suffering. So the Major used his magic powers to put a spell on all the doctors and force them to practice on pigs. And so they did and darkness fell upon the land. Very soon the doctors were taking all the pigs away for practice, leaving no pigs for food or farming. No more bacon, no more pork, no more ribs, no more hot dogs. The lack of pork of products made all the children in the land very sad. They went to little Jane, who had been the doctors' favorite, and begged her to do something. And little Jane did. She went to The Clinic, the secret place where all the doctors took the pigs to die. She snuck past the guards and went to the big room where all the doctors were practicing. The doctors, still under their spell, would not look at her. Little Jane was confused. She couldn't understand why they would ignore her, their favorite. Little Jane then had an idea. Slowly, one by one, she began to remove her plastic organs. As she did so she yelled "Doctors look, see? You can take out my organs and you won't hurt me, so keep practicing on me. Don't hurt those little pigs." The doctors, moved by little Jane's pleas, snapped out of their spell. They sewed the pigs back up and promised never to practice on them again. Even the Major was affected by little Jane. He promised never to force anyone to practice on pigs ever again. Sunshine and happiness and hot dogs returned to the land and the people lived in happiness once again forever and ever. The end.

Did you like my story? Because it's not too, too far off what happened--or I should say WHAT THE FUCK happened--tonight on Grey's. Seriously? Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT EPISODE? I'm not saying I didn't like it, but I am saying it was like some kind of weird drug trip. Let me sum up the three plots: pigs, little girl with no organs, lesbians. Can you draw a connection between those three? No? Well let me explain each of them to you.

Pigs: Dr. Major Hunt has returned to the hospital as Chief of Trauma, and I think he took that to mean that his job was to traumatize the audience. Christina got all twitchy and girly at the sight of him, which was the first sign that tonight was going to be weird, because Christina never does that. Dr. Major Hunt's first assignment: teach all the interns nd residents about trauma in a practical lab. How does he do that? By BRINGING IN A BUNCH OF FUCKING PIGS AND STABBING THEM. No, I did not just make that up. That's what happened. Sidenote: The only reason I watched Grey's first tonight was because of the title card before the episode saying no animals had been hurt in the filming of the episode, because I thought that was odd for a hospital drama. I was right. Continuing on......Izzie decides that she will not stand for this and leaves, but Christina gets all excited. That is until a real trauma comes in and Dr. Major Hunt lets everyone else go deal with traumas but makes Christina and her team take care of all the pigs. Yeah. At first Christina is all "Fuck this," but eventually she warms up and even starts referring to the pigs by the names the interns have given them. Then one of the pigs starts to bleed out and she has to perform surgery on it blah blah blah we know how this ends and the pig is fine. Dr. Major Hunt is impressed by her ability to keep the pigs alive and then when everything is said and done HE TELLS HER TO KILL ALL OF THE PIGS. WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!!! Christina storms off and Dr. Major Hunt goes after and we get the backstory to why he's back at Seattle Grace: during his last tour he was the only one of 20 men to survive an attack, so he was discharged from the army. So he's all scary and damaged or dark and twisty or whatever the fuck this show is calling people with emotional problems these days and Christina is totally falling in love with him as he's talking. She's going to want to fix him and love him and blah blah blah we know how this will end: She'll either get married to him, magically turning her into a human being, or he'll leave/die and turn her crazier than 10 Izzies put together. Yeah. Buckle your seat belts children, this one is going to be a bumpy ride.

Little Girl With No Organs: We'll start this one with Meredith, who was moving some old boxes of hers back up to the attic and wound opening some and looking through them, which is totally realistic because I would much rather look through my old shit than clean any of it. Anyway, Mer finds one of her old dolls, Anatomy Jane, which is fugly ass doll dressed in a hopsital gown with removable organs. You know, I've got say, Ellis Grey was one sick bitch (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) because of course she would never let her daughter play with a Barbie doll. No she gets to play with the doll that will teach her to be a doctor. Why is Anatomy Jane important? Stick with me. Elsewhere, the Chief is telling Bailey that she's awesome (duh) and a good surgeon (double duh) but that if she wants to be the greatest surgeon at Seattle Grace she's going to have to start acting more like him (huh?). Then a plane a lands with a little girl with a huge weird inoperable tumor and the Chief is all like "Dr. Bailey, your misson, if you choose to accept it is to save this little girl's life by the end of the day, while delivering as many awesome monologues as you can," to which Bailey is like "Listen dude, I will accept your challenge cause fuck if this shit don't get me an Emmy nothing will." So Bailey needs an intern for her little mission and picks Mer since she brought her Anatomy Jane doll to the hospital with her. Because Mer is still 5 and thinks you take toys with you to work (Sidenote: I am totally justified in playing with my Rubik's cube at work because (1) they gave them to us and (2) it's a thought stimulator which means its not a toy, so anyone accusing me of being hypocritical here, hah). So the little girl is pretty fucked since the tumor is growing around almost all of her internal organs. They have a big meeting where the Chief scolds Mer for playing with her doll instead of contributing and she gets all "Listen dude who broke up family, this doll is helping me come up with the answer that's going to make all y'all look good so shut the fuck up please." The doll does help, though, as Mer suggests removing all the girls internal organs, removing the tumors from them, and then putting them back again. Because shit like that happens all the time. The rest of this plays out pretty much how you would expect: big meeting with the family to convince them to go ahead with crazy surgery, surgeons getting distracted by their private problems (in this case the Chief being mean to Mer because the doll dredges up old memories), something seems to go wrong, but in the end the doctors figure it out, little girl lives, and sunshine and happiness and hot dogs return to the land forever and ever. There was one other little snag, though, but I'll get to that when I talk about the.....

Lesbians: So Callie and Hahn are still having amazing sex. Good for them. Things seem to be going well for them until Hahn starts crying and telling a story about how this was like when she was a little girl and got glasses and now she can see and she says the word "gay" like 20 times, which of course freaks Callie out. What does Callie do when she's freaked out? Have sex with Sloan, of course, which she does, twice. This makes her realize that she really likes sleeping with Erica and that she has feelings for Erica, but she's not sure whether she's gay, bi, or just-experimenting-like-two-college-girls-in-a-sorority-house-after-a-mixer-bow-chicka-bow-wow-I'm-digressing-aren't-I. So at the end of the day she tells Hahn that she wants to be with her but that she slept with Sloan and she's sorry and Hahn's all "Well fine, but not really since you leaving me this morning made me all upset and mean and a huge bitch to Bailey all day and almost made me ruin the little girl with no organ's surgery but whatever since I'm lesbian now I will forgive you so we can continue to have sex so fine I'll forgive you." So what does Callie do? Go for a drink with Sloan. Because that makes sense. Ok, I get that Sloan and Callie are friends and I like how he's been helping her through this, but this is ust asking for trouble. And what's going to happen when the new bisexual intern shows up? Oh I know. My head will explode.

Other things I liked:

• Derek and Sloan getting territorial around the new guy, because of course they would get like that.
• Lexie apologizing to George at the end of the episode for not keeping work separate from her personal life, because THAT'S SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED ON THIS SHOW.
  

Things I did not like:

• Alex and Izzie, because how the fuck are we supposed to believe that they're in a weird committed relationship now? Seriously? This also leads me too:

The BSCI Index:
Well our girl was really in rare form tonight. She's went off on Dr. Major Hunt about the pig thing a couple of times (which I kind of agree with her about, but that's prob why I'm not a doctor), told Derek he disgusts her (because as if), and got mad at Alex for being Alex (which she really should be used to by now, but she's BSCI, so of course not). The worst though, was at the end of the episode when she started telling Alex how he should tell her how wonderful she is. I almost vomited in my mouth. This, coupled with the scenes from next week flashing back to her heart-stealing days, puts the BSCI index at an 8.2 with a very probable rise next week since the episode looks to be very Izzie centric. Ughh.

And now I will leave you with some quotes. Tonight's episode was weird y'all and I'm afraid next week will be more of the same. I really hope Shonda hasn't started taking her crazy pills again, because I don't think the show will recover.


"Save a girl with an inoperable tumor?" "It's not easy being me."--Bailey and the Chief

"Next time you'll know to bring in an ugly doll."--Bailey about Anatomy Jane

"Are you petting the pig? Stop petting the pig."--Christina to Lexie. Was that a sex metaphor?

"I could give them numbers, but then I'd probably tell you three needs antibotics and find you sticking a needle in Grey's ass."--Christina.

"I named the pigs today." "I'm sorry I don't know what that means."--Lexie and George.